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Song Parodies -> "Praised Be Quetzalcoatl(Then Kiss You Aztec Goodby"

Original Song Title:

"Message In A Bottle"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

The Police

Parody Song Title:

"Praised Be Quetzalcoatl(Then Kiss You Aztec Goodby"

Parody Written by:

Paul Robinson

The Lyrics

A little history lesson here, if you will bear with me, derived from my research and then strained and filtered through my perceptive faculties. The Aztecs originated from a place called Aztlan, somewhere in the northern part of Mexico. They became nomadic wanderers living on the margins of civilized Mesoamerica. Sometime in the 12th century their wandering led them on a journey that by the 13th century left them settled in the central basin of México. Continually dislodged by the small city-states that fought one another in shifting alliances, the Aztecs finally found refuge on small islands in Lake Texcoco where, in 1325, they founded the town of TENOCHTITLAN (modern-day Mexico City). Life got good for the Aztecs in Tenochtitlan, and the ancient Aztec culture thrived until the arrival of the Spanish explorer, Hernan Cortes, in 1519. Guns and diseases (not to be confused with the 20th century rock group, “Guns & Roses”), Spanish greed & guile and some rather bad judgment calls by Aztec leader Montezuma pretty much decimated the Aztecs and on August 31, 1521 the Aztec capital Tenochtitlan was finally destroyed. The final attack was led by the Spaniards who had 400 men with 150,000 native allies. Yeah, the Aztecs made a few enemies over the years...stuff happens, ya' know? Anyway, Quetzalcoatl was one of the main “Gods” of this culture. Legend has it that Quetzalcoatl and his twin brother Xolotl, descended to hell and retrieved human bones. Then “Quetzel” dripped his blood onto ‘dem' bones and human resurrection began. Pretty good stuff so far, huh? Men therefore, are the children of Quetzalcoatl, so he was always presented as benevolent. Hey, why not - he taught men science and the calendar and devised ceremonies. He discovered corn, and all good aspects of civilization. Wow! Whatta Guy, Whatta Culture...BUT...as much as I'd like to sympathize with their plight, I really wouldn't want to be held to their Religion, either, becuz...They took the gifts of their Gods very seriously and so the existence of the Gods and their goodwill were maintained by offering up the most valuable human possession, life...bummer....so, this then, was the origin of human sacrifice and the ritual of bearing intense physical pain, which believers intentionally caused themselves. This belief is thought to be the point of origination of most of today's “Self-Help” books and publications...Yeah, this was a long intro, I hope it was worth your time in reading it...
In our sunny land
tried to live in peace, oh
to our Gods we pray
the ones who make us be so
Give us rain and sun
and the food we eat
When we pray to them it makes us feel complete, so

I give this blessing addressed to you
Sending this blessing addressed to you
I hope my God receives this
I hope that he believes this
I hope he will accept my
Praise to Quetzalcoatl; Praise
Praised be Quetzalcoatl; Pray

Big ships come; white men land from these boats
Guns and diseases; they tear us apart
Quetzalcoatl, protect us from them
Drive them from these shores
I pray with all my heart

Oh, “Quetz”, I crave your blessings; please
Make Spaniards stop oppressing; Jeez
This is quite so distressing
So tired of acquiescing
We pray you'll be addressing
Help us, Quetzalcoatl; Say
praised be, Quetzalcoatl; Praise
Praise to Quetzalcoatl; Pray
Help us, Quetzalcoatl; Hey

Now we're in mourning
because our culture we've lost
No more Quetzalcoatl
Priests say, “Jesus is Boss”
Holy crap, I find myself so confused
Please put yourself in my place
You won't be amused

Oh, Quetzalcoatl; who we have blessed
Oh God, please extract us from this mess
I hope you hear my blessing
This matter's rather pressing
I pray you'll be addressing
Save us, Quetzalcoatl; Say
praise to Quetzalcoatl; Praise
Praised be Quetzalcoatl; Pray
Help us, Quetzalcoatl; Hey

Please extract us from this mess
‘Cause we are in deep distress
This new God; I'm not impressed
Situation; please address

