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Song Parodies -> "Dozen Years of Brookstone"

Original Song Title:

"Twelve Days of Christmas"

Original Performer:

Traditional

Parody Song Title:

"Dozen Years of Brookstone"

Parody Written by:

TJC

The Lyrics

Don't know the OS? A Really Quite Clever '12 Days' MIDI here ~ Sure Halloween's still a ways off, but there's only 62 shopping days left to get me something really cool!
~
On my first Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
i-Can Drive-Forever™ porta-potty
~
On my second Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Two Gin-zu™ Brie knives
And some high tech kitty litter called SweetPee™
~
On my third Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Three Pine-Hibachi's™
Two Tents-With-Doorbells™
And that Scooter-With-Espresso-Maker-Seat™
~
On my fourth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Four Nick-Hating Ho's™
Three Nose-Muffs™
Tu-tu's-of-Tibet™
And a Laser-Made-For-Lev-el-ing-One's-Teets™
~
On my fifth Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
FIVE BIN-LADBLINGS™
For-eign Foppster™ Fezz
Three Right-Wings™
Two Tatts-fer-TaTa's™
And an Archimede's-Screw™ sex-swing for three
~
On my sixth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Six low-carb FUndies™
FIVE GIBSON ZINGS™
Four NoFault-Depends™
Three Sean Pens™
Tu-na C.O.D.™
And a Helicopter-With-Ejector-Seat™
~
On my seventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Seven Pick-Six Fix-Tricks™
Six Shards o' Plenty™
FIVE 'PAUL'S-EX' RINGS™ (McCartney, that is)
For-tuitous Peeks™
3M Stock™
Two Too-Tense-For-Words™
And a Mister Coffee GPS™ that's sweeeeet! (Look—it knows its right here!)
~
On my eighth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
8-tracks-of-Yani™
Seven Chunders-Hurling™
Six Vous-Klux-Cannes-ers™
FIVE JERRY SPRINGS™
Four Drive-Thru-iPods™
Three Dog Knight™
Tu-tankhamen Tucks™
And DaVinci's Load™ sex booklets in 3-D
~
On my ninth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Nine Nichole-Smith Spice(d)-Racks™
Eight Flavored-Drain-Snakes™
Seven-packs of Clappers™
Six Toddler-Tan-Booths™
FIVE MOLDRIN'-MINGS™
Four TIVO-4-Dogs™
Three-Rupees!™ (about 2 cents U.S.)
Tu-pelo-Toupee™
And a 'high-def' guy-thong called the Manshee™
~
On my tenth Brookstone® Christmas, my TruLuv© gave to me
Ten Chest-Hair-Wigglets™
Nine James Blunt Barf-Bags™
8 'Spears' Annulments™
Seven Suri-Scopers™
Six Needless-Mark-Ups™
FIVE PUBES-OF-STING'S™
For-ty-bucks-to-ship™
Three-Two-Pun™
Tu-pac's Will-Maker™
And a Gallons-Per-Mile Gauge™ for my RV
~
On my eleventh Brookstone® Christmas, my TrueLuv© gave to me
Eleven Primip Pushers™
Ten-tinabulation™
Nine-Inch-Nails Thumbtacks™
Size-8 J-Lo Boo-Tease™
Seven Simpson LipSinks™
Six Madonna "Boinkies™"
FIVE FETISH-FLINGS™
For-tinbras Faux-Pas™
Three Spooges™
Toodles PortaLoo™
And a life-size Pocketable Mini-Me™ (its scratch 'n sniff!)
~
On my twelfth Brookstone® Christmas, my PISSED WIFE threw at me
Twelve tattered SkyMalls™
'leven Will Sonomas™
Ten L.L. Bean'ers™
Nine Hammy Schlemmers™
Eight Crate 'n Barrels™
Seven Sharper Immys™
Six Vickie's Secrets™
FIVE BROOKSTONE'S FLINGED!™
Four Linens-N-Things™
Three Lands' Ends™
Two Plow & Hearths™
And a well-worn Condom Country* Jubilee!™


{ FOLLOWING SPOKEN BY CRINGING, WHIPPED-DOG OF A HUSBAND WHO APPEARS TO BE DYING THE 'DEATH OF A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS' }

"I''m reallllly sorrrrrrry, Honey! But...I thought you loved all the stuff I've been getting you from Petsmart™ these last eleven years!"
(...ominous, wet-crumpling sounds reminiscent of huge telephone book-like catalogs thudding against soft cranium followed by incoherent mewlings....)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

* TruLuv.com - My busy wife's demographics driven, automated gift-buying service

**Condom Country (Jubilee part made up) - apparently a real, catalog...er, um... according to a *friend*, and really puts the 'X' back in X-mas!

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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User Comments

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Jack Wilson - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
This is AWESOME! 555!
Dee Range - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
This is way beyond awesome...if this don't crack you up, you're already 'cracked up'. There will probably be fifty more "Twelve days of Christmas" in the next 62 days, but I doubt any will top this. I wouldn't even want to try. There are so many clever lines here, you would have to list them all. Just an absolute top drawer, hilarious read.
alvin rhodes - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
best parody of this song i've ever seen...bravo
John Barry - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
What everybody said. A tour de force!
2Eagle - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
I don't think I can improve on what Dee Range said. The best parts were James Blunt barf bags - but you left out Tim McGraw barf bags. His mother should have named him Ralph. If there is a cat litter named Sweet Pee I would buy it.
TJC - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
Huge thanks to Jack, Dee, alvin, John and 2Eagle... you are all way too kind...and I'm most appreciative. The wierd thing is, a lot of the catalogs out there (check Google Catalogs Beta), especially those `niche' ones, carry such strange offerings that this parody may be one of unintentional understatement rather than hyperbole/non-sequiter/aliterative-whackiness!
AFW - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
This is beyond the barricades...Great job !
Stuart McArthur - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
mind-blowingly detailed and clever, TJC - 555
Lionel Mertens - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Using my secret decoder ring I have decoded this encrypted parody I have determined it to be another crummy comercial. A shameless plug for truLove.com. Oh well. Does your busy wife sell OVALTEEN? This is all in jest of couse. Right?
Jason - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Brilliant. 555.
TJC - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks all for your comments and votes! Much appreciated. And, Lionel... yes... all fake.... just looked for TruLuv.com and it comes up as a "site for sale"! Go for it!

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