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Song Parodies -> "The Nutritionist's Song"

Original Song Title:

"The Major-General's Song"

Original Performer:

Gilbert and Sullivan

Parody Song Title:

"The Nutritionist's Song"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

For legal reasons, I haven't mentioned The Awful Poo Lady by name, as she is known to threaten legal action (though for some reason, probably because she doesn't have a legal leg to stand on, she only threatens, never actually sues).
[Ex-Doctor]
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist
An egotistic, narcissistic TV exhibitionist
I state my facts with such an act that many find bamboozling
But must admit the science bit I find rather confusle-ing

I run a re-search company called [Surname] Research Limited
That's great and yet I always get to sound as though I'm dimwitted
Whenever I attempt to try to tell the world of DNA
But, hell! who needs GCSE exams in science anyway?

[Tutti]
Because who needs GCSE exams in science anyway?
T'would help to see GCSE exams in science anyway
Would help if she had CSE exams in science anyway

[Ex-Doctor]
I'm sad to say the ASA caught up with my mendacity
My PhD they said could be called lacking in veracity
Honestly, I would never try to say I'm a physicianist
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist

[Tutti]
Honestly, she would never be a re-al-live physicianist
She is instead the model of a woo-factor nutritionist



[Ex-Doctor]
The PhD on my CV gave out the wrong locati-on
If you read quick, the Americ-an College of Nutriti-on
Does sound akin to where I've bin (or where I sent the money to)
Ain't it such fun to think they run a PhD in runny poo

I sold some pills to cure the ills of male inability
The horny goat that I'd promote as giving great virility
When I was told if they were sold it would be done unlawfully
I lied anew, said the EU had changed licensing awfully

[Tutti]
She lied anew, said the EU had changed licensing awfully
She lied to you, said the EU had changed licensing awfully
But it's not true, that goaty goo was never on sale lawfully

[Ex-Doctor]
I'm fixated by faeces which I stare at diagnostic'ly
Its squashy bits and paeces I comment upon quite causticly
It's crap no doubt I spout about a stool as I am forking it
If truth be known it ain't the on-ly way that I am talking shit

[Tutti]
It's crap no doubt she spouts about a stool as she is forking it
If truth be known it ain't the on-ly way that she is talking shit



[Ex-Doctor]
In fact, when I can write an article that quotes a reference
When I don't threaten lawsuits for a minor lack of deference
When I have done some research that's accepted scientific'ly
When I can answer questions both precisely and specific'ly
When I know how the body deals with DNA and chlorophyll
When following my recipes don't leave you feeling more off-ill
In short, when I've a smattering of infant school biology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology

[Tutti]
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology
You still more likely will receive a writ than an apology

[Ex-Doctor]
My scientific honorific may now be thought too shady
I may be called by those appalled by me: "The Awful Poo Lady"
But still in matters faecal, and with never a commission missed,
I am the very model of a woo-factor nutritionist

[Tutti]
She's tops in matters faecal, and with never a commission missed,
She is instead the model of a woo-factor nutritionist

