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Song Parodies -> "Only God Decides"

Original Song Title:

"Only Women Bleed"

Original Performer:

Alice Cooper

Parody Song Title:

"Only God Decides"

Parody Written by:

Christian Sally

The Lyrics

Only God decides
So swallow your pride
Don't ask why
Shut up and believe

Hey you in pain
Dying of cancer
Leprosy agony
Hang in there and take care
You can tough it out
No need to shout
If you wanna cry, cry to the Lord
If you wanna yell, yell to Him on high
It's no excuse to end your life.
Tell Kevorkian to go away
And stay outside on rainy days
So you're in agony, suffering all the time
Here's some news to make you feel better
God loves you!
And he'll deliver you in his own sweet time.
So buck up, tortured soul, and be strong!
Oh, and keep your hand away from that plug, gun, or lethal needle

Only God decides
So stay on this ride
Don't ask why
Don't ask so many questions!
Shut up and believe

So you got raped
Join the club
You feel dirty, filthy, poisoned
You're not feeling very good right now, I take it
Lighten up!
You know why?
God loves you
And he will heal the wounds and punish the offender
In his own sweet time
So why would you want to punish an innocent life
Growing inside you
By sand blasting it out of your swollen body.
So this infant might have the rapist's face,
Hands, feet, and dirty dingle
Well, he might grow on you
And you may learn to love his rakish good looks
And you may forgive the rapist in time
Save your baby
Don't say maybe
To new life in your womb
When you kill what's in your womb
You make the world a tomb
Only God decides

So have a wafer and a smile
Because all the while
Only God decides

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.2

Total Votes: 26

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   4
 2   0
 3   2
 4   0
 5   20

User Comments

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J. P. Sartre - March 17, 2007 - Report this comment
I beg to differ. Only you decide.
Yahweh - March 17, 2007 - Report this comment
Oy vey, this one really died. That's what I've decided. In the name of Me, don't send in any more parodies. You're a major reason why I sometimes regret giving humanity free will. I had decided to smite you. But my Son talked me out of it. He's a better sport than I am. Of course, He also likes to say, "They know not what they do." What can I say, He's a good boy, but He's not infallible.
Satan - March 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Hee hee! See how my servants bash you. Actually, on this site, my most faithful servants are the ones who decide things... or so they think, anyway. In reality, I decide what they do. The reason I can tell you all this so freely is because I have them so befuddled, they would never believe this is me.
John Jenkins - March 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Some good lines here, such as the womb/tomb couplet. But, while Christianity requires faith, having faith does not mean that your beliefs cannot stand up to rigorous questioning. Perhaps you are suggesting that some agnostics are going to question everything without ever having the courage to commit to a belief system; but, for the most part, Christians appreciate questions from non-Christians.
Phil Alexander - March 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Sally, have you ever actually listened to the OS? This was a completely different song altogether - different phrasing, different rhyme scheme. Ignoring that I disagree with your central premise, I don't think you put it across well at all.
Mother Earth - March 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Well, one thing that is true here "Only God Decides"

So stop telling me what I should and should not believe because Only God Decides who is right and who is wrong. . .Only God Decides wether or not gay is wrong, not you. . .Take your own advice child, take your own advice. God loves everyone, and if abortion is indeed the way that you believe it to be, then let God deal with it and worry about your own life.
God - March 19, 2007 - Report this comment
I'm sorry to kill the party here folks but I don't exist. You've all created me in your own image. And if I did exist, I would have made sure that the bible didn't contradict itself so many times. And who the hell says "Thou" and "begets" anyway? - March 19, 2007 - Report this comment
I don't know "Only Women Bleed," and the lyrics I found for it don't seem to match this piece, but I'm willing to grant that I'm missing that part of the joke (since there's a lot of that going around). As a stand-alone work, though, this is painfully funny, with enough darkly brilliant details to make me think I recognize Christian Sally's rakish good looks.
Christian Sally - March 27, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks for your thoughts, suggestions, and compliments!
Jonathan S. - March 31, 2007 - Report this comment
For heaven's sake (no pun intended), I think you've all gone clear off the deep end (except for! At least SPAFF can put in a simple comment without being pig-headed and mocking Christianity, you stupid jerks!
Jay Crandall - January 31, 2008 - Report this comment
Not a Christian, though I am a dedicated Alice Cooper fan- Your lyrics aren't quit scanning, but they do come close. Overall, not too bad. As for the Abortion issue? Probably best left alone, Hmm?

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