Toilet paper
Soft and always showing poop
Who's best and who's number two
Can't live without you, that would stink
You've always
You've always done your job, you're on a roll
Make my unholy hole unwhole
You make it feel
Like Michael Jackson, let's get freaky, turn everything
From brown to white

I'll tell you now
Life is a bitch without you
I used a leaf
Why does it itch? Did I use
Poison ivy?
How do I ever, ever wipe?
How do I, how do I, oh how do I sh**?

Fiber, I'm
Full of crap and eggular
You make me feel regular
(Like I'm not weird or crazy)
Oh you
You cut the crap like Simon Cowel
You started a movement, B. O. W. E. L.
(It stands for the
Butt Out! Waste Elimination League)
So good in my diet

And tell me now
When do I sh** without you?
Sat hours on the bowl
Can't I excrete without you?
Will I ever go?
How does poop ever, ever take flight?
When do I, when do I, oh when do I sh**?

My toilet, baby
Who do I sit on?
Am I your pet peeve?
Baby, after work I will run to you
And you'll put up with me
And all my crap, I need you, you're everything
Will you be my wife?

And tell me now
Where do I sh** without you?
Behind a tree?
How would Earth be without you
Pretty sh***y
How does poop ever, ever dive?
Where do I, where do I, oh where do I sh**?