-> "White Christmas (Politically Correct)"
Original Song Title:
"White Christmas"
(MP3)
Parody Song Title:
"White Christmas (Politically Correct)"
The Lyrics
How would you all on Amiright enjoy a nice holiday tune?
*Censor*
Excuse me, but I am with Standards & Practices. I have been assigned to make sure your performance is politically correct and doesn’t offend anybody. And I will buzz you if you do.
*Singer*
Okay…?
[Music begins]
I'm dreaming--
[Buzz]
[Music stops]
*Censor*
No, you mustn’t! Think of all the people suffering from sleep disorders. Sleep apnea. Insomnia. Sleepwalking. You must change it to something less biased.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a white--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Absolutely not! Not everybody in the world is of Anglo-Saxon origin. Think of those who are of African, Asian, Hawaiian, Hispanic, or Latin origin. And that’s just scratching the surface!
*Singer*
But the snow is white!
*Censor*
Not my problem.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous Christmas--
*Censor*
Stop what you’re doing right now! Christmas was created to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ.
*Singer*
Here we go again.
*Censor*
What about Atheists? Jews? Agnostics? Muslims? Mormons?
*Singer*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the ones--
[Buzz]
Oh, what now?!
*Censor*
“The ones” could be seen as racist or discriminatory because it assumes you are not “one of them.” Are you familiar with the term, “You people?”
*Singer*
Oh, come on!
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to know--
[Buzz]
What’s wrong with “know?”
*Censor*
Have you not heard of Alzheimer’s? You don’t want to offend people suffering from that disorder.
*Singer*
Hell, they’ll forget what offended them!
[The censor is not amused]
*Censor*
Proceed.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children listen--
[Buzz]
Oh, right! Some people are deaf or hard of hearing. Grrr! What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Obey.”
*Singer*
But that doesn’t make any sense in this context. (Sigh)
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To hear --
[Buzz]
--experience sleigh--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
No! We must not make any overt or direct references to Santa Claus.
*Singer*
Who the f**k else has a sleigh?!
[Silence. Crickets. A man coughs. A tumbleweed rolls by.]
Damn.
*Censor*
From the top.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the snow--
[Buzz]
Dammit, what now?!
*Censor*
“Snow” is a reference to the drug cocaine. We don’t want to encourage illegal drugs.
*Singer*
“Snow” is “water vapor frozen into ice crystals and falling in light white flakes or lying on the ground as a white layer.”
*Censor*
I don’t care; we mustn’t promote illicit substances. Especially illegal ones.
*Singer*
What about pot? Pot’s legal in a few states.
*Censor*
You win.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Chris-- holiday card I--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Close. Oh so close. “Holiday” literally means “Holy day.” We must not offend nonbelievers, now.
*Singer*
Let’s just pick up from the second verse. Save us time and trouble.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every Hallmark card--
[Buzz]
*Censor*
Not just any Hallmark card. A “nonspecific” Hallmark card.
*Singer*
Grr!
[Music resumes]
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I write--
*Censor*
Absolutely not!
*Singer*
Type? Use your phone? Tablet? Fax machine? Do they still have those?
*Censor*
“Write” could be misconstrued as “right,” as in “right-wing.” We certainly don’t want to align ourselves with Donald Trump.
*Singer*
I’d rather vote for Kanye West, too, but come on! Anyone who misinterprets the lyrics that badly has… a s**tload of problems.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be merry--
[Buzz]
Happy?
*Censor*
Roughly 350 million people suffer from depression.
*Singer*
Make that 350,000,001. We’ll never make it through this damn song because everything has to be so damn politically correct. What do you suggest?
*Censor*
“Non-mood specific.”
*Singer*
Makes sense.
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and bright--
[Buzz]
*Singer*
Am I offending shadows?
*Censor*
“Bright” could be interpreted as favoring people with Anglo-Saxon skin color.
*Singer*
Give me a f**king break! What do you suggest? “Chromatically ambiguous?”
*Censor*
That might be psychologically disturbed enough to work.
*Singer*
I can’t remember where we left off. Can we start from the beginning again?
[Music resumes]
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
Just like the racially ambiguous secular observances I used to experience
Where the treetops glisten and children obey
To experience bicycle bells in the legalized pot
I'm using a sleep aid to dream of a racially ambiguous secular observance
With every nonspecific Hallmark card I left
May your days be non-mood specific and chromatically ambiguous
And may all your secular observances be racially ambiguous
*Censor*
You’ve still got two more verses.
*Singer*
I give up! Let’s sing “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” Oops, I mean, “Rudolph the Communist Nosed Reindeer.”
*Censor*
You mean, “Rudolph the Native American Nosed Reindeer.” We mustn’t promote communism.
*Singer*
You already do.
Your Vote & Comment Counts
The parody authors spend a lot of time writing parodies for the website and they
appreciate feedback in the form of votes and comments. Please take some time to
leave a comment below about this parody.
|
|
Voting Results
|
Pacing: | 4.5 | |
How Funny: | 4.7 | |
Overall Rating: | 4.7 | |
|
Total Votes: | 29 |
|
Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| | | | Pacing | | | How Funny | | | Overall Rating | |
| 1 | | 1 | |
| 0 | |
| 0 | |
|
| 2 | | 1 | |
| 1 | |
| 1 | |
|
| 3 | | 3 | |
| 2 | |
| 2 | |
|
| 4 | | 2 | |
| 2 | |
| 1 | |
|
| 5 | | 22 | |
| 24 | |
| 25 | |
|