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Song Parodies -> "Where I'm Keeping You"

Original Song Title:

"Forever and for Always"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Shania Twain

Parody Song Title:

"Where I'm Keeping You"

Parody Written by:

Spaff.com

The Lyrics

I chained up Robert Lund, Mercy Malick, and Bob Emmet, and told them I would let them go if they recorded this song. I lied.
In your arms
There are bolts to the floor to ensure you'll never leave me
And a lock through your tongue so your words cannot deceive me
And it's wired to the electrodes
In your arms

And there ain't no way
I'm letting you go now
And there ain't no way
For you to get out
Never break those chains

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
Underneath the trap door in the hallway
Gonna hose you off each morning in my crawl space
Always

In your heart
Was a dark little spot that forgot how much you love me
But thanks to my blade it's displayed on the wall above me
Now there's more room for devotion
In your heart

And there ain't no way
I'm letting you go now
And there ain't no way
'Cause your screaming calms me down
Keep it up all day

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
Down inside my secret extra-small place
Where I know how good the spiders on the wall taste
Always

In your eyes
There is guilt that your weekly meals all go right through you
And a touch of regret that the rats all beat me to you
But it's mostly love and longing
In your eyes

And there ain't no way
I'm letting you go now
And there ain't no way
They'll ever track you down
Just enjoy your stay

'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always
Underneath the floor boards in the hallway
Gonna make sure you stay faithful in my crawl space
I'm keeping you forever and for always

(c) 2008+ Spaff, LLC. Happy Impending Valentine's Day.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 18

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2
 2
 
 2   1
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
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 4   1
 0
 0
 
 5   15
 16
 16
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Matthias - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Creepy song Spaff. Don't know the original on this one, since is strange, because I'm a fan of country music, lately I haven't been listening to it, and that's probably why if this is a brand new Shania Twain song. Anyways this would be a great premise for a horror film hot country singer captures a groupie and traps him in her basement. (Actually any movie with a hot evil country singer would be fun to watch).
Invisible Boy - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again"
he he...
McKludge - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
I hope this isn't autobiographical.
LittleCupCakes - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
To the staff at SPAFF.com, this write is quite ' poetic ' much like that of Edgar Allen Poe . . . A bit on the dark side, though.
Agrimorfee - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Exceptionally weird, Spaff. Not sure if this should be an official Robert Lund recording, it's so dark compared to what I am used to from you guys.
Arwen - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
If anyone can take a sweet tender song that always reminds me of "that special someone" of long ago, and turn it into a song that will now forever give me the creeps...it's you Spaff. Good on ya. ; )

Perfect, by the way...nice work!
Jeff Reuben - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Nice...Shania Twain meets Silence Of The Lambs. A new meaning to Spaffdom :0
TJC - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Quoth the raven: "Never more dark, never more funny"
Claude Prez - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Creepy? Dark? Maybe you just have to be familiar with the original to get how hilarious this is; the number of lines that didn't have to be changed at all is awesome.
Tim Mayfield - January 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Nice. Very romantic. Extra points for the mouse-over red text effect (even if you didn't provide that bit of code) it adds an extra creepiness.
And this is the most cool line in the song:
"Where I know how good the spiders on the wall taste"
Spaff.com - January 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Matthias: I'm with you on the visuals. We'll see if we can get Mercy Malick - who moonlights as a hot evil country singer - to do a video for this.

Invisible Boy & Jeffaroo: Shanannibal!

McKludge: It's not. None of it. Really. No, I swear.

LittleCupCakes & TJC: Poe rules. This concept was at least partially lifted from "The Tell-Tale Heart," one of the first stories to gave me nightmares. I hope he doesn't sue.

Aggro: So is it better to be exceptionally weird or typically weird?

Arwen: Glad I could help you out with that.

Claude: Feel free to stick around, man. Don't make me force you to.

Tim: OK, maybe *part* of this is autobiographical.
Spaff.com - January 14, 2009 - Report this comment
P.S. I forgot to say thanks, everyone. So thanks, everyone.

And if you haven't heard the recording of this, you really really ought to. Click the handy link in my intro comment.
Tim Mayfield - January 14, 2009 - Report this comment
OK, so the red text effect on mouse-over is really a bug in Firefox I suppose. But, you did supply the code, whether intended or not, the reference to the keeping_you.html page didn't close with /a it was only.
Gary - January 17, 2009 - Report this comment
Not one ounce of funny was in the song. Man-bashing is so uncool.
Jack Wilson - January 29, 2009 - Report this comment
This is awesome,5s
Spaff.com - February 12, 2009 - Report this comment
Tim: It's all just magic. Best not to ask. Gary: Funny is measured in roentgens. Typical male. Jackie: Thanks!
Spaff.com - February 12, 2009 - Report this comment
I swear I remember how to use line breaks. Let's try that last comment again, shall we?

- Tim: It's all just magic. Best not to ask.
- Gary: Funny is measured in roentgens. Typical male.
- Jackie: Thanks!
Flash Flood - August 04, 2009 - Report this comment
This is so awesome,I just love it! My favourite was: 'Cause I'm keeping you forever and for always Underneath the trap door in the hallway Gonna hose you off each morning in my crawl space Always Ubercool!!!
Spaff.com - August 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Thanks, Flash. Hey, did Mr. & Mrs. Flood name you after the superhero - or the dog in Dukes of Hazzard?
Flash Flood - October 03, 2009 - Report this comment
They named me after a certain nature incident that causes horrible damage and sometimes kills people... ;-)
Spaff.com - November 10, 2009 - Report this comment
Me too. My real name is VD.
Andria - November 11, 2009 - Report this comment
Good parody. Sounds like quite the horror story, being kept in a crawl space with vermin, bugs and one meal a week. I KTOS all too well, having had to put up with it being aired several times daily on every country, soft-rock and pop station in town for a year or so after the OS debuted, and likewise with the video being broadcast to death on CMT. Nowadays I hate the OS, but I can say I love this parody, and the subject matter is a lot like the books I like to read. 555 days in solitary confinement under my hallway.
Spaff.com - December 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Andria: You heard "Forever and for Always" several times a day for a year? Now THAT is a horror story.
Andria @ Spaff.com - December 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Regarding Flash Flood's comment, my real name isn't Andria. "Andria" is actually an acronym for "Absolutely Nasty, Disturbing, Royally Irritating A**hole". (just kidding, if you were to open my wallet, you wouldn't find Absolutely Nasty, Disturbing, Royally Irritating A**hole before my middle and last names on my driver's license, ATM card, gasoline card and checkbook. You would instead find what the first letters in each word of "Absolutely Nasty, Disturbing, Royally Irritating A**hole" would spell, and that can also be found on my birth certificate and on all 61 of my parodies. About the year of "Forever and For Always", the only thing since that came close was in 2006 when they did the same thing with "Allyssa Lies" by Jason Michael Carroll, which is a tearjerker about a little girl being tortured to death that almost makes me want to drink Ipecac and projectile vomit in the writer of that song's face.
Spaff.com - February 08, 2010 - Report this comment
Yikes. That sounds nearly as horrible as "Dear Mr. Jesus."
white trash - July 22, 2010 - Report this comment
this sounds like the book misery.
Spaff.com - March 28, 2011 - Report this comment
Thanx, white trash. I love it when my songs are compared to Misery.

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