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Song Parodies -> "Ciphers"

Original Song Title:

"Lighters"

Original Performer:

Bad Meets Evil ft. Bruno Mars

Parody Song Title:

"Ciphers"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my Pop Danthology 2011 self-challenge. Lots of people like a good puzzle now and then. But sometimes you get a doozy...
This is confu-usin' me, can't tell wha-at it mea-ea-eans
Makes no-o friggi-in' sense to me-e
Lots of tricks to-o try, might stay up all ni-i-ight
Just so-o I ca-an fi-in'lly rea-ead
This website full of ci-iphe-ers
This site full of ci-iphe-e-ers

When I try to read it, my brain gets all twisty, spirals up
I'm sure that it means somethin', if it's all nonsense, I'll blow right up
The numbers aren't addin' up, gotta punch the fives in
Typin' like lightnin', I'm no cipher buff, but I'm tryin', uh
Not a scheme, not hacking, this forum of things
They like riddles, that's fine, but this one stinks
No part of it gels with the rest, it's silly but it kills me
That I'm the one who's makin' an attempt, the rest are useless
They give up and then they guilt me cause I freak freely
Overwhelmed by my confusion by all this bullshit
And the way this bloody thing is usin' symbols is stupid
So stupid how it crams in ancient hieroglyphics
And ev'ry other kind of alphabet, both current and dead
Who the smeg thinks anybody here knows them? Phallic heads
That's what I think of them, screw them, but for now, with this
I'll keep researchin' 'til I know all and plow through this
Oh bugger, found another stumblin' block, I'm buggered, man
This part of the thing demands knowledge, sacks of it
But I sort of know nothin', call me Jon Snow an'
Got basic smarts, not sayin' that I would be failin'
Any basic IQ brainin', should explain it
Sayin' I don't know raisin production at all, shit
That's what this thing wants from me, failin'
And tryna search on Google gets me squat
Takes some crazy-ass brainin' trainin' is the main point that I am sayin'
How long will it take? Don't know, mate
I'm gonna break through my skull if it takes
One more facepalm cause I usually don't feel this way
These puzzles are just logical enough that if I focus my brain
That I can almost notice a chain between stages, huge strain
I really don't know if this ain't just bollocks
Just some kinda dick prank, I would hate if that's all that it is
I'd get a migraine, though how could I tell I've got one more on my poor brain

This is confu-usin' me, can't tell wha-at it mea-ea-eans
Makes no-o bloody-y sense to me-e
I've got tricks to-o try, might be up all ni-i-ight
Just so-o I ca-an fi-in'lly rea-ead
This website full of ci-iphe-ers
This site full of ci-iphe-e-ers

I'm still tryna read it, I'm gonna need paper now, buddy
Cause I have to scribble the riddle out so I know what I'm writin'
Pens and pencils, erasers, a sharpie or somethin'
The forum tells me "give up, boy, you're goin' to blow it"
But if I end up usin' enough paper
To write Harry Potter out in sixteen languages, from Old Russian to Sanskrit
And end up solvin' this, then it's worth it, man
It's not like I use paper, I gotta know it
With a few more beers, my logic will jump like mad
And soon I might find what the shite this thing all means, right
Cause it's like the Riddler chose to step his crime game up
And so I fear I won't get this in twenty years
Can't stop 'til I crack this puzzle box
Prove to myself I'm not a straight-up white paste-consumin' moron clot
Progress goes up then goes down
Because I worked out somethin' that invalidates what I'm workin' on
Takin' hours, seven hours now, brain is leakin' out
Wish I could just leave and eat some choc'late muffins
But at this point, to opt out now's the coward's out
Sunk cost fallacy, afraid that's stupid now
Might be screwed, can't remember when I had pages in front of me
That had jack to do with this, dude, it's sad, but true
This puzzle is a bastard
I wish my brain would stop gettin' locked up
Any more freezin', I could pull out icepicks
This thing's bullshit-tastic, somebody wrote it while high
It's so tricky, wants me to ask for hintin'
But I won't, cause as you should see, it seems brain's died
Not pullin' out, not gonna put this puzzle to the wayside
Once the code is cracked, celebrations are called for, I feel
And I'll know ev'rythin', all will be old hat
Gettin' close, I swear it, man, hang on, it can't be, this is bullcrap

It seems I-I've cracked it tonight
Pieces fall down all ali-i-igned
But this shi-ite can't be-e right
I'll delete this si-ite, rage is hi-i-i-i-igh
Cau-ause what was confu-usin' me, I know wha-at it mea-ea-eans
And i-it's "drink you-our Ovalti-ine"
All the tricks I-I tried just gave me that shi-i-ite?
I've ne-ever see-een tha-at movie-ie
This website made a ci-iphe-er
A trite, shitty ci-iphe-e-er

...which then almost insults you with the answer. And yes, I legit haven't seen A Christmas Movie. Nor do I plan to. Even if it didn't revolve around an American idea of Christmas, it wouldn't live up to the hype.

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