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Song Parodies -> "Ethel Merman"

Original Song Title:

"Don't Let It Bring You Down (Castles Burning)"

Original Performer:

Neil Young

Parody Song Title:

"Ethel Merman"

Parody Written by:

Porfle Popnecker

The Lyrics

In 1964, Ernest Borgnine married Ethel Merman. They separated very shortly thereafter. This song parody is about what I imagine their honeymoon may have been like. youtube
Borgnine lying in a satiny robe
With amore' on his mind
Muu-muu winkin' round the blubbery load
Of a heavyweight behind

Old Crow sippin', half a gallon is gone
As the door flies open wide
Borgnine crying in a satiny robe
With a glazed look in his eyes

Don't fret and have a cow
It's only Ethel Merman
Blind-stricken and squirmin'
Your goose is cookin' now

Hind end hummin' on a Saturday night
Goin' faster on command
Ernie's bound to deliver his might
As she imagines Ray Milland

Bed goes crashin' as the windows lose a pane
Can you hear the timbers groan
Borgnine miming Mother Hubbard's old refrain
As he gives the dog a bone

Don't get a gun and "pow"
It's only Ethel Merman
Mind-numbed and returnin'
Your two-week wedding vow

Don't fret and have a cow
It's only Ethel Merman
You're mind-numbed and returnin'
Your two-week wedding vow

Don't get a gun and "pow"
It's only Ethel Merman
Your license will be burnin'
As Reno will allow

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   10

User Comments

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Sam - May 15, 2017 - Report this comment
Everything's coming up roses for you PP, so 5s!
CML - May 15, 2017 - Report this comment
Who but Porfle could even conceive a song about "spermin' the Merman?" Who but Porfle?
Howard Cosell - May 15, 2017 - Report this comment
Funny you should say that Lennie, because that's how Ernie Borgnine used to put it when he talked about making love to her. He would also use the phrase "Pumping Ethel" When he wanted sex, he would just go "Fill 'er up, ma'am? Ernie also claimed she was a real "Squirmin' Merman" in bed. Heh heh, Ernie could be a real clever fellow at times
Porfle Popnecker - May 15, 2017 - Report this comment
I really had to restrain myself from using that rhyme! Thanks for the comments!
Rob Arndt - May 15, 2017 - Report this comment
They were only married 32 days! Ernie used to insult her in public, but she shot back against his sexual performance: ' If you blinked, you missed it!" Hard to believe Borgnine was married 5 times to some lovely ladies despite being known in Hollywood as "Mr. Ugly." I always think of him making fun of himself with bad looks in his film "Marty.' 555!
Porfle Popnecker - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
I read that one of the things that sunk their honeymoon was that everyone recognized him in the foreign country they went to but nobody recognized her and her ego couldn't take it!
Ernie Borgnine - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
Actually, Porfle, what really torpedoed it was .. every time I'd get ready slip it in from behind, which is my favorite way to do it, she'd start in with, "There's NO stiffness like pole stiffness like no stiffness I know." Yeah, that really screwed the pooch when she did that
George Takei - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
^^ "Everything about it leaves me squealing" OH MY! ... BTW, Porfle did you catch the Star Trek reference: Torpedo! OH MY!
CML - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
I checked out clips of EM in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" She is not in the slightest bit overweight for a woman in her mid-fifties. In fact, I think she's damn attractive; I'd definitely squirm the Merm. But then again I'm in that age group AND the Ethel Merman type is definitely in my gene pool .... She was also a gifted comic; she's in a movie with six of the best comedians of her generation and she isn't upstaged in the slightest. The hell, they've got Milton Berle playing a straight man in his scenes with her. But then again, she was playing an ill-tempered, ball-busting middle aged woman, which was probably not a stretch for her ..... Should have paid attention that red flag, Ernie
Rob Arndt - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
"It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" eh? Lol! "Give us those keys!" Loved the ending when EM slips on the banana peel! Classic!
Porfle Popnecker - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
"Ethel Merman" and "attractive" are words that my brain won't even consider putting together.
CML - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
Well, that's the problem in a nutshell, Porfle. Try putting those two words together just once. One time. Your brain can do it Porfle. C'mon, Porfle, break down the barriers that keep you from a full appreciation of the beauty that IS Ethel Merman (;-D)
Rob Arndt - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
She made TIME magazine in 1940:,9263,7601401028,00.html
George Takei - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
^^ Like Callmelennie and Mayo! YUMMY!
Wiki - May 16, 2017 - Report this comment
Borgnine recounted how Merman came back from a film one day and said, "The director said I looked sensational. He said I had the face of a 20-year-old, and the body and legs of a 30-year-old!" Borgnine replied, "Did he say anything about your old cunt?" "No," replied Merman, "he didn't mention you at all."
While rehearsing a guest appearance on NBC's The Loretta Young Show, Merman exclaimed, "Where the hell does this go?" Young, who was a devout Catholic, advanced towards her waving an empty coffee can, saying, "Come on Ethel. You know my rules. That'll cost you a dollar." To which Merman replied, "Ah, honey, how much will it cost me to tell you to go f*ck yourself?!"
Kiwi - May 17, 2017 - Report this comment
^^^And that was the precise moment the Merm did turn for Borgnine

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