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Song Parodies -> "I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major-General"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:

Julie Andrews

Parody Song Title:

"I Am The Very Model of A Modern Major-General"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics


Meet Major-Gen'ral Stanley: best, can't deny
Ask for the reasons; gladly, he'll tell you why


Am a Major-General, and by Jove, I'm terrific
'Stead of bragging, let me give examples more specific
Knowledge: mineralogy; plants; animals; prolific
Quote you evry battle from Atlantic to Pacific!

Know all the sovereigns: our land, ever ruled
Mar-athon, Waterloo: Napo-leon, dueled

I know my mathematics well
Equations are a hoot!
A-x squared plus B-y plus C
Sum equals zero? Cute!
x = minus B, then plus
Or minus the square root
Of B squared minus 4AC
Divide: 2A! Salute!   [1]

"Army travels on its stomach": Bonaparte, he said thus   [2]
"Commissariat", I know: division that has fed us
Their logistics cleverly supplied with daily bread, us
Chief Caracta-cus, against invasion: Romans, led us!

I know what progress has been made: modern guns
My tactics: better than a noob 'mong the nuns

I'm solving the unsolvable
Last Theorem, Fermat: prove   [3]
Why, I can spot a forgery
By walking through the Louvre
I know the scientific names
Of all things that can move
King Arthur to Sir Caradoc,
I'm really in the groove!

Never seen a Major-Gen'ral anywhere, so plucky
Sorties and surprises: I am well-prepared, not lucky
Military knowledge: rife; my life has been just ducky   [4]
Always am adventuresome; tops, ev'rywhere they stuck me!

No better officer, a gee, ever sat

I'm an American. A "gee"? What is *that*?!   [5]

TURTLE: [spoken:]

Sometimes he shows off by saying it all backwards:
That's "showing off" a bit *too* much,
Don't you think?

AMIRIGHTERS: [spoken:]


STANLEY: [resume singing:]

An officer and gentleman
Who, cuneiform, can write

(Babble on!)   [6]

The Frogs of Aristophanes
I croak all day and night
The crimes of Elagabalus,   [7]
I readily recite


Um, you there, in the green shell... Your opinion?


TURTLE: [singing]

"Infernal nonsense, Pinafore"
Inspires AmIRight!


Oh, and a great OS yours is, too!

STANLEY: [resume singing:]

I can tell a rifle from a javelin by looking
Martial art and strategy: new ideas, always cooking
"Mamelon" and "ravelin": there's never been mistooking
Paradoxes, hard acrostics; easily, I'm brooking


Now, this smooshed-up parody is ready for stage booking!

[1] Considered footnoting the format for quadratic equations and the formula for solving them, but doubted that anyone who doesn't know them, or can't remember, would be interested. (Someone *is* interested? "Quadratic equation" in Wikipedia.. :)
(OK, "woot" is anachronistic. Wanna sue me? Take a number and get in line ... ;)

[2] One of Napoleon's most trenchant and famous observations (translated from French), "An army travels on its stomach". I. e., it doesn't matter whether they're marching, riding horses, or flying jet fighters; ya gotta keep the troops fed, or you soon won't have any troops.

Relax -- it doesn't matter what Fermat's Last Theorem is, or even who Fermat was. other than a mathematician. (Whew!) What's pertinent here (for the effect) is that in 1637, he wrote it in the margin of a book, with a note that he had a proof, but the proof was too large to fit in the margins. He never published his alleged proof.

Mathematicians struggled for centuries to prove it; many thought that it could *never* be proved *or* disproved. When TT was in college math (in a one-room, log-cabin college heated by a wood stove from the trees that TT chopped down before class), taking courses like multivariable calculus and something called "vectors and matrices" (referred to by this writer as "Victory mattresses ;), the status was still as described above.

It was finally proven, with the help of these new-fangled "computers" that were unavailable to Fermat and colleagues, in 1995, some 358 years after Fermat conjectured it. Therefore, in Major-General Stanley's era, this boast, which was *not* in TOS, far outdoes what *is* there: Pythagorean theory, integral and differential calculus, binomial expansions, and cone-section curves such as parabolas (described as "parabolous" in TOS, and as a pun on "parable" - moral tale -- in this parody of Stanley's conceit, thus ramping up his arrogance for satire's sake. ;)

[4] "ducky" -- not the British dialectal usage as "sweetheart, darling, dear", but the dialect-neutral slang: "fine; excellent; wonderful".
(Come to think of it, haven't heard that term used, at least here in the States, for quite a while. Perhaps fading from usage, being replaced -- alas! -- with some other slang that rhymes with "duck"?)

[5] *Really* -- what *does* "sat a gee" mean? UK people, help! ;)

[6] Does this pun need explaining?

[7] While TOS uses "Heliogabalus", that leads to a discussion of whether that's six syllables, or only five.
(Dirty, Hairy Turtle: "Did he fire six syllables, or only five? ... And since this is a .555 Magnum, the world's most powerful parody, and will blow your head clean off with laughter, you just have to ask yourself: 'Do I feel lucky today?' Well, do ya, Punk?")

Dictionaries seem to regard the two spellings as equally valid, with "Heliogabalus"' being *six* syllables, at least in modern English. (No offense, Susanna. :) Wikipedia redirects "Heliogabalus" to "Elagabalus" as the primary modern English usage, which is *definitely* the five syllables needed here.

