(Wrong turn at) Albuquerque
Way back when I was a little bitty rabbit living in hole in the meadow in the corner of the countryside a half a mile down the road from Elmer's Hunting Lodge... you know the place...
Well, anyway, life was going swell and everything was just PEACHY!
Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning, I'd get up and take a nice long shower in the waterfall before breakfast.
Ahh, nice long shower!
Every single morning!
I was just loving it!
But this guy comes up to me and says "hey! Bugs! What's with all the singing?"
And of course I just sat there and stared at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And I leaned right down next to him and I said... "It's good for me!"
So then he tied me to the ground and stuck a musket in my face and said stuff like "I'm gonna get you, you wascawy wabbit! Huh huh uh!
That's when I swore that one day, one day I'd get out of there, and travel to a magical far away place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like fresh, warm carrots, and the towels are oh, so fluffy! Where the hunters and the mammals play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly tell you what is up, doc!
Aww, wakka wakka doo doo yah!
Well, it wasn't long until my dream came true because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to see who could the most carrots in under an hour. I ate 4002, but I still won the grand prize. That's right a first class one way ticket... to-
You know I had never been on a real airplane before you and I gotta say it was really swell... Except I had to sit between to large opera singing women with excruciatingly severe body odor, and the cowboy in the back of me kept shooting at me the whole time, the flight attendants had no carrots or soda water, and the in-flight movie was "Star Trek III with William Shatner"...
Oh yah and three of the airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died!
Except for me...
You know why?
Cus' I had my tray table up, and my seat back in the full upright position (Doc)
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up and my seat back in the full upright position
Aha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ohh...
So I dug through he twisted burning wreckage
I dug through the rock hard ground for three whole days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my carrot stash and my rabbit wardrobe and my 16 ton anvil and my lucky, lucky glow in the dark carrot case...
That's when I should have arrived at the world famous...
Albuquerque Holiday Inn!
Where the towels are oh, so fluffy! And you can eat your carrot soup outta the trash can if you wanna - Its okay, they're clean.
But there was no Albuquerque and there was no hotel and there were no trash cans even.
And I was about to eat a big juicy carrot when I hear a pistol shot!
I said who is it?
Who is it?
WHO IS IT!
They're not saying anything!
So finally I come out of the ground and look up and it's just as I suspected - It's some big black duck guy with a flock of seagulls flying past and a detachable beak - Aww, man I hate it when I'm right.
So he bursts into my hole and he grabs my lucky carrot case and said "Hey! You can't have that! That carrot case has been just like a carrot case to me!"
And he's like "Tough!"
And I'm like "Give it!"
And he's like "Rabbit season!"
And I'm like "O.K.!"
So I grabbed his head and he grabbed my rabbit ears and I bit off his tail and he chewed off my toenails and I took out his pancreas and he gave me a colonic irrigation yes indeed you better believe it!
And some how in the middle of it all, my phone got knocked off the hook, and twenty seconds later I hear a familiar voice. You know what I said? I'll tell you what it said! It said -
If you think that you are lost, please hang up and find a map! If you need help you probably took a wrong turn!
If you think that you are lost, please hang up and find a map! If you need help you probably took a wrong turn -
Well, to make a long story short, it was rabbit season. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant, until it finally became duck season...
But first I decided to buy some carrots. So I got in my car and I went over to the carrot shop and I go on up to the guy behind the counter and he says "Yah, whaddya want?!"
I said "you got any glazed carrots?"
He said "No, we're outta lazed carrots!"
I said "You got any jelly carrots?"
He said "No, we're outta jelly carrots!"
I said "you got any Bovarian crème-filled carrots?"
He said "No. we're outta Bovarian crème-filled carrots!"
I said "You got any cinnamon carrots?"
He said "No, we're outta cinnamon carrots!"
I said "You got any carrot fritters?"
He said "No, we're outta carrot fritters!"
I said "You got any Carrot claws?"
He said "... Wait a minute - I'll go check"
"No! We're outta carrot claws!"
I said "In that case... In that case what do you have?"
He said "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed man-eating sharks..."
"Okay, I'll take that..."
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the sharks immediately jump out of the box and latch onto my face and start biting me all over! Arngh narngh! Rargh narngh nargnhing! Aww, they were just going nuts! They were tearing me apart.
You know, I think it's about that time that a little ditty started going through my head...
I think it went a little something like this...
Doc!! Get 'em off me! DOC! Oh my Doc! Oh my - Oh my Doc! Ahh! Oh my - Get 'em off me! AHHHHHHHHH!
I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels on my face, waving my arms and just runnin' runnin' runnin' like a huge red hairy monster.
And as luck would have it, that's when I ran into the girl of my dreams...
Her name was Lola...
She was a basketball enthusiast with a slight under bite and hair the color of unstrained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey... You got sharks al over you're face!"
That's when I knew it was true love! We were inseparable after that! Aww, we ate together we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of carrot flavored dental floss...
The world was our carrot casserole.
So we got married and we bought us a hole and had to beautiful bunnies, Nathaniel and Super-Doc. Oh, we were so very, very happy, aww yah.
But then one fateful night, Lola said to me, she said "Carrot Cake, do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"
I said "Whoa! Hold on know baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!
So we broke up and I never saw her again, but I'm sure that it wouldn't have happened...
Well, things started really looking up for me because about a week later, I finally achieved my life long dream...
That's right, I got me a part time job as a pirate! I even made "Swashbuckling of the Month" after I held up the main mast with my face - Aww, yah people were pretty jealous of me after that.
OK, like one time, I was on the mid deck trying to remove some yucky carrot stuff from in between my teeth, when I see this guy Rustle-'em-up Rob, trying to carry a big old cannon up the stairs by himself.
So I say to myself, I say "Hey Rob! Do you want me to help you with that?"
And Rob he just rolls his eyes and says "NOOooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a rusty cutlass...
So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me and says "Hey man! I was just being sarcastic!"
Well, that's just great =- How was I supposed to know that? I'm not mind reader, for crying out loud! Besides, now he's got a really cool nickname - Torso-Rob! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. A guy comes up to me on the street and tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days.
Now, I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, my dog took a big bite out of his jugular vein!
And he's rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding and screaming "Yahh! Ahhh! Rabbit season! Yah!!" And I'm like "Hey, c'mon, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around, bleeding and screaming "Yahh! Ahhh! Duck season! Now fire!" just completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Some people just can't take a joke, you know?
So anyway... umm... uhh... Kind of lost my train of thought... Well anyway, I know this is kind of a roundabout way of saying this but I guess all I'm trying to say here is -
And that's all I'm really trying to say.
And by the way, if you ever happen to wake up in an existential quandering, full of madmen and viwains, er, villains, art least you can take a small bit of comfort in know that even thought I took a wrong turn there, there is still a little place...
I said A! (A!)