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Song Parodies -> "Erections In Old Men Imperiled"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"Erections In Old Men Imperiled"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

They discuss and advertise this stuff on TV at all hours of the day and night, on the Super Bowl, and, I think, on Saturday morning kiddie-cartoon shows, so I guess it's suitable for a parody here... not like kids aren't exposed to it already... First stab for this author at this "must-do" OS (not a "stab", actually; pen was too limp). DKTOS very well, so tried to pace each verse to the varied pacing of this OS lyric and to MIDI #5, here. The clarinet sound is the lyric melody, starting at 0:17; couple of bars of interludes at 1:36, 2:24, 3:18, 4:12, and a long interlude 5:06-5:48.
The lechers live on as their zippers all go down
For the wet lake they call Itchy Coochie
The cooch, it is said, never lets in the dead
When the males and their members turn droopy

With a belly they bore -- 86 fatty pounds more
Than the middle-aged men weighed at twenty
It's sad and it's true, there's no bone to protrude
When the men are dismembered and burly

Don't strip; try to hide the detumescence inside
Though you fantasize of Miss Wisconsin
As the big gators go, it was bigger than most
Many years ago, 'fore it was wizened

Producing few sperms, low testosterone confirms
That you're not loaded for Beaver Cleaving
And later that night, as you shrink from sight
Could it be mere repulsion you're feeling?​

It's fifty-ish chicks who emlimpen our sticks
With a chest that sags to their belly
And every man knows, as their cellulite shows,
That it turns our ramrods into jelly

No longer straight, disappointed his poor date
As the folds of her blubber were flashing
When neither one came, 'twas displeasing pain
With his face in a harridan's breast pinned

When schtupper time came, the old nook came to neck
Saying "Fella, my poor muff, I need ya"
At 7pm, her main snatchway caved in
She said, "Fella, it's too old to show ya"

The lady said to him, "I would love you coming in
"And I hope that your juices will flow some"
And later that night, when her blights came into sight
Came the emptied cor-pus cavernosum

Does anyone know where the lover's rod goes
When the young buds all fade like old flowers?
Researchers all say they'd be able to lay
Were she fifteen, with less flab behind her

They might have gave up or he might have surprised
He might have gone deep like he oughter
But lust that he feigns is for frames of other dames
Not the wives, but their kids or granddaughters

As her chin rolls, posterior swings;
In the ruins of her, eyes water; Man: shun
Old Mister, it seems, of a young girl dreams;
Their nylons and lace are for sportin'

And farther below, her scenario
Takes in what man weary can tender
And the iron rods go, as the older guys all know,
With the ails of November, no gender

With a musty old gal, "be adroit", he prayed
Have a Merry time; Nail her; She'll treat ya
In young men's primes, they can wank three or four times
For old men, need prescription Levitra™

The lechers live on, but they only can go down
On the wet lake they call Itchy Coochie
The furry "her", it's said, never lets in the dead
When the males and their members turn curly

"Emlimpen" was adapted from Dubya's favorite word, "embolden". Thanks to Michael Pacholek's television-trashing spin on the OS for inspiring TT to do his "entry-level" (so to speak) spin on this de rigueur OS. Levitra ® Bayer Pharmaceuticals Corporation. All else © 2007 Tommy Turtle.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 1
 1
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   12
 12
 12
 

User Comments

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AFW - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Holy Viagra, Turtleman! For this you get the "Wifetime Achievement Award"....But, seriously, this is so humorous, it would take some really stiff competition to beat it.....Way up with the fives !
alvin rhodes - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
ah, the good ol' corpus cavernosum...lol
John Barry - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
This magnificent chode ode of syllable matching has inspired me to put the finishing touches on the version on which I've been laboring.
Adagio - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
"It's fifty-ish chicks who emlimpen our sticks
With a chest that sags to their belly"

Geesh! I hope you were joking!
Meriadoc - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Hmmm.... well this almost 50-ish chick isn't sagging, but perhaps that perception be noted... :-P
Johnny D - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
A technical tour-de-force and superlative example of the art of syllable-matching!
Tommy Turtle - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
AFW: Thanks for your hardball commentary!
alvin rhodes :) thanks.

John Barry: Thanks, and glad to be of service... looking forward to your spin.

Adagio: If the shoe fits.... lol ;-) thanks!

Meriadoc: Thanks, and thanks for answering one of the a/s/l questions asked at alvin's back-slapper of a song the other day ;-)

Johnny D: :) :) :) Thanks much, and hope the show is going well!
Cat - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
I knew this was going to be good the second I saw the title...this was a riot! TMGLTM but "Beaver Cleaving" really stood out for me.
Stuart McArthur - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
so this is what you've been working on - I'm not familiar enough with the OS to appreciate the syllable matching, but if JD is, then I'm impressed by proxy - and not many of us are up to inserting a "flow some/corpus cavernosum" couplet into our projects either ;-)- 555
Adagio - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
TT...and you're an old man? lol
PMS - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
As an almost 50-ish chick I should be highly offended, but the match to the OS had me laughing too hard to give you anything but 5s
Meriadoc - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Hmmm....I thought I answered two of them... ;-D
Tommy Turtle - February 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Cat: :) Thanks; glad you picked out that line, and will ya be around long enough for me to post sometime soon the song that you inspired a year ago??

