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Song Parodies -> "Mr. Tombstone"

Original Song Title:

"Mr. Brownstone"

Original Performer:

Guns & Roses

Parody Song Title:

"Mr. Tombstone"

Parody Written by:

Dennis

The Lyrics

My blood-glucose meter is shaped like a Tombstone, and between that and shooting insulin, I *feel* like a Junkie. After all, Junkies supposedly say they *need* the stuff to live... I recall going into the bathrooms at school just before meals, wondering if I'd be mistaken for a *real* drug addict. No matter that I have chronic pancreatitis which causes diabetes - and makes me feel sick and tired most of the time. All Junkies give such excuses, and I'm no different. Comments are in (***), and are spoken in a sneering undertone of acusatory nature, as is appropriate for those who see themselves ready and able to render judgement.
Mr. Tombstone.

I used to get up in the morning,
And go to bed at night,
Sleep like a log and eat like a hog,
Worry? I didn't have the time!
School would start really early,
I'd quit when I could find the time,
Work all day, sometimes all night,
Deadlines looming, never ending..

I've been jabbed by Mr. Tombstone, (1)
He's ratted me out,
He won't leave me alone!
No! No! No!!! He won't leave me alone!

I used to watch my diet but diet wouldn't do it,
So I ate less and less,
I just keep trying not to feel so sick, (Get that A1c down, bhoy) (2)
Not so sick as before,
I used to watch my diet but diet wouldn't do it,
So I ate less and less,
I just keep trying not to feel so sick, (lose weight, fool) (2)
Not so sick as before.

I've been jabbed by Mr. Tombstone,
His numbers don't lie,
He won't leave me alone!
No! No! No!!! He won't leave me alone!

Now I go to bed whenever,
My blood sugar feels inclined,
I sleep whenever my fatigue grows,
That little meter is a little #$%^,
I have to listen - it's my life-line.

I used to watch my diet but diet wouldn't do it,
So I ate less and less,
I just keep trying not to feel so sick, (It's perfectly simple...) (3)
Not so sick as before,
I used to watch my diet but diet wouldn't do it,
So I ate less and less,
I just keep trying not to feel so sick,
(you chose to get sick, fool. Now quit yer bitchin' and die already) (4)
Not so sick as before.

I've been jabbed by Mr. Tombstone,
Like a curse I've bought and paid for,
He won't leave me alone!
No! No! No!!! He won't leave me alone!

Don't got no bindle,
Still shoot it - Leg, arm, or middle,
Hypoglycemia wrecks my mind,
Can't do better -
And no, I can't leave it all behind.

(and everyone says I got it because I *don't* drink. Yowsa.)

1) Those lancets HURT! 2) If one heeds the blaring infomercials regarding diabetes, it is *easy* to get the impression that the issue can be readily dealt with. Never mind the costs (I'm glad I'm not paying the full freight on this, because Diabetes is *not* cheap to manage), and never mind all the other things you are *supposed* to do... the true society-sent message is this: A) you have this ailment because you *chose* to have it. (just like all other deviations from perfection, it is a knowing and willful choice.) B) You have a duty - a socially mandated requirement - to conceal this deviance from society. It does not matter what it costs. C) the price is yours alone to pay. D) And if you cannot be perfect, there is but the one remaining task: remove yourself from the august rolls of society, that it may remain unalterable, unblemished, and above all, perfect in all possible ways. Where is he getting off with this 'perfect' rubbish? You have heard of 'the american self-made-man rags-to-riches fashionably-thin filthy-rich dream', haven't you? The one where everyone starts off with an utterly blank slate, where only the individual's iron-headed will to power means *anything*? Where no obstacle is too large to overcome, no ailment too difficult to conquer, and where 'handicaps/birth-defects/racial slurs/poverty/whatever' doesn't dare intrude? And where perfection - complete conformity to the ever-changing social ideal hardwired blatantly into every American soul - is entirely achievable... and is therefore obligatory? 3) Again, the above assumptions apply, namely that 'you chose to get sick, and that with full knowledge in all particulars, with the express and knowing goal of causing trouble for those who chose to be righteous in their every word, thought, and deed'. After all, a common belief is 'we create our own reality' - and by doing so we name ourselves omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent. "Yea, fallest thou down and worshipest thou me, for I have given mineself all power that I may do as per mine inclination of the moment while answering to no one." 4) Ah, the final message society says to its failures - "quit causing those of us who have chosen success and life trouble by taking too long to die. Get over it and get on with a well-earned eternity of hellfire." Note: the 'religious' imagery, while *highjacked*, is most appropriate. No preacher comes close to the viciousness of society when it comes to condemning those who *fail* to measure up to its implacable demands. "life is like a poker game. It isn't purely skill, nor purely chance, but a mixture of the two; and the proportions of each are never constant, but vary widely over time and among people." I can believe that.

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