Sitting on a park bench --
reading somethin' weird the book club sent
Snot is running down his nose --
in HD with shot zoomed extra close
Hey, Jacob Gump!
Returns books when he's done --
listens for John Locke' eight story stun
Hey, Jacob Gump!
Never will be dumbstruck--
spitting out verses of some Hallmark guck
Oh/Hey, Jacob Gump!

He streaks forth and fro --
watch this man wander ev'ry scene
Screen face time
the only way he knows
Legs hurting bad,
for ol' John Locke whose wounded lots, then
Gump splits to the next scene
and waits his cue.

You're so well-timed --
Bride and groom receiving line
Give some Dr. Phil quotes-
they'll buy 'couple these
JacobGump my friend --
don't you sneak away cheap'ly
you tightfisted bum, you see nothing's free.

Did you still remember
to bring a wedding gift? --
With these free grubs
clinging to your wallet's
living cheapily.
And you snatch your back pocket
with Eb-en-eez-er sounds,
then you go va-room quite
fast to the next scene...

Sun's crying, y'know --
a white man crashed her reception.
But this time,
the money Gump will blow
Looks hurting bad,
as he spends to pick up ol' Jack
He goes to his loose change -
sets it free

Apollo bar --
was dangling until,
salvation a la Gump, but
maybe on the cheap
JacobGump my friend --
did you walk away so easy? -
'You pour old slugs into the ma-chine? Say no!

(Guitar solo)

Jacob Gump my friend --
are you in ev'ry flashback scene?
Forrest skipped Ford, but you did Sayid. One mo'... *

Sitting in a parked cab --
eyeing a fat man with weird intent
Snot is running down his nose --
guy on a site said zoom extra close --
Hey, Jacob Gump!
After this scene is done --
time to pay the fare, then watch him run
Hey, Jacob Gump!
Crap, he's such a cheap....mmm....duck --
Oh, the heck with it, he's a cheap (CENSORED)!
Hey, Jacob Gump!

Ohh, Jacob Gump....


(* Substituting "Carter" for "Ford" is acceptable.)