~ ~ ~ (Repeat in preferred variation to fade) ~ ~ ~

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

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 2   0
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 3   1
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 4   0
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 5   12
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Adagio - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Someone did their homework! : D Everybody's got a history lesson lately. This was very good, Paul...even though I was swiss cheese on the choruses. 5's
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, Pat...it was interesting looking into this...there was so much more that I found fascinating, but...the intro would have run into pages if I tried to include it.
Jeff Reuben - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
I had to read this just to find out what Quetzalcoatl was. Nice lesson Professor Robinson!
Meriadoc - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Wonderful job Paul! Wasn't there an Aztec maiden who was sleeping with Cortez and ultimately led him and his soldiers thru the reeds into the city, therefore betraying her people? (I guess Cortez had a big one - heh heh...).
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Jeff - Thank you,! Mer - I didn't get that far in my research...rats! Now I have to go back and look for the really juicy parts I might have missed...you know, an amazing part of the story is "Montezuma's Misjudgment"...when the Spanish landed he mistakenly thought THEY were Gods...and promptly organized a ceremony and laid a WHOLE bunch of gold on them as tribute...Cortes, cruel, greedy, ruthless...but no dummy, figured..."Jesus, they must have a lot of gold here"...and he was right...Isn't it funny how after a bit more than 2 centuries of dominating their part of the world the Aztecs would end with a leader who would screw things up so badly that they would be "kaput" shortly thereafter? Boy, sure glad that can't happen to us...no decline in the quality of leadership here, nope...
Know 1 can hear you dream - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
It was about time that culture of corn had a tribute song with words, so far they've had only one without, that old synth opus "popcorn"... :-)
Know 1 can hear you dream - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Here's another thing to look for in your further research; wasn't it the Aztecs that thought that history repeated itself in 250 (256?) year circles and that the world would end in 2012 (converted to Christian counting)?
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Know 1 - Good questions...gonna make me go back to school on this one, eh? You know, the Aztecs didn't write much of anything down...I didn't read anything yet about these time-cycles...maybe it was the Inca's?
alvin rhodes - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
the parody lived up to the great title...i'm impressed
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, alvin! Glad you liked it...
Tim Mayfield - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
The Mayans believed in a great cycle that lasted 5125 years that ends in 2012. They also believed time repeats itself in cycles, they devised a 260-day ritual calendar and a 365-day solar calendar.
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, Tim...wow! 5125 years...that's a helluva "spin-cycle"...But - what did they think would happen in 2012? Elections cancelled and Queen Jenna "I" annointed? That would be quite a call...
Stuart McArthur - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
I hope, in a trivia comp, in a time not far away, they ask who Quetzalcoatl was - 555 Paul
Paul Rrobinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Stu - just leave off the part about the "Self-Help" books...that was speculation on my part...thanks!
Tim Mayfield - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
The interesting thing is that the start date of this 5125 year cycle is 3113 B.C. (reversed thirteen and forward thirteen) plus the cycle is composed of multiplications of 20, a multiplication of 18, and a multiplication of 13. The 260-day ritual cycle is thirteen 20's. The final date in 2012, is December 21st, a winter solstice. The great cycle is roughly 20 X 20 X 13. Also, 3113 B.C. is about the time of Egypt's 1st Dynasty. Whereas the Mayans were first known about 250 A.D.
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Tim...HUH???Wait...now you've roped me in...so...we're talking 20 year cycle + 18 years cycles + 13 year cycles...ok...so is it 150 cycles of 20-years (150 x 20 = 3,000) 100 cycles of 18 years (100 x 18 =1,800) and 25 cycles of 13-years (25 x 13 = 325)...3,000 + 1,800 + 325 = 5,125? Or am I whistling in Montezuma's thinking room?
MrMacphisto - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Good one, Paul... You're starting to do songs I actually know.... ;-)
Adagio - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Why do I think of cicadas when you all talk cycles?
Paul Robinson - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, Macphisto...and you might know the next one I'm planning (hoping, at least) to post for tomorrow...just maybe...Adagio..."cicadas" or just "sick-o-this"??
Stuart McArthur - February 15, 2005 - Report this comment
gotcha, Paul ;-)
Phil Alexander - February 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Brilliant, Paul.
Paul Robinson - February 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks, Phil!
Tim Mayfield - February 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Paul, well I did simplify it a bit, the conversion from 360 day cycle to our 365.25 day year messes up the numbers a bit.
20 days * 18 = 360 days
360 * 20 * 20 = 144,000 days or 1 baktun
13 baktuns = 1,872,000 days or 5125 years (using 365.25 days for a year)
At this end date, their baktun calendar starts over at zero.
When Cortes landed on the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico it was Good Friday in 1519, Quetzalcoatl's birthday. Montezuma is quoted to have said that Cortez's arrival was foretold because Cortez was believed to be Quetzalcoatl in the flesh.
Paul Robinson - February 17, 2005 - Report this comment
Ah...thanks, Tim...NOW it all makes sense...Hmmm....turned out not to have a been a particularly "Good" Friday for the Aztecs...hmmm(again)...sounds like Montezuma might be a descendant of President Bush, aka..."Gointahscrueyah"...they seem to share the same judgmental qualities...
Tim Mayfield - February 17, 2005 - Report this comment
Paul, again, I might add a small bit of trivia.
Because Cortes lands on a day specified in the ancient writings, because he is dressed in black, because his armor is silver in color, a certain ugliness of the strangers taken as a group-for these reasons, Montezuma considers Cortes to be Quetzalcoatl, the great god who left Mexico many years before, on a raft of snakes, vowing to return. Quetzalcoatl, usually depicted as the feathered serpent, was the God whose return was foretold to result in the destruction of the Aztec empire, as Quetzalcoatl would be returning to claim his kingdom. The Aztec people actually threw stones at Montezuma when Cortez tried to pacify them with a speach from their emporer after 600 noble Aztecs were butchered by the Spaniards during a time of Cortez's absence.
Paul Robinson - February 20, 2005 - Report this comment
Tim, Thanks! Yeah, I had read that "Monte" made that rather bad identity error...all I can say about that is "Whatta Dope"...thanks for the info.

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