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Song Parodies -> "What If Tom Was One Of Us?"

Original Song Title:

"What If God Was One Of Us?"

Original Performer:

Joan Osborne

Parody Song Title:

"What If Tom Was One Of Us?"

Parody Written by:

Stuart McArthur

The Lyrics

Nicole Kidman just married fellow Aussie Keith Urban, who throws into perspective her previous marriage to one very odd dude.........listen to the OS in a new window by right-clicking here
(intro of crazed other-worldly hick hillbilly verse)


If Tom weren't insane
who would he be? - and would he flash that grinning face
at every photo op if he...was...normal?
What would you ask if you had just two questions?

like "Tom,
Tom,
what's with Kate?"

"Tom,
um,
...sure you're straight?"

Tom, Tom, Tom-Tom-Tom

What if Tom was one of us?
just a guy like one of us?
not a scientologist
kind of like a plain......bloke

If Tom could emote
without the cameras on, and we got to see...
I guess then maybe we'd all hafta believe
that Tom was human - that he would not self-destruct
in seven seconds

coz Tom,
that
would be great

Tom,
cat,
good luck, mate

Tom, Tom, Tom-Tom-Tom

What if Tom was one of us?
Is it so preposterous?
He could stay anon-y-mous?
like an ordin'ry......dude
tryna bake his own......food
not always IN that pumped-up mood
with all that tres-cool attitude
so scared of being misconstrued

(sad, tormented guitar break)

Tom
Tom
it's okay

Tom
Tom
if you're ***

Tom, Tom, Tom-Tom-Tom

What if Tom stopped following
V'nilla Sky-entology?
wide-shut eyes stopped boggle-ing?
like an ordin'ry......bloke
just like us ordinary folk
scoffing whoppers and a coke
or maybe coffee and a smoke
and not a scoffed-at
"in"
joke

...demanding, catlike, silly strokes

...withstanding crap right 'til he croaks


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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 30

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
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 4   0
 0
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 5   30
 30
 30
 

User Comments

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AFW - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Delightfully entertaining and funny "What If"...great rhymes and lines..
Lionel Mertens - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
In Scientology, they say MU instead of misunderstaning. I guess Tom is just one big MU. 5's Stuart.
Ravyn Rant - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
This is so good! The last verse is classic. "Wide-shut eyes stopped boggling"... Love it! 555
John Barry - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Great title, incisive commentary. 555
alvin rhodes - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
thank god he ain't...and vice versa...5s
Matthias - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
You Cruised right through this one... 5-5-5!!!
Stephen Harrington - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Interesting question... you probably wouldn't have had the idea to so this parody. So, be glad he isn't, 555. ^____^
Kristof Robertson - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
I sure missed reading your stuff while I was "away", Stu...this is f'ing fantastic! 555
Johnny D - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Hoo-ee,
hoo-ee thetan,
hoo-ee,
hoo-ee thetan,
hoo-ee,
hoo-ee thetan,
L-Ron's gonna take you outta, TOM CRUISE!
Johnny D - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
To rhyme better with the original "Sea Cruise" chorus, my previous comment's last line should be,

L-Ron's gonna take you outta, T. CRUISE!
Rick C - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
You mean he's NOT one of us, Stu? I guess you're right. Anyone who could give up Nicole Kidman is not normal. :-) 555
Spaff.com - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Great concept, great slam, and I love the multiple rhyming in the choruses. Extra special happy bonus kudos for replacing "stranger on the bus" with "Scientologist."
Stuart McArthur - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
thanks AFW :-)

thanks Lionel - I didn't know that about MU, but it makes sense that they would need a 2-letter acronym for that word

good on you Ravyn, John and alvin - thanks all

groan Matthias ;-) - thanks Stephen, but stop messing with my head!

ditto Kristof - nice to see a comment from you too, esp. containing deft use of the word f'ing ;-) (btw did you see the soccer? - we wuz robbed!)

Johnny - thanks - I don't know Sea Cruise, but your version of it just SOUNDS funny (I'm suspecting I probably do know it though)

thanks for noticing the MRs again Spaff (do you ever miss anything?) - and those extra special happy bonus kudos just made my day (much better than those extra special non-plussed bonus kudos)
Stuart McArthur - June 27, 2006 - Report this comment
sorry Rick - I missed yours - thanks - and ditto on Nicole (sometimes) - but especially in "Birthday Girl" when she plays a Russian mail-order bride, and in "To Die For" when she's dancing in the headlights
STC - June 28, 2006 - Report this comment
Hey Stu.. I liked this one, but I must inform you that TOS is simply titled "One Of Us". It even says so on the album.
Michael Pacholek - June 28, 2006 - Report this comment
Well, Tom Cruise WAS one of me, a short, quirky kid from Essex County, New Jersey. Somewhere down the line, he got the girls... at least, temporarily... but I became The Normal One.
Shadow - July 01, 2006 - Report this comment
awsome parody! i had the same idea but looks like u beat me to it ;p way to go!
wannabemustangjockey - July 08, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - Love the scientology reference. You can't write a song about Tom Cruise without including that.
Adagio - July 10, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM
Stuart McArthur - July 10, 2006 - Report this comment
thanks STC - and my apologies

interesting debate Michael (and thanks) - is it better to be normal or to get the girls?

