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Song Parodies -> "The Raven (Shortened Version)"

Original Song Title:

"The Raven"

Original Performer:

Edgar Allan Poe

Parody Song Title:

"The Raven (Shortened Version)"

Parody Written by:

Robert D. Arndt Jr.

The Lyrics

This parody concerns the Nazi Raven doomsday device that the SS was working on in Spring 1945 in Prague at a site codenamed Amerika. The device was a massive drill loaded with uranium and red mercury meant to reach the earth's core and detonate. This would theoretically cause the core to split and destroy at least half of the world. There is little more information, so I shortened Poe's poem by 1/3rd. The scenario is hypothetical and not based on any conversation between Hitler and Himmler; in fact, Hitler did not even authorize the Raven like so many other SS weapons!!!
Once upon a world war dreary, Hitler pondered, sick and weary,
Over many secret and devious volumes of stock weapons stores—
While he plotted, close to snapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
It was Himmler gently rapping, rapping at his bunker door
“That chicken farmer,” he muttered, “tapping at my bunker door—
the SS and nothing more”

Ah, distinctly he remembered his last gamble in December;
Did quite well in the foul weather in this last stage of the war
Eagerly he wished tomorrow;—vainly, he held in the sorrow
His “white hopes” upon to borrow—borrow for the lost world war—
For the strange and delayed weapons with which to fight the coming horde—
This, his fear... right at the door!!!

All the golden, mad, uncertain programs that were ReichsMark burstin'
Nazi—V-Things of fantastic terrors never launched before;
Yet somehow, his vast Reich coming apart, he stood repeating
“’Tis just Himmler's self-serving interests at my bunker door—
Black Inquisitor's self-serving interests at my bunker door;—
the SS and nothing more”

Since '43, his soul grew weaker; and yet still he WAS the Fuhrer,
“Enter” said he, with shaking hand, “state your business and report!”
Uniformed in black so snappy; bespectacled, he seemed so happy,
While the Fuhrer had been mapping, mapping out flight corridors
“Did you come to bring me good news—so much better than before?—
Just report and nothing more..."

Deep into void darkness peering, long he stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no German ever dared to dream before;
But the words Himmler had spoken, left the Fuhrer feeling broken,
'Cause the only words there spoken was of forced labor, “needed more!!!”
Mighty Himmler, self-fancied Drighton Warlord, “needed more?!?”—
Merely this and nothing more... ???

Frantic pacing, stomach turning, all his soul within was burning,
Soon again they heard him screaming somewhat louder than before
Let me know, then, what Die Waffe is, with no mystery as before—
(Speer's talk of “Flying Tops” and “Death Rays” Hitler was unsure)—
Now only VICTORY and NOTHING more!!!”

Only one word Himmler muttered, when he said it Hitler shuddered,
'Twas the doomsday waffe Raven that would detonate the core;
Only a single ref made he; plus need of labor and of speed;
But, despite insanity, gave he the resources to absorb—
Himmler thus departed and exited the bunker door—
Hitler stood shaken, and nothing more

Thoughts of the “Schwarzvogel” drilling gave Hitler an odd feeling,
Faced the grave with utter furor and of the Raven he thus swore,
“Though my best be torn and beaten, you,” he said, our greatest weapon,
Ghastly grim and Aryan Raven fashioned from the SS forge—
Uranium Bombe, dreaded nightmare, no surrender as when before”
With the Raven- “Nevermore!!!”

Hitler marveled- this ungodly fowl- world death planned insanely,
Though HIS answer, little meaning—fate that Germany bore;
For he could not help agreeing that no living German being
Ever yet would be so blessed in seeing what the Raven had in store—
For the enemies of Germany striking from land, the air, or shore,
… surrender??? “Nevermore!!!”

But the Raven, sitting in a mineshaft- priority a must, was only
Absurd... as if a solitary weapon could win this long lost war
Nothing farther than components—and some diesels from some U-boats—
Were assembled in the mineshaft, uranium and mercury thus stored—
Oh, how Himmler had deceived thee, Kammler held “The Bell” and more
In Ju-390, to a distant shore

Startled by the promise broken, 11th hour miracle verboten,
“Hopeless,” said Hitler, “still advancing is the menacing Red horde
Walther took the unhappy master, saved from unmerciful disaster
Eva first and then the Fuhrer on the couch and on the floor—
Then the flames of burning bodies spewing smoke in the outdoors
Of the Raven—nothing more...

But the Raven still beguiling, has historians still wondering
In Prague they started digging searching for the bird, the shaft explored;
No, they cannot help thinking, how close the weapon was to drilling
A Nazi fantasy, thinking the Raven could burst the core—
With this giant, ungainly, drill filled with uranium and mercury galore
Add it to the Nazi lore....

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 27

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   1
 3   1
 4   0
 5   24

User Comments

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Phil Alexander - September 30, 2014 - Report this comment
This is outstanding stuff - ideal choice of OS (well, I guess it's an "OP"), given the name of the device. Rhyme & meter are so much better at the start than the end, though.
Patrick - September 30, 2014 - Report this comment
Hard to imagine even Himmler wishing to crack the core of the earth in half.
Rob Arndt - September 30, 2014 - Report this comment
Himmler, unlike Hitler, wanted to build a underground empire impervious to bombing with the old order worship of Norse Gods and the Black Sun of the Inner Earth through his religious order over which he presided at Wewelsburg. He fancied himself one of the old Drighton Warlords and believed that HE actually ran the Reich through his SS, Waffen SS, SD, Gestapo, and other SS organizations. Hitler only directed foreign policy and got the people brainwashed into believing in ultimate victory even at the 11th hour through miracle weapons. I think Himmler realized how short Germany was after the July 20th bomb plot when the SS was handed power to control all of Germany's top secret weapons under SS General Kammler. The rockets in development were too slow, the ICBM A-9/A-10 combo only testing the upper stage A-9 (A-4b winged "bastard"), the Prufstand XII launch containers only 65% complete at Stettin, a 92 ft tall cluster rocket only tested once, and the critical warhead types (radiological, atomic, liquid-air and coal dust, etc...) were all prototypes or theoretical in the case of Karl Nowak's "Molecular Bomb." The Luftwaffe had no bomber to carry any superbomb to NYC unless they modified a Ju-390 or used a Bv-222 refueled at sea by U-boat. The He-177 just couldn't deliver it and the Me-264 was cancelled. The He-274 was sabotaged in France as was the Ju-488. The strategic Ho-XVIII flying wing was authorized in March 1945 and only the tubular steel center section was nearing completion. German disc protoytpes could carry NO ORDNANCE due to instability and the craft's strange magnetic field shifting for flight. Kammler instead pumped all SS resources into the Bell Device which is still debated. It was either a superbomb itself filled with radioactive materials including red mercury antimony OR an attempt at time travel through EM torsion field; regardless it was NOT an X-ray centrifuge as the US now claims. It would have a pilot and had angrav properties. it had to be tethered b/c it levitated. Many believe that the sanskrit markings mixed with other occult symbols at its bottom were there b/c the SS was trying to build a modern Vimana craft powered by mercury as the ancient texts reveal (that mystery still not solved)!!! Food for thought...

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