Stuart McArthur: :) Thanks, Stu... and at the top there is a link to the OS (Original Syallables) ;-) ....another cold one for ya!

Adagio: Depends on the company :-)

PMS :) Thanks... men too were trashed pretty badly in this, no? :-)

Meriadoc: Yeah, you did. So what? What are ya gonna do about it? (he he wink wink www.amiright.com/parody/60s/thelovinspoonful24.shtml comment response he he)
Adagio - February 06, 2007 - Report this comment
TT...no, Depends © on you ♫ : ) j/k
Cat - February 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Gasp! I inspired a song of yours?? I'd love to see it!

And of course I'll be around, TT. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon.
Tommy Turtle - February 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Cat: So glad you showed up -- it was submitted this morning, 06 Feb, and so should be posted Wed 07 Feb, CG willing.

You inspired it last April, but before I posted it, the Real World kidnapped me for a long time. It was sitting there mostly done, then I came back here, saw you once or twice, wasn't sure if you were checking regularly, and wanted to be sure before submitting. Hope you like it. Unlike most of the stuff I write, which is pure fiction (like this one here that so touched a nerve in the ladies, but at least got them to admit their (approximate) ages, lol) the one you inspired is sincere and heartfelt.
Michael Pacholek - February 07, 2007 - Report this comment
It's not an official "Wreck" parody if I don't at least comment, and I apologize for the delay. (Had a medical emergency. Not the kind you described above, although I did receive a prescription of pills that are blue.) This one sure gave me a lift, and you're certainly not hard up for imaginative rhymes. But Johnny D's "The Erection of Edmund Fitzgerald" is nearly impossible to, ahem, get on top of. And check out Spaff's "The Wreck of Ben Affleck and J.Lo." That might be the all-time Amiright champ.
Papageno - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
It seems like all my songs with sexual themes get denied while other people are always posting them, some with graphic content and I don't understand why this is.
Tommy Turtle - August 13, 2007 - Report this comment
Papageno: I saw one of yours that got through OK, and commented there. The only tips I can offer: Use puns and double-entendres where possible, rather than direct references. For example, in this song, "muff" is a legitimate term for a hand-warmer. If the reader wants to put some other meaning on it, that's their choice. Also, scientific, medical, or fancy Latin-sounding terms usually do better than the Anglo-Saxon obscenities. We all know what the most offensive terms are -- find some other way to paint the pic. Also, sometimes very silly made-up words can get the idea across without sounding directly offensive. E.g., in this one, turning "hatchway" from the OS into "snatchway"... it's too funny to be d*rty. Also check out the made-up word that a couple of readers commented on in this one: 3w.amiright.com/parody/70s/abba130.shtml.... Red Ant and I had a discussion at another thread to the effect that if this site gets tagged as "adult", the ad dollars that support it go away. We try to have fun without crossing that line. Good luck.
Andy P - February 09, 2011 - Report this comment
One of your best that I've seen so far, even though the OS is about as boring as it gets! Absolutely hilarious; thanks for the link.

Only 86 fatty pounds more from twenty to middle age? I thought you was American. Don't you mean by twenty two? Just kidding! :) Whenever I try to say "American" in an American accent, it always comes out like "a merkin" - look it up if you don't know it :)

Never thought I'd see detumescence used in a parody - very JABlike

Now I've read another of your old ones, I'll leave the link to one of mine that you didn't see - unless you were Messy Bessy (first comment on the parody, so I doubt it was you). It's a song that you know well, and the middle verse is about something that ewe have a fondness for. It's pre-swotting up (UK only?) on punctuation, so you should get a laugh out of it! Talking of punctuation, what's with the capital letter after every semicolon? Is this also a pre-swotting up one? :) http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/thelovinspoonful30.shtml
Tommy Turtle @ Andy P. - February 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Can't stand TOS myself, so skewering it adds that extra "zing". ... This writer maintained the same weight for most of his adult life, having been reared on home cooking (you and I have discussed the value of that before, IIRC); the terrible trend in obesity started with the generation after, who were reared on MickeyD and have junk food/soft drink vending machines in their schools. (Us: Water fountains. Period.) Physical Education (hour of exercise each day, in various sports) has been eliminated in favor of Politically Correct classes. And video games replace playing outside after school. But now, our generation (Boomer) is aging....

"Merkin" was used in this parody from Jan. 2007, and discussed in the commentary (with Red Ant):
http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/julieandrews87.shtml

I've never used the nick Messy Bessy, so will check yours out - -it's getting late here, but *will* do so.

DK "swotting" or "pre-swotting". Translate (transatlanticate? ;), please? ... hey, "transatlanticate" is a pretty cool word, and I just made it up! © 2011 Tommy Turtle. ;-D

The punctuation/capitalisation (are you proud of me? - uk-spell ;-D) makes more sense if you KTOS. It *was* almost 100% syllable-matched:

In a musty old hall in Detroit, they prayed
With a musty old gal, "be adroit", he prayed

In the Maritime Sailor's Cathedral
Have a Merry Time; Nail her; She'll treat ya

So the caps were further homage to the OS. (Proper name of an actual church in Detroit, a city on the Great Lakes.)