thanks Shadow - altho I'm sure plenty of other OS's are ripe for taking a potshot at Tom - look forward to reading yours :-)

thanks wannabeMJ - yeah sometimes the parody gods do toss you a bone!

er, not sure, adagio - is that silence a disapproving pursed-lips kind of silence, or a speechless with disbelief kind of silence, or a poetic statement? I'll reserve my thanks until I know ;-)
Cat - July 11, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Although I'll usually associate this OS with being the theme song to the sorely missed TV show Joan of Arcadia, you may have just permanently attached it to Mr. Cruise for me! I loved all the little references to his movies.
Max Power - July 14, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM-Good
tomario - July 18, 2006 - Report this comment
cruise is so over rated loved the parody
Adagio - July 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Tom doesn't exactly emote...lol. His forte is running around the set like a scared rabbit.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - July 24, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - I think you're on the tangent to "Mission Impossible IV" here Stu, where Tom get's to fake being an ordinary dude who has to take out the trash, drive a lawnmower without GPS and leave the toilet seat down.
Kristof Robertson - July 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I've been thinking, Stu...I DON'T want Tom to be One of Us. The thought makes me cringe. Still fab work
Rick C - July 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Stu, I gave you 3 more 5s.
Johnny D - July 28, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Grab your E-Meter electrodes and see above!
Red Ant - July 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I second Spaff's comment, and this OS was just begging to be parodied. I haven't kept up with TC's personal life nor latest movies, but this was very good all around. 555. I guess I can forget my "What if Dogs Were Poisonous?/Like a duck-billed platypus" parody fragment now; it wouldn't be this good.
Stuart McArthur - July 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) psst, Tom - you can go home now - no way will you make the cut against the others in this month's comp - they've knocked you clear into a cocked hat!
bobpiecheese - July 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Yeah, yeah, God is great! Yeah, yeah, God is...good grief, how do you keep doing that? Writing really good parodies like it was as easy as going to the bog? Too bad I totally don't get it (I kinda stay out of the habits of weird celebs...except ol' Wacko Jacko, you just can't avoid him).
Phil Alexander - July 30, 2006 - Report this comment
Tee hee... Beautiful satirical poke at someone who deserves this sort of attention, Stu. Very enjoyable :-)
Arwen - July 31, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM...you know, I have a list of words that I adore...words that just make me giddy...and when I come across one of them, I can't help but rejoice. "Preposterous" is one of those words...and it was nestled so lovingly in the middle of this FABulous parody. Bravo!!

Still, even if you HADN'T used one of my favorite words of all time, I would still have to applaud this beauty...as making fun of Tom Cruise is one of my new favorite hobbies. EXCELLENT song choice...EXCELLENT re-write...just all over great! I love it!!
Silver Power - November 16, 2009 - Report this comment
I loved the 'whats with Kate...sure you're straight?' line the most, but there were a lot of other awesome lines. I don't very much care for Tom Cruise, but I really love your parody. 5s!
Mark Scotti - November 20, 2009 - Report this comment
ABC - He is realllly out there. And so was this hilarious parody!!!
Agrimorfee - November 24, 2009 - Report this comment
Like a Scientologist, your humor is very CLEAR.
bobpiecheese - November 29, 2009 - Report this comment
(ABC5-W) Whoah, old parody alert! I understand a bit more of the subject matter than when I read this the first time, but relative to what everyone else understands I'm still in the dark. But that's my fault, not yours.
Leo Keough - November 30, 2009 - Report this comment
ABC5(W) I knew as soon as I saw the OS and the title switch I was going to love this one...and it exceeded my expectations!!!...Masterful job!!!...555!!!
Stan Hall - November 30, 2009 - Report this comment
What Leo said. Very possibly the funniest and truest -- funiest _because_ truest -- I've read since my hiatus. Every one is great but i especially love the "Vanilla Sky-entology" line. 555
DJ Blaze - November 30, 2009 - Report this comment
LOL at title switch! You seem to blow past me and everyone else here at ABC. No offense intended to anyone except myself. 555
Below Average Dave - December 01, 2009 - Report this comment
I've read this one before and guess I never got around to commenting. . .It is a fun parody, fun TOS too
Red Ant - December 01, 2009 - Report this comment
It's great to revisit this one. If a parody NEEDED recording, this would be it. Funny and it would save the listener from a rather horrible OS. =)
Melanie Lee - December 01, 2009 - Report this comment
(ABC) What if Stu were one of us? Lucky us, he's one of us! He gets a 555, too!

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