© 2010 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Original Song: 
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Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   1
 3   0
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Old Man Ribber - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
TT - The most incredible two-for-one flip I've ever seen here! TWO (2) of the Big Seven juxtaposed on each other. This is incomparable. ;D
Mark Scotti - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
A masterpiece of a "shell game", TT!
TJC - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Magnificent! Marvelous! (and that's just the frickin' footnotes!) This decidedly downright diabolical parodical confection du perfection was over-the-top clever and honed to the finest conceivable edge--every line, sir, a clear winner, sir!

In sum, 'indubitably', 'nun' but the Turtle could pull this puppy off with such aplomb!
Math Whiz - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Re: [1]

Let A = B

Multiply both sides of equation by A Giving A*A = A*B

Add A*A to both sides of equation Giving A*A + A*A = A*B + A*A Or 2*A*A = A*A + A*B

Subtract 2*A*B from both sides of equation Giving 2*A*A - 2*A*B = A*A + A*B - 2*A*B Or 2*A*A - 2*A*B = A*A - A*B Or 2(A*A - A*B) = 1(A*A - A*B)

Divide both sides of equation by (A*A - A*B) Giving 2 = 1

Thus proving that your 2-fold smooshtacular today makes you the number 1 smoosher of all time!
Ann Hammond - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Christie Marie M - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
A clever switch to the hardest Big 7's to spoof! I can never keep up with you, as a matter of fact, who can? LOL!! I echo all comments above! I enjoyed this one lots, like you enjoyed my TWOTEF parody as well! Here's some Modern-General 5's for this one! On to your next!
Fiddlegirl - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
As much as I would like to leave a clever comment, I wouldn't know where to start... This is just supercaligilbertsullimajorgeneragous!
Barry J. Mitchel - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
There is one error in your first equation that's quadratical:
There should be only one unknown called x to solve by radical.
But I forgive the error; the solution's right and classical,
And if I grade your Blue Book, I would give a grade that's passical. ... i.e., 555 for superior work.
Math Whiz, But Pea Brain - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Barry J. Mitchel: Ouch! Dooooooh' me! So caught up in the *simple* task of getting the format and solution of quadratic equations to pace to OS and to rhyme, a "y" sneaked in there instead of "B*x". (crawls off in shame, tail beneath shell...) Thanks for forgiving the flippered fool!

Math Whiz: Trying to redeem myself after what BJM caught, the fourth operation amounts to dividing by zero, which proves that this parody was written by a zero-brain, as Barry pointed out.

Too ashamed to respond to the others now -- need to go bang head against wall for a while. Back later. :-(
AFW - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
I can't do the math..but in the words of the great Lawrence Welk, "Wunnerful! Wunnerful!"
OK, Enough Self-FlagellatTTion (More On That Next Tuesday) - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Old Man Ribber: Thanks, but don't hold your breath waiting for TT to flip "Blinded By The Light" with "American Pie"... :-D

Mark Scotti: Thanks, Mark! (LOL @ "switching" metaphor and pun!)

TJC: See reply to ewer comment @ other post teweday... this one 'splains a *lot*! ;-D ... Thanks for the very kind (and alliterative and internally-rhymed) v/c, and couldst kindly pull your puppy off my leg now? (heh!) :-)

Math Whiz: Hey, who cares about the theorem or the (faulty) proof -- I just love the conclusion! :)
Thanks for an entertaining and clever v/c! ... but what to do for an encore? ... Got it! (as MG Stanley says) ... got the idea. DK if can finish it in time for next week, but it'll be there some day. Thanks again, and remember: "Binomial from an unsanitary restaurant!" :-D

Ann Hammond: See reply @ other post today. Ditto. Thanks for v/c, Ann!

Christie Marie M: You are too, too kind! And sweet and generous! Thank you so much for the kind words and votes!

Fiddlegirl: Oh, I can see right through your devious plot -- trying to get ol' TT to make some remark about LA majors trying to comment on parodies that include math, eh? Well, it ain't gonna happen! Ha! So there! :P
  (S: thanks for vote and fine neologistic comment, xoxoxo muah!)

Barry J. Mitchel: Is there an implication that you're a math teacher? Don't have to answer, of course, but the "grade Blue Book" kinda suggested it -- in which case, I guarantee I'll do my homework better next time! (Ten or twelve times I proofread that sucker -- we can *never* catch our own glitches, once they're there.) Thanks for v/c/c/m (vote/comment/correction/mercy)!

AFW: Your comment was most "Welk-ome", Sir! :-)
Oops.. (pea-brained TT again) - October 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Barry J. Mitchel, forgot to give you props for the very cool OS-parody verse!
Liberal Arts Girl @ TT - October 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Let me be the first to applaud your self-restraint, there... (hoho hehe haha) ;)
TT @ LAGging Mind - October 02, 2010 - Report this comment
Liberal Arts Girl: You ain't seen nothin' yet, mwahaha! (literary technique of "foreshadowing" parodies to come, so to speak. ;)
Agrimorfee - October 03, 2010 - Report this comment
Also incredible.
LA-Girl @ TT - October 03, 2010 - Report this comment
Free the radicals!!!
Tommy Turtle - October 04, 2010 - Report this comment
Agrimorfee: Also, thanks. :)

LA-Girl: Very clever use of Barry J's comment! I'm impressed! (S:) :) :) :)
Glen S - April 06, 2012 - Report this comment
Greatly smooshed again TT. Enjoyed it all, but especially the math stanza early on. Top quality, man.
Tommy Turtle - April 06, 2012 - Report this comment
Glen S: Thanks for kind v/c.... A fellow math fan, eh? Hardly as epic, and no smoosh, but all math:

As always, no obligation, and the usual double-your-money-back guarantee if not satisfied. :)

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