~
On my first Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
i-Can Drive-Foreverâ„¢ porta-potty
~
On my second Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Two Gin-zuâ„¢ Brie knives
And some high tech kitty litter called SweetPeeâ„¢
~
On my third Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Three Pine-Hibachi'sâ„¢
Two Tents-With-Doorbellsâ„¢
And that Scooter-With-Espresso-Maker-Seatâ„¢
~
On my fourth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Four Nick-Hating Ho'sâ„¢
Three Nose-Muffsâ„¢
Tu-tu's-of-Tibetâ„¢
And a Laser-Made-For-Lev-el-ing-One's-Teetsâ„¢
~
On my fifth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
FIVE BIN-LADBLINGSâ„¢
For-eign Foppsterâ„¢ Fezz
Three Right-Wingsâ„¢
Two Tatts-fer-TaTa'sâ„¢
And an Archimede's-Screwâ„¢ sex-swing for three
~
On my sixth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Six low-carb FUndiesâ„¢
FIVE GIBSON ZINGSâ„¢
Four NoFault-Dependsâ„¢
Three Sean Pensâ„¢
Tu-na C.O.D.â„¢
And a Helicopter-With-Ejector-Seatâ„¢
~
On my seventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Seven Pick-Six Fix-Tricksâ„¢
Six Shards o' Plentyâ„¢
FIVE 'PAUL'S-EX' RINGSâ„¢ (McCartney, that is)
For-tuitous Peeksâ„¢
3M Stockâ„¢
Two Too-Tense-For-Wordsâ„¢
And a Mister Coffee GPS™ that's sweeeeet! (Look—it knows its right here!)
~
On my eighth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
8-tracks-of-Yaniâ„¢
Seven Chunders-Hurlingâ„¢
Six Vous-Klux-Cannes-ersâ„¢
FIVE JERRY SPRINGSâ„¢
Four Drive-Thru-iPodsâ„¢
Three Dog Knightâ„¢
Tu-tankhamen Tucksâ„¢
And DaVinci's Loadâ„¢ sex booklets in 3-D
~
On my ninth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Nine Nichole-Smith Spice(d)-Racksâ„¢
Eight Flavored-Drain-Snakesâ„¢
Seven-packs of Clappersâ„¢
Six Toddler-Tan-Boothsâ„¢
FIVE MOLDRIN'-MINGSâ„¢
Four TIVO-4-Dogsâ„¢
Three-Rupees!â„¢ (about 2 cents U.S.)
Tu-pelo-Toupeeâ„¢
And a 'high-def' guy-thong called the Mansheeâ„¢
~
On my tenth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Ten Chest-Hair-Wiggletsâ„¢
Nine James Blunt Barf-Bagsâ„¢
8 'Spears' Annulmentsâ„¢
Seven Suri-Scopersâ„¢
Six Needless-Mark-Upsâ„¢
FIVE PUBES-OF-STING'Sâ„¢
For-ty-bucks-to-shipâ„¢
Three-Two-Punâ„¢
Tu-pac's Will-Makerâ„¢
And a Gallons-Per-Mile Gaugeâ„¢ for my RV
~
On my eleventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Eleven Primip Pushersâ„¢
Ten-tinabulationâ„¢
Nine-Inch-Nails Thumbtacksâ„¢
Size-8 J-Lo Boo-Teaseâ„¢
Seven Simpson LipSinksâ„¢
Six Madonna "Boinkiesâ„¢"
FIVE FETISH-FLINGSâ„¢
For-tinbras Faux-Pasâ„¢
Three Spoogesâ„¢
Toodles PortaLooâ„¢
And a life-size Pocketable Mini-Meâ„¢ (its scratch 'n sniff!)
~
On my twelfth Brookstone® Christmas, my PISSED WIFE threw at me
Twelve tattered SkyMallsâ„¢
'leven Will Sonomasâ„¢
Ten L.L. Bean'ersâ„¢
Nine Hammy Schlemmersâ„¢
Eight Crate 'n Barrelsâ„¢
Seven Sharper Immysâ„¢
Six Vickie's Secretsâ„¢
FIVE BROOKSTONE'S FLINGED!â„¢
Four Linens-N-Thingsâ„¢
Three Lands' Endsâ„¢
Two Plow & Hearthsâ„¢
And a well-worn Condom Country* Jubilee!â„¢


{ FOLLOWING SPOKEN BY CRINGING, WHIPPED-DOG OF A HUSBAND WHO APPEARS TO BE DYING THE 'DEATH OF A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS' }

"I''m reallllly sorrrrrrry, Honey! But...I thought you loved all the stuff I've been getting you from Petsmartâ„¢ these last eleven years!"
(...ominous, wet-crumpling sounds reminiscent of huge telephone book-like catalogs thudding against soft cranium followed by incoherent mewlings....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* TruLuv.com - My busy wife's demographics driven, automated gift-buying service

**Condom Country (Jubilee part made up) - apparently a real, catalog...er, um... according to a *friend*, and really puts the 'X' back in X-mas!