Gather 'round, cats, and I'll tell you a story
about how to become an Lord Protectorin' Boy.
Buy you a seat, follow Parliament's tune.
You'll be meetin' and votin' soon.
Impressin' the girls,
writin' hot bills, and all that jazz.

I got me a seat, 1628.
Learned that King Charles, I had to hate.
And all through London, it was well understood
That Charles, that man of blood, he was really no good.
He sucks, showin' off, ah, Charles the One.

Well, we'd meet all day and up into the night.
And Charles the First, he was turnin' white.
'Cause he didn't like our tax veto.
He said, "I will stay, boys, but you gotta go."
He's a square!
He just didn't dig us at all!

So we fought us this war, pikes and all.
Chased Charles out of old Whitehall.
At Turnham Green, we had a ball
and soon I was sittin' in a painter's stall.
Portrait, showed warts and all.
They dig me.

We was fightin' and winnin', and we gave Charles a break.
In '49, sceptered isle I take.
When up stepped a man with an Irish brogue.
He said, "Come here, Ollie, we're gonna get ya, ya rogue."
Well, they made a last stand.
Wexford, they were shellacked.
Right there, kid.

But the Parliament wouldn't do what I say.
Don't they know I'm in charge anyway?
I tell 'em to do stuff, and they say no.
I tell 'em, "Boys, in the name of God, go!"
No more Catholics comin'.
Screamin'?
Yeah, I like it!

So I ruled as number one Puritan
'til the day God took me to the Promised Land.
And two years later, son of Charles, that sham
he said
(knock knock knock)
"Here I am!
So you say you need me, boys?
We're all gonna get along now.
Take prosperity, kids.
Gimme my mistress.
Yeah."