I was on my way home from the Stadium
where the Yanks played the Royals, and man, they beat them.
I was thinking 'bout my next parody-writing effort.

When I saw Spaff and Johnny D
and Spaff said, "Mike, better listen to me."
Spaff said, "I got some bad news, it's gonna hurt."

"Now, we're your good friends, you feel in in your bones.
But you know the girl you love, Catherine Zeta-Jones?
She's been reading those parodies 'bout her you sling."

I got embarrassed, I turned red.
But what's worse was the thing Johnny D said.
He said, "Catherine's headed on out to Wyoming."

That's the night that they fight o'er me, they're gorgeous!
That's the night that they duelled into it, man!
So don't trust your heart to the Elf or Mrs. Zorro
'cause the swordfight gave them bloodstains on their hands!

You know I got scared and I left the bar.
I got on a plane headed out real far.
Y'see, I don't have many women, don't wanna lose one.

Douglas said his wife's already left town.
And that means trouble's coming around.
'Cause Arwen's got magic more powerful than any gun.

So I found my way to Arwen's house
slipping through the mountains, quiet as a mouse.
Hoping to stop Zeta-Jones from making mistake.

A wee bit tardy, it seems they'd commenced.
Arwen was already into her defense
tossing lightning bolts, and I felt the ground shake.

The Wyoming patrol was a-making their rounds
but they drove on past, 'cause they ain't no clowns.
Catherine unsheathed her sword and said, "He's mine, shorty, doncha do it!"

And five minutes later Kirk Doulgas arrived
found his daughter-in-law barely alive
saying, "Catherine, it's time to go home, so we gotta get to it!"

That's the night that they fight o'er me, they're gorgeous!
That's the night that they duelled into it, man!
So don't trust your heart to the Elf or Mrs. Zorro
'cause the swordfight gave them bloodstains on their hands!

Well, I hung my head and I heard Arwen say,
"Now, Mister Pacholek, I get my way.
She comes to my house, but victory shall be mine."

And Douglas' bleeding wife has come around.
But she'll never go back to Arwen's town.
You see, it wouldn't matter if she'd had her "Chicago" gun!

That's the night that they fight o'er me, they're gorgeous!
Whoa-ho!
That's the night that they duelled into it, man!
Uh-huh!
So don't trust your heart to the Elf or Mrs. Zorro
'cause the swordfight gave them bloodstains on their hands!