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Song Parodies -> "Whiny Harry Club"

Original Song Title:

"White America"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Eminem

Parody Song Title:

"Whiny Harry Club"

The Lyrics

Dedicated to all of those chatrooms and fan websites swamped by obsessive, opinionated teens who squabble and argue about minor details in the Harry Potter books and films. "Putting the fan back in fanatical."
A Harry Club, I loathe you!
So many pimply kids shouting criticisms that are pitifully sultry, a bore.
Your gripes and your wars about typos and wrong lines in the script.
You Slytherin fans who would choke the necks of those Ravenclaw freaks
And then fight all day Hufflepuffs in garments of gold.
(Yo, I want every Dobby desisting to be heard in this song.)
...It's getting old.

It never would have seemed that a billion teenage geeks,
Would become Potter-lovin' people, who read all week.
Who wear those lame robes over their large Hagrid briefs.
It's like Dumbledore's Army bunched in a chatroom. Eek!

Young Harry's life discussed, so much Granger mail.
All is conflicting in conviction, such brainless claims.
Debates fuelled from video frames replayed, replayed.
Til the page stacks up again with hateful rage.

They come in hordes, wearing Flitwick ears, Filch underwear.
Updating blog sites, preaching like a priest during prayer.
And soon they chatter on about different new magic tricks.
Then they contradict each word and have to start slapping wrists.

"It wasn't Snuffles' sword...listen buddy, it was Snape's office..."
"Then Ron was re-telling him about Fluffy's jaws and... she wasn't!"
Fans guaranteeing Albus Dumbledore's a goblin. Well, probably.
The puzzling things that they write... and they won't shut up on this:

Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her muggle gifts.

Look at these guys, lazy goofs, crazy over Radcliffe.
They'll swamp his town's railroad soon, wait for Hogwarts Express.
Dan may be huge, ladies coo. Babes flash glimpses of breasts.
Middle-aged dude flashing? "MJ, you're under arrest."

They are riff-raff and I just laugh at Potter-fan crap.
I don't have no magic paper shrinking my school on a map.
Yet whiny saps, all buck-toothed, write out spools of feedback.
Go get a life! Show them where the soccer stadium's at!

When Jo was underground, no-one gave a stuff what she'd write.
No fable printed late nineties; no depraved slobs. Rowling's life: lovely.
Until that sad day. Bloomsbury's blundersome gaffe.
Gave it a chance and, my, it acquired those cumbersome fans.

Soon billions had to be bought. All these fanatical tots,
Thought Hogwarts wizards the rage and soon websites swam in the rot.
These fans can't be stopped! Witches, hags, books full of this chow.
It's like a sin if no Potter-lover's at the cinemas now.

A Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her muggle gifts.

See the bubbles fizz in beakers of gurgling mist.
Kids could be wise and be clever... but a nerdling wiz?
Those dumb troublemakers should have packed a burn-proof kit.
Transfiguration, Charms and Potions aren't for learning kids!

Wait for the movie out in the fricking snow all day.
These twits flip if it screws up. "Harry's shoes aren't grey!"
Adore the book and so persist for that lucky job.
"We've got our extras, so leave now because you suck as Ron."

And so fans become critics with wands, donned in lycra coats.
Searching with their lion-tooth combs, through lines and quotes.
Stating the faults. Writing down each found typo.
Watching films ninety times each, like psycho spy kids, yo.

All I hear is: magic, tragic, wands and nonsense, curses,
Monsters crawling round a lot like Michael Jackson's constant lurking.
Surely kids stop endeavours to Hogwarts and follow other book rosters.
Laughter and fun aren't all covered in Potter's farting 'round classes.

But yet this passion for acting out magic tricks on a dragon happens,
And I'm just gobsmacked that this action didn't match Baggins'.
Quit... with Potter feedback cuz it's hopeless; foul.
I'm grossed out now. Wish Voldemort would roast you sows!

A Whiny Harry Club!
A horde of dunderhead kids.
Whiny Harry Club!
Literary books caused all this.
Whiny Harry Club!
Scary like Roald Dahl's crypt.
Kids won't stop reading spells, looking worse than drug addicts.

