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Song Parodies -> "Cape? You're Screwed"

Original Song Title:

"Shape of You"

Original Performer:

Ed Sheeran

Parody Song Title:

"Cape? You're Screwed"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "How We Do It" self-challenge. The final part, in fact (not including the supplemental)! We started with Ed Sheeran and we will finish with Ed Sheeran, except instead of a villain singing about a bad idea (i.e. turning into a giant snake), we have a hero singing about a bad idea, that being "wearing a cape".
I've gone through a fair few outfits as a super
Some were awful, some so-so (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
What was I thinkin' with arrows on my crotch?
Boy, did random thugs kick that so (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
Of all my choices in garments, why did I make that one bright green?
I don't have control over plants now (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
So I can't stop redraftin' plans for a new one
When some flaw stops my plans to halt those of bad guys
Work, this costume needs a ton
Has to be handmade cause nobody funds me
C'mon now, don't break on me
Talkin' to my sewin' machine
Say, boy, while this thing is stuck
Go throw my way some thoughts on what it could be
C'mon now, don't you troll me
Come, c'mon now, that I don't need, mmm-mmm-mmm

Don't be dumb now, a cape? You're screwed
If you are fool enough to go use
That cliché cloth in a costume
It looks dumb, won't say sorry
Because I once thought it was cool
But I'm no longer that great fool
If you wanna be my sidekick, don't be fooled
Cause capes are dumb, they're so shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
Cause capes plain suck, always shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
Cause capes, they're dumb, super shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
Cause capes just suck, man, they're shoddy
Guess I'll have to get my list to prove to you
That those supes with a cape? They're screwed

One bad wind and they'll obstruct your vision
Won't see that fist right in your face (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
May think that they look nifty flappin' in the cool breeze
But they'll make lag and to heists, you'll be late (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
No flyin' powers? I flounder, why do you think you're empowered?
When you step on that rag, you'll look real lame (mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm)
And where this gets really nasty is when it gets snaggy
And your neck goes on a literal break, isn't really nice
Jerk, you don't want a sharp one
Even with no break, you'll get stuck and you'll see
Thugs come round to break your knees
While your dumb cape's in the door, please
Say, boy, that you won't be dumb
Go 'head and hate, but I don't want you dead, see
C'mon now, don't get killed, please
Come, c'mon now, that I don't need, mmm-mmm-mmm

Don't be dumb now, a cape? You're screwed
If a door closes right behind you
Or if some enterprisin' mook
Takes a hold of that cloth piece
Fling you right into brick walls, dude
Should overshadow their good use
Which is absolutely jack-all, that's the truth
Hence why I'm callin' 'em shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
Cause capes are all really shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
They'll make you fall, super shoddy
Oh I, oh I, oh I, oh I
And I'll keep callin' 'em shoddy
'Til nobody wears 'em at all, I speak true
Those with costumes with capes? They're screwed

Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, looks cool? Maybe, come on
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, plan for safety, come on
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, they're ungainly, come on
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, heads vacate clean, come on

Don't be dumb now, a cape? You're screwed
Worst-case scenarios, it's the truth
But I still don't want to lose you
Myself either, I'm sorry
The last time that I had one, dude
Closed window halted my pursuit
Almost hacked up half a lung, hence I tell you
That all capes suck, simply shoddy
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, don't be crazy, come on (really suck, all made shoddy)
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on
Come on, think more safely, come on (won't un-suck, remain shoddy)
Come on, don't wear capes, please, come on (eeh-eeh-eeh)
Come on, they're a pain, see, come on (always sucked and been shoddy)
Really hopin' that I've gotten through to you
That if you don a cape, you're screwed

Metaman, express elevator! Dynaguy, snagged on takeoff! Splashdown, sucked into a vortex! NO CAPES!

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 3

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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Matthias - January 22, 2018 - Report this comment
Freaking LOVED the Incredibles and Edna Mode with her line “No Capes!” Can’t wait for the sequel!

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