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 28

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 1
 0
 
 2   1
 2
 3
 
 3   1
 0
 0
 
 4   5
 3
 3
 
 5   21
 22
 22
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Jack Wilson - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
Loved it! 5s
Lotta poo - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
A lotta crap about crap. Craplogists will probably love it. 422
Phil Alexander - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
Lotta - you didn't actually read any of it, did you? And why hide behind a pathetic pseudonym?
Jack - thanks :-)
alvin rhodes - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
thanks for my daily minimum requirement of chuckles
John Barry - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
I've taken a dozen or so stabs at the OS, but none can come close to this. Holy crap, it's excellent!
2Eagle - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
Very fitting. There are nutritionists who think you have to live on raw vegetables. I prefer chocolate.
wannabemustangjockey - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
An EXCELLENT MG parody, one of the best I've read. You make the Poo Lady sound truly "offal"! 555
Stuart McArthur - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
Holy M(M-G)oly, Phil - one of your best - and noone could have written this but you, with all your trademark cheeky wordplay - most impressive though was your 4th-syllable/8th-syllable rhymes on nearly every frickin line - that upped the "delight" factor and must've taken you a while - 555
Meriadoc - March 09, 2007 - Report this comment
A very craftery craparody!
Below Average Dave - March 10, 2007 - Report this comment
Well, I can honestly say this OS has to be among the hardest to parody, and for that you deserve a metal. . .I'm scared of the March SOTM all ready and better get ready to pull one heck of a song to keep up.
Yoidy - April 12, 2007 - Report this comment
I still need to know. What.. is.. her... name?!? Anyway, this turns crapola into shine -ola. Farty 5s.
The Charnstar - April 14, 2007 - Report this comment
I gotta say... rather... lovely... in it's own way... 5-5-5
Peter Andersson - April 16, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - I get mental obstipation trying to come up with a comment here...
Agrimorfee - April 17, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I wish I were more aware of the topic at hand here...is she an infomercial star or something? Chicago-based "medical & financial expert" Kevin Trudeau could have been the model of this major general.
Phil Alexander - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
For the people who know not WTF I'm talking about: even though the harridan in question is not a doctor, and has been told by the ASA that to call herself "Doctor" is misleading, she still willfully misleads the public at www.DRgillianmckeith.com selling quack rubbish with no scientific research to back them up. Hit the above website, and you'll see more than two dozen uses of "Dr Gillian" on the front page alone.
Phil Alexander - April 18, 2007 - Report this comment
PS If you want to know why I think GM is as bad as she is, have a look at Dr (a real doctor, that is) Ben Goldacre's column here: www.badscience.net/?p=362
Max Power - April 24, 2007 - Report this comment
Good
bobpiecheese - April 25, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I didn't know half the words, but it paced well.
wannabemustangjockey - April 26, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above
Matthias - April 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Anybody who can write a Major-Modern General parody about crap has earned the golden turd in my toliet of fame.
Phil Alexander - April 26, 2007 - Report this comment
Matthias - did you read it? It's NOT about "crap", merely about someone who claims to be able to diagnose all your health/dietary problems merely by looking at your excreta.
Jason - April 27, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Entertaining stuff
Major General Johnny D - April 28, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) As an AmiRight parodist who has publicly performed, in costume, the complete original Major General's Song before a sold-out audience (at Friends of the Performing Arts in Concord), I must say, Philbo, thou hast hit the proverbial nail on the head 555 times, BY JOVE!
stuart mcarthur - April 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) yup, still a brilliant read, Phil - the internal rhymes were awesome - I particularly liked the tongue-in-cheek "If you read quick, the Americ"
Kristof Robertson - April 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Great stuff, Phil! I knew it was going to be about McKeith pretty early on...which made me enjoy this parody assassination all the more. Bravo! 555
Michael McVey - April 29, 2007 - Report this comment
If I understand you correctly, you are saying this lady who shall remained unnamed is full of .......... You're probably right!
Mikey Squirrel - April 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Finally! A classy poo parody! Not really familar with the subject (fecal) matter, but still very good, Phil.
Below Average Dave - April 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Ok, Barring an amazing finish from the rest of the parodies, this is my vote for the SOTM, enough said, I had already read it before, but each read it gets smellier and smellier.
Wolverine - April 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm getting to this late, so I know Phil is withdrawing from SOTM. But this is still excellently written. Way to tackle a quack!
Jack Wilson - April 30, 2007 - Report this comment
This is awesome, though ya dropepd out. 5s
Tim Mayfield - April 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Brilliantly done. After analyzing the comments above, you appear to be deficient in 5's, take some and call us in the morning.
Chris Frederick - April 30, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM - What Wolverine said. Very well written, and would be high on my top 5 if you weren't withdrawing from this month's contest.

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