Whiny Harry Club!
These hook in hundreds of twits.
Whiny Harry Club!
Let them terrorise on the net.
Whiny Harry Club!
Areas swamped with Brits.
Rowling, the Queen of All. Look at all her muggle gifts.

So to you members of the Harry club.
Whining unbearably, lame and fricking terrible.
Fleur Delacour? Marry her!
You readers are a curse of such worthless thoughts.
Sent to pee us all right off with your facts and numbers,
Insisting to scorn others right out.
To burn your mags and replace them all with your Goblet of Fire fiction.
Then spit diction to webpages full of Potter freaks and witchcraftery.
Stuff fools from Chamber! Stuff fools wanting more!
Stuff you, wannabes dressed like witches.
Online debates are harassment and annoy me to hell.
Stuff you!

Avra...
Ked-avra...
Nerdlings gather...
Fools!

I'm just playing now, Harry club, you know I love Jo.

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 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.9

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 2
 1
 
 5   13
 11
 12
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Apricot - November 13, 2004 - Report this comment
Exactly what I've come to expect... 5-4-5.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - November 13, 2004 - Report this comment
Indeed. Harry Potter is the same for me. ;)
Stuart McArthur - November 14, 2004 - Report this comment
you kids've got too much energy - this is an impressive massive work Luke - but I'm a fan - I don't know this one, but 555 to a countryman (no jokes about deleting the last 2 syllables, please! people)
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - November 15, 2004 - Report this comment
OK, no jokes about 'syllables' or whatever you're on about, but I must say, my name isn't ryman.
Timinem - November 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Pure genious!!! I told Luke I'd love to rap it and make a recording if I ever find the time... Peace yo! Tim Shady
Adagio - December 01, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) DKTOS, but an impressive piece of work!!!
Guy - December 03, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC-W) DKTOS but a fine read.
Rick D - December 08, 2004 - Report this comment
What Adagio said.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - December 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Yes, as opposed to what Guy said. ;)
Agrimorfee - December 09, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) Jake, a wonderful job again on the Slim Shady tip. Makes me want to play the track on The Eminem Show CD that we havne't played in my house for over a year! 555!
Scathe - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC-W) Eminem and Harry Potter is not a mixture I needed, but good job.
John Jenkins - December 10, 2004 - Report this comment
I liked the clever insertions of Roald Dahl and Michael Jackson.
Johnny D - December 11, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) "Potter's farting 'round classes" ... LOL !
Arwen - December 12, 2004 - Report this comment
ABC--I didn't come around when this first posted because I don't know the song...but I love reading it, Luke!
Meriadoc - December 18, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) DKTOS, but I wish I did as this looks quite impressive.
Peregrin - December 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Interesting stuff, Luke/Jake
Claude Prez - December 18, 2004 - Report this comment
What Rick said.
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - December 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks all!

ARWEN: So why won't you come around for dinner on Friday? This is the fourth time! *sob*

CLAUDE: What Jake said.
Jeff Reuben - December 19, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm so glad to have joined the club!
Paul Robinson - December 19, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC W) Afraid it's a DKTOS OS for me and I don't know too much "Harry Potter" stuff either...but you obviously did a lot of work and in the read I noticed a lot of very clever wordplay...
Kristof Robertson - December 20, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC-W) DKTOS, Luke, but a great concept and fine read. I'll trust your pacing..555
Agrimorfee - December 01, 2005 - Report this comment
(HP CONTEST) Everything above still applies!
Tim Mayfield - December 05, 2005 - Report this comment
(HP) Reminds me of before the first movie came out, a 40 year old man was hanging out in the 31 flavors, who apparently carries Harry Potter books with him everywhere he goes, was elaborating on the expectation of the upcoming movie (quite loudly too). He was all hyped up with nowhere to go. Fabulous job of capturing that emotional vibe.
Jeff Reuben - December 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(HP) Brilliantly done to a tough song, and I get much more out of it now that I've read the books!
2nz - December 09, 2005 - Report this comment
"I'm just playing now" Nice one, Luke. That's hilarious for all the Potter geeks who survived the verbal beating they took during the parody. Tough love. Anyhow, written like an epic story of geek-dom surrounding the Potter universe.

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