Matthias got drunk on Vodka
Cause his friends told him it was cool
Now in boxer shorts
He makes dumb retorts
To hot girls about how he drools

When his pals say that the best way to get with women is to smoke some pot
Well, Matthias burnt down another joint
Now he’s laughing like a kinda nut

He never wants to blow it
And the peer pressure is huge
Playing Truth or Dare he won’t get scared
Running through the Mall nude

Now when driving he’ll play some chicken, boy
If a cute girl tells him to
That’s why that sports car’s crashed into a bar
And Matty is getting sued

At the bar he’ll flirt with hotties
And he will not need a gin
When his buddies lie
“She gave you the eye”
But now he got slapped by Lynn

Matt will never say “No”
And look like a big nerd
You can tell that he’s gullible
By the events that have occurred
Although each try is disastrous he made his dorm explode
When he’s told Meth brings the girls in large loads

He’s never been past 2nd base
And will dress the way he’s told
“You need a studded belt around those chubby hips”
“And a hat that’s made of gold”

That will get you into Meg’s G-String
Cause she will like the way you’re dressed
And he’ll do it cause he’s quite dim
On his damn “Pop the Cherry” quest

(Matthias deeply thinking section of the song starting with fiddle music)

I’ll do everything to get some head
Cause that’s my sole mission
I get walked on like a set of stairs
It’s rare when I make my own decisions

Try to relax, and don’t get drunk
Cause whenever you do you’re a little punk
Drop the cigarette because you will choke
Do you cause a huge fright?
I think so!

(Exit deeply thinking section of the song ending with fiddle music)

Matthias shook his head
When his friend said “She’s in heat”
“So go tell a wicked riddle”
“To go sweep her off her feet”

I won’t get drunk or high and I won’t jump when you say when
Although she’s hot she is quite the bitch, she won’t be my girlfriend!

Now Matt won’t…
Swim in those pond fountains just for fun
Days of being gullible are now done
He won’t swallow a whole trout unless it’s for dough
Peer pressure’s a hard fight
Just say no!