Taking a break before exceeding the comment length limit (it's bitten me before).
TT @ AP Vol. II - February 09, 2011 - Report this comment
"Man" was capitalized to represent the race of men in general. "Mister" is always capped in en-US anyway, but was also a sub for the (proper) name of a lake.

All five Great Lakes are subbed here, as they appear in TOS: :

Lake Huron rolls, Superior sings
As her chin rolls, posterior swings;

In the ruins of her ice water mansion
In the ruins of her, eyes water; Man: shun
... not just syl-matched, but almost identical, with only punctuation to change the meaning

Old Michigan steams like a young man's dreams,
Old Mister, it seems, of a young girl dreams;

The islands and bays are for sportsmen
Their nylons and lace are for sportin'

And farther below, Lake Ontario
And farther below, her scenario

Takes in what Lake Erie can send her
Takes in what man weary can tender

There are your five Great Lakes, between the US and Canada, where 'the iron boats go" (Iron ore mines in Minnesota; steel mills in Pennsylvania, fed by coal from neighboring West Virginia, etc.)

If you ever have too much time on your hands, check the OS lyrics at the link in the intro, and compare. ;) ;) :) Cheers, Mate!
Andy P - February 09, 2011 - Report this comment
Swot up = To study assiduously or intensively

I played the song on Youtube whilst reading it, so I got the gist of the syllable matching. That was the main reason I thought it was one of your best, as well as being hilarious. I syllable match as much as possible, as you know, so I like to see it in others.
It's only the third time I've heard the song, and the other two times were also for parodies. One was by Michael P and I think the other one was another of yours.
Tommy Turtle - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Andy: "Swot" = never heard of WOPond. Thanks.
Yes, I like to syl-match as much as possible also, though not at the expense of coherence, humor, good puns, etc. I think many of TT's SM's (syl-match, not sado-maso, heh!) aren't recognized as such if the reader isn't extremely familiar with TOS, and very few readers are as diligent as yourself in checking -- thanks!

"Never thought I'd see detumescence used in a parody - very JABlike"
And "corpus cavernosum" is seen every day? LOL!
Off to yours before I fall asleep!
Dave W. - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Beaver Cleaving ? Oh..Ward !
Tommy Turtle - February 10, 2011 - Report this comment
Dave W.: Thanks for browsing, for reading, and for a-Ward-ing such a fine comment! June-ow I appreciate it, like an eager Beaver!
Peregrin - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
What an epic! Particularly liked "When schtupper time came" :)
Meriadoc - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Re-visiting. "Itchy Coochie", "snatchway", "iron rods", "ails of November" - great syllable matching and word-play.
Tommy Turtle - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Peregrin, epic thanks!

Merriadoc, very flattered at revisit! You picked some of the author's faves, too -- back then, IDK if "snatch" would make it past the Review Board, but matching it to "hatchway" and including the "way" at the end may have helped to make it funny, and not so vulgar as in other contexts. TT *was* rather proud of that one. (blows lightly on flippernails ;)

Thanks, Merry, and may they still not be sagging almost 6 years after your Feb 2007 comment. (.) (.)
TT P.S. @ Meriadoc - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Merry, surprised you didn't find your name in the song! (penultimate verse)
Peregrin - October 13, 2012 - Report this comment
Let's just note that *I* observed it...!
Tommy Turtle @ Peregrin - October 14, 2012 - Report this comment
Duly noted, Sir!

I believe you are now +1 on Merry, although it's been a little challenging to keep a running tab on all this internecine warfare. ;-D
Meriadoc - October 14, 2012 - Report this comment
They are still not sagging.

I saw my name, but wasn't sure it was very flattering, coming as it did on the heels of 'musty old gal'... :P
Tommy Turtle - October 15, 2012 - Report this comment
Talk is cheap. Photographic proof, please. You have my e-mail address.

Actually, your nick had nothing at all to do with the sub, just as in "A Merry Girl's Pie" -- that was a close match to TOS title, and it fit the theme. Here, it was again to match:

Maritime Sailor's Cathedral
Merry time; Nail her; She'll treat ya

with the caps used as homage to the name of the church in TOS.
(sorry if this is disappointing -- but it was not TT who first brought up the subject of the word "Merry" being found in two or three of his parodies. ;-D)
Dee Range - February 12, 2013 - Report this comment
TT, I was cleaning out my email and saw you had sent me links to this in 2009. I must have been on the road to Montana because I never saw the email. I am SO MAD at myself for missing this, because it is PRIME!. And sublimely hilarious. Having done this a couple of times makes me appreciate this even more. One of the best on Amiright. 5's just don't do it justice.
Tommy Turtle - February 13, 2013 - Report this comment
Dee Range: Always nice to hear from you, and far too rare! Thanks for the kind words, and it's never too late .... ;)

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