Way back when I was just a little boy living in a closet somewhere around in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jimmy's Paint Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!!!
Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol' plate of corn beef for breakfast.
Awww!! Big plate of corn beef! Every single mornin'!

It was driving me crazy. I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the corn beef?"
And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at anoncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!"
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force fed me nothing but corn beef until I was just about 23 years old.

That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that
basement and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is
always shining and the air smells like cold Red Bull, and the towels
are oh so fluffy! Where the brotherless little girls needed brothers badly, and sacrifices of all kinds gladly become much successful
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream
came true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this
contest to see who could correctly guess the number of fighters in Capcom Versus SNK. I just said 33, so I still won the grand
prize. That's right, a first class, one-way ticket...
to Sacramento!
Sacramento!

Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two boys wearing blue denim long skirts. And the little kid behind me kept coughing at me without covering his mouth. The flight
attendants ran out of Mountain Dew and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bioman, a Super Sentai... and, oh yeah, three of the
airplane engines burned out, and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Now I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my PS2 with a Capcom vs. SNK 2 game. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can store your grenades on the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're
clean.

Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's
some full-grown Prairie Dawn wannabe complete with pink skin and no nose. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my room, and he grabs my CVS2, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have that! That game is always mine, I've been looked forward to having it for a long time!"
And she's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "Okay!"
So I grabbed her blond hair and she grabbed my arm, and I poke her in the eyes and she kick me in the crotch, then she executes a piledriver against me, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all, her mom showed up. And the mom told the pink-skinned woman to stop fighting then she says...

I heard the Sacramento Kings go up against Las Vegas Clippers
If you want to go there, you must go to Arco Arena
The game where Sacramento Kings go up against Las Vegas Clippers
If you'd like to go there, you must go to Arco Arena
In Sacramento!
Sacramento!

Well, to cut a long story short, she gave up so I got my CVS2 game, although I would not
sleep for an instant, until the Prairie Dawn knockoff was brought to
justice. But first, I decided to buy some drink. So I got in my car,
and I drove over to the 11-7, and I walked on up to the guy behind
the counter and he says, "Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any Red Bull Calcium?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta Red Bull Calcium."
I say, "Well, you got any Rockstar Green Scream?"
He said, "No, we're outta Rockstar Green Scream."
I said, "You got any Prairie Dawnamite?"
He said, "No, we're outta Prairie Dawnamite."
I said, "You got any Adrenaline Rush?"
He said, "No, we're outta Adrenaline Rush!"
I said, "You got any Empty Hassle?"
He said, "No, we're outta Empty Hassle!"
I said, "You got any Red Frog?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."

"No, we're outta Red Frog!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this case of six Shave-And-No-Haircut energy drinks."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the case, and drank a can of the energy drink, a couple minutes later, I looked in the rear view mirror of my car and I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head. I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! How come my hair is all gone? Hey, wait a minute, almost all of my hair is goooooooooooooone!

But as luck would have it, that's exactly when I saw the girl of my dreams, who was staring at me screaming in my head because of my hair loss. Her name was Hildegard. She was working at some bar as a bouncer, and she has black hair and her favorite color was minty green. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me.
She said, "Hey, you're reminded me of some bad boy who's being disrespectful to most others."
Now that's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we ate together, we bathed together, although my hair grows out more often. So we got married, and we bought us a house and had one beautiful child, named nothing but Doris. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah. But then, one fateful night, Hildegard said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna go see Avenged Sevenfold in concert?" I said, "Woah! That's the band I liked, baby! Now I'll be ready for that kind of a commitment!"
I still believed in Hildegard's likes since she joined the Avenged Sevenfold fan club. Even that's the way things go...
In Sacramento!
Sacramento!

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at Capcom! I even made employee of the month after I've successfully worked on Capcom Versus. SNK 3, complete with a public-relationship plot against CVS/pharmacy's name because the fighters of Capcom and SNK get so angry in the story. Everybody was pretty jealous of me after that. I do have lots of attitude.
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of
saying it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE CORN BEEF!!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you
happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of
fear, loathing and self-doubt, writhed in pain and isolation of your
almost meaningness existence, at least you can take a small bit of
comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours, there's still an average place
Called Sacramento!
Sacramento!

I said S! (S!)
A! (A!)
C! (C!)
R! (R!)
A! (A!)
mento! (mento!)
(Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento)
(Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento)
(Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento)
(Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento, Sacramento)
Sac... ramento!