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Song Parodies -> "I Vaunt Your Lex"

Original Song Title:

"I Want Your Sex"

Original Performer:

George Michael

Parody Song Title:

"I Vaunt Your Lex"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

As sung by rotund Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), author of “Dictionary of the English Language,” the definitive lexical compendium until the start of publication of the “Oxford English Dictionary” in 1884.
When it comes to my mess,
there’s lots I tend to stow.
Looks like my gut might bust
when I down a roast,
nearly a whole beef side—
“little” my girth doesn’t grow.
Comestibles present I’ll ingest,
but, let’s egress to definition prose.

If swear words should displease you,
then I will shield your eyes.
I write not the Bible,
though, I now apprise:
girth’s great, but I ain’t lazy;
much time I’ve spent.
I’m a man of great patience,
so I don’t relent.

I vaunt your lex,
don’t taunt you,
I vaunt your lex.

You say words, many kinds;
I decided my role
was add reason, not rhyme
to labyrinth of lingo.
The reading’s rather dry,
and you will not find “bingo,”
because it hasn’t been invented yet.
This portly gorger informs you: it’s a portmanteau.[1]

If swear words should displease you,
then kindly be apprised:
there will be none to seize you;
they have been “lexcised.”
I’ve called the pun a lazy[2]
form of fun; bold
was I to one unfurl. . .
sold my logo soul.

I vaunt your lex,
won’t daunt you,
I vaunt your lex.

I’m lexical,
and spherical (a food pimp),
and “logocal,”
a butterball.
Lex is something I love to do;
lex is something I do for you.

Lex, semantical,
lex is words;
somebody had to do it.
My logo loins I gird.
Lex, semantical
what I’ve done.
Lex is better than
crummy puns.

I’m getting fatter;
I should just broth stir.
Might need a clyster
up in me shoved.

Move on:

Here’s one definition of “dirty”: “bawdy”;
it also might connote pornography.
Another synonym for it is “squalid.”
I spend my time on lexicography.

Here’s one definition of “derby”: “top piece”
within the context of millinery.
It sits on the head to protect the top fleece;
I spent some time in haberdashery.

Lex is me.
Vexed I see:
must expunge “me.”

Pred. nom.[3]

[1]or based on one, according to the Random House Unabridged: apparent alteration ca. 1935 of “beano,” a combination of “bean” and “keno.”
[2]Johnson disparagingly referred to punning as "the lowest form of humour."
[3]The predicate nominative is used with the verb to be and all its forms: be, am, is, are, was, were and been. Think of the verb as an equal sign: What's on one side of it is the same as what's on the other side, especially when it comes to pronoun case.

 For example, when you answer a phone and someone asks for you, you should say, This is he or This is she. You know the subject is in the nominative case. He or she is the predicate nominative. Going by the rules you should say It is I. [Taken from a website]

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Pacing: 5.0
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Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 1

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User Comments

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Lifeliver - March 21, 2013 - Report this comment
Ingenious as ever, in concept , execution and scope. Amazing archaic wordplay which few here could attempt. I liked the physical references to Johnson, who was apparently an unsightly and disease-ravaged human specimen. Lucky for us, his mind was in good shape. Lots to be learned here. I've taken note of footnote 2 and will resist the temptation to say lexellent!
John Barry - March 21, 2013 - Report this comment
Many thanks, LL!

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