Ah, she's grown a large derriere
Farts she sprayed, rose, scary at times
Remember she can't run up the stairs
She weighs in at two-ninety-nine

Gets all her weight gain in caloric spurts
(no filling, she keeps foraging)
Farts cheese, aged, whoa!...air reeks of chives
(trace of marshmallow on food-crusted gown)
Her mouth, it seems, so speedily works
(tankards of mead, thrown, she's wild as a mountain)
She once lost a tooth in a rind
(keeps underwear on the chair in the hall)

Often, she finds that it aches her to stand
(oh, the size of her bill, no tipping she leaves)
Parts cheeks, splayed, nose buried in slime
(washes down gravy with Killians beers)
She keeps some salt water taffy at hand
(a waiter cleans and polishes a spoon)
When she's at a new trough to dine

Waiter to keep her in pickles, she utters
(poor fellow, dazed him, breath garlic and scallions)
Partially spayed, no marrying kind
(generally orders her dinners to fill)
And slather it all in a bunch of butter
(and the weight that she was, she's long ago forgotten)
Then she'll eat anew, bread and wine

Ah, she's grown a large derriere
Harshly said, oh very unkind
Remember she can't run up the stairs
She weighs in at two-ninety-nine