Well this is queer now, baby
It's just limp with shame
Guess I will use my finger
Cause I think I might have a sprain

Thought it was made to do it
Guess I'll put pills in my mouth
Problems in my private quarters
My love-making thing's heading south
This I mind, yes, I'm not fond
When I fluff, I just want a working schlong

Cause my rod, it only dangles
Wish that it would work just fine
But my rod, it only dangles
So I can't have fun tonight

Talked on the phone, read some books, babe
Cause I need a pick up for my wood
It's been a while since I made her smile
Hangin' round like this ain't good

Now my lever swings like in a doorway
Can't have a lovefest with a broken pole
Naked twister gives me blisters
Libido never looked so low

This I mind, yes, I'm not fond
Wish it'd stop, cause now it isn't long
It bends like a rope
And it's out of shape
Oh my love!
It's not okay to me
This love
without a Christmas Tree
The next... minute... you're feeling confused
When the Playboy Network is less fun than news

My rod, it only dangles
Wish that it would work just fine
Cause my rod, it only dangles
Where do I go?
Really don't know....

Junior never let me down
You know, Junior used to help me to score
Then I put Junior out of business
Now it's hard to get in the door (dammit)

When I fluff, I just want a working schlong
But I guess... there was something that went wrong
My rod, it only dangles
Sure could use it here right now
But my rod, it only dangles

(sound of awkward movement, and mumbling while backup singers are chanting "Where did it go?")