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Song Parodies -> "Pagan Quacks"

Original Song Title:

"Paint It Black"

Original Performer:

Rolling Stones

Parody Song Title:

"Pagan Quacks"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

The centerpiece of the traditional Christmas Eve feast in Poland is Carp. Ted Williams' son had his dad's head cryogenized; disputed rumor has it that Walt Disney is cryogenically frozen and his body is in a hidden chamber beneath Pirates of The Caribbean at Disneyland. Technically speaking, Stonehenge is a cluster of dolmens--dolmen being a Cornish word that means holestone, any large stone upended and fixed in a hole in the ground. The herbs listed are a few of many that are considered toxic in sufficiently high doses.
They'd read a dead boar's entrails, would these pagan quacks.
They'd commune with Zeus, Thor, and gods who came in packs.
You'd see these girls and guys dressed in emperor's clothes;
Today that might turns heads; back then, anything goes.

They didn't dine on carp at Christmas, pagan packs--
Not Poles, they loved maypoles that from forests were hacked.
And when you are trimming your chopped Christmas tree today. . .
Custom born when pagans around one did dance and bray.

They'd look inside an elk, and its heart they'd hijack
Along with dead-boar entrails, then they'd try to crack
Mysteries contained in matter on which vultures might snack,
But the priests were makin' up endogmagenous* facts.

No morgues had these people when terms of life were due;
They could not force-freeze heads as Ted and Walt would do.

Stonehenge dolmens measured sunrise and setting sun.
Druidic debauchery, I surmise, was fun.

If you're at death's door, do not see a pagan quack. . .
Might give you herbs and mugwort for a heart attack,
Then by this churl you'd die; he'd summarily dose
You with toxic nostrums while you'd slowly thrombose.

Uh-uh, uh-uh. . . .

So don't get any tainted, tainted snacks: cassia, creosote,
Corydalis, senna, hops, ma-huang, symphytum,
Don't get into those tainted, tainted, tainted, tainted snacks,
No.


*combination of "dogma," and "endogenous," growing or originating from within.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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alvin rhodes - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
about time someone recognized pagan quacks around here...5s
PMS - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
Quacked me up!
AFW - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
As cool as ice..
Stuart McArthur - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
no harm in a little Druidic debauchery every now and then - educational as always, JAB - 555
John Jenkins - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
Very good, especially the last verse.
Lionel Mertens - January 29, 2007 - Report this comment
I think Placeville, CA was founded by the Druids. 5's
Meriadoc - January 30, 2007 - Report this comment
Dda and 3 pemps to you just for identifying the proper entymology of "dolmen" :-)

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