She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee; a lawsuit is her scheme.
Or maybe spills McDonald's coffee; it's as hot as steam.
And her appeal is taken by the justices supreme.
I think it's called a writ of certiori.

She's been denied admission to the college of her choice.
And even if they'll hear her case, it's no cause to rejoice.
I hate to have to say it, but I have to use my voice.
The court can sometimes refuse certiori.

I'd like to say a word in their behalf.
Then say it, counselor.
There's good jobs on their staff.

How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
How do you pin Justice Stevens down?
How does Renquist differ from Scalia?
And how many folks think Thomas is a clown?
In many a case O'Connor is the swing vote.
What kind of things does Breyer understand?
Will Souter and Ginsburg stay and listen to what you say?
Will Kennedy let you stay upon the stand?
How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
How do you hold the nation in your hand?

When they're talking I'm confused, out of focus and bemused,
And I never know exactly what to say.
Unpredictable as weather, asking questions as they gather
Information to decide it either way.

They can give you quite a test; so you'd better do your best,
As you wonder which amendment to invoke.
Their opinions will be read even after you are dead,
As the nine of them consider what you spoke.

How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
How do you pin Justice Stevens down?
How does Renquist differ from Scalia?
And how many folks think Thomas is a clown?
In many a case O'Connor is the swing vote.
What kind of things does Breyer understand?
Will Souter and Ginsburg stay and listen to what you say?
Will Kennedy let you stay upon the stand?
How do you solve a problem like Scalia?
How do you hold the nation in your hand?