Take a good look at her, she can’t be real
She could have anyone, what is her deal
With those red pouty lips and come hither eyes
It’s really quite blatant that I’m reading profile lies
Don't click on “send”, brain worked too slow
You're in too deep you have to know
I want to be upbeat but I’m sensing romance woes

E-Harmony has fees
But my money is tight
I'm dating a dot com special
From Cupid’s site
It was a tease, oh please
Knew her picture was fake
It came through the door
Sat in the booth
And said his name was Jake

I needed a refund, both in currency and time
I might as well just give up, online dating’s such a crime
I go on searching ‘cause I, I trust in fate
I'm feelin' quite lucky and I want to find a mate
But I chose too fast, why did I go?
‘Cause she looked a little slow
Can’t break reservations
Now this dinner’s gonna blow

E-Harmony has fees
But my money is tight
I'm seeing a dot com special
From Match’s site
Came on a bus, oh [cuss]
It was yellow and short
She counted toothpicks
Licked some wall bricks
With therapist escort

They don’t want me and I know it
A good man with no chance to show it
So I’m dating gross refugees
Kristof won’t help me though I’m falling down on my knees
I need someone who is sane
Whether English, Spanish, or Dane
Need a woman, a real woman
Who won’t cut public cheese
Or my junk while I sleep

E-Harmony has fees
And I’m too poor to dance
I'm meeting a dot com special
Chemistry’s chance
Wearing latex, kotex
I will get it tonight
She’s menstrual and cruel
And wants to duel
I’ll be broken, tied tight

E-Harmony has fees
But my money is gone
…Dot com special…