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Song Parodies -> "(Mohammed Told Me) You Better Chop 'em Down"

Original Song Title:

"Shop Around"

Original Performer:

Captain & Tenille

Parody Song Title:

"(Mohammed Told Me) You Better Chop 'em Down"

Parody Written by:

Callmelennie

The Lyrics

Whatever happened to The Captain & Tennille? Apparently, they converted to Islam and began calling themselves "Al Naqib & Ta'aneel." Anyhow, after their first Islamohit "Musqat Love" they penned this tribute to the 700 males of the Arab-Jewish Qurayzah tribe who were beheaded in Medina in 627 as punishment for conspiring with Mohammed's enemies during the Battle of The Trench. The following version was performed live at Hajj-apalooza, 1407
(Spoken) When I became of age, My Prophet called me to his side
He said, "Bint, time is growing short now, to deal with that Jew tribe."
And then he said

Just because it ain't dealt in Quran, now
Doesn't mean we can't slay every man, now
You know they parleyed with Quraishi clan, now
Gonna go with the genocidin' plan, now
My Prophet told me
We're gonna chop 'em down (Chop, chop 'em down)
Wallah, we're gonna chop 'em down (Chop, chop 'em down)

There's some things that I want to tell you, now
Just as sure as Hadeeth are true, now
These hoodlums lied cause these Bedouins are Jews, now
We turn our backs and they'll stab us anew, now
Mohammed told me
We better chop 'em down (Chop, chop 'em down)
Wallah, we better chop 'em down (Chop, chop 'em down)

You gotta find yourself some courage, hon
Don't you faint on the very first one
Qurayzah slaves be a dime a dozen
We'll try to buy you one that's gonna give you true lovin'
Before you toss your sword and say "Can't do", now
Just remember they're oath-breakin' Jews now
Mohammed told me
You better chop 'em down

Try to steel yourself some courage, hon
Don't you blanche at the very first one
Qurayzah slaves be dinar a dozen
We'll try to buy one whose gonna give you true lovin'

Before you take a swing and say "Akbar", now
Make sure you're in the middle of bazaar, now
Make sure his faith is kuffar, now
I'd hate to banish you to the Jews in Khaybar, now
Mohammed told me
You better chop 'em down

Wallah, you better chop 'em down
Bismillah, you better chop 'em down
Wallah, you better chop 'em down
Bismillah, you better, you better, you better
Chop, chop em down
Wallah, wallah .......

This fateful event is the wellspring for Muslim hostility to Jews, as a mass beheading of MUSLIMS would have taken place if the Medinan Jews had been successful in being a fifth column for the Meccan Confederation Forces. Why is why Muslims aren't offended when this topic is brought up. They believe this penalty was fully justified. One the other hand they might no take too kindly to the idea of Toni Tenille singing about it .... But then again, who would?

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.9
How Funny: 4.0
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 2   0
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 3   0
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 4   1
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 5   11
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User Comments

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Callmelennie - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Musqat, BTW, is the capitol of Oman, so I guess Toni Tenille must have fallen in love with the place .... And, this mass execution took place at pits dug in the middle of the bazaar; right in the center of the city.
John Barry - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Good parody. Hilarious intro!
Rob Arndt - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Excellent, 5s!!! You could also use the OS as "Chop 'Em Down!"
Callmelennie - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Thanks, JAB and RDA (LOL). My original idea was to say that Smokey Robinson had converted to Islam and changed his name to Ibn Duzhaan (Son of Smoke). But then it hit me -- did not the Seventies-era, Gorgonzolan cheese-fest that was "The Captain and Tenille" also do this song, setting, in the process, the gold standard for wholly unnecessary and wholly unappreciated song covers? And would not the visual of Toni Tenille, she of "Muskrat Love", singing about mass beheadings send this post into here-to-fore uncharted territories of hilarity? ... Surprisingly, the Tenillian gender switcheroo wasn't any problem at all. All I had to do was switch "hon" for "son" a few times
Patrick - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
I once picked up an English translation of the Quran. The introduction was a century long litany of battles, massacres and atrocities. Then came the opening line "In the name of Allah the Merciful". Maybe some day I'll read further.
Timmy1000 - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Is this the ISIS theme song?
Jonathan - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
for some reason when I read "Bismillah" "Bohemian Rhapsody" popped into my head! 5's
Andy Primus - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
And they have the cheek to call it the Religion of Peace! At least we in the UK finally got rid of Abu Hamza. Hope he’s having a rough time in your prison system. With a bit of luck, someone will get to him and kill him.
Meriadoc - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
Ah - but is it somehow ironic that Musqat Love was originally recorded by America? :D
How Long? How Long Must We Sing This Song? - September 18, 2014 - Report this comment
With all the stupid fanaticism and pettiness and violence and corruption that has engulfed practically ALL religions today, the last thing we need is some cheapo parody that reinforces horrible stereotypes and cheapens and trivializes all the violent ugliness and ignorance and mindless hate. Yes, ISIS is evil and rotten to the core but after Saddam Hussein was ousted all these scumbag groups came out from under the rock. Saddam was a despotic tyrant and a douschbag but getting rid of him didn't improve anything. Sorry, but there ain't nothing funny here. This parody is CRAP.
Callmelennie - September 19, 2014 - Report this comment
What stereotyping? The only stereotype I'm reinforcing is the Tenille-ist assertion that any given Captain and Tenille performance generated a greater output of cheese than the entire state of Wisconsin over the course of the last century -- when in truth, an unbiased look at their songs reveal multiple layers of meaning which delight the open-minded with each new listening ....... For example, "Muskrat Love" on close inspection proves to be a sensitive, nuanced protest of the stifling sexuo-gender roles imposed by the Christo-Patriarchy which prohibits young lovers from channeling their Inner Rodent. And what of Darryl Dragon assuming the role of "The Captain" while "playing the organ" -- is it not obvious that this was a subversive comment on the Crypto-masturbatory mindset of the McCarthyistic, Red-baiting, profiteering, military-industrial complex? ..... But seriously, ladies and germs
Rob Arndt - September 20, 2014 - Report this comment
Hey CML, could you do C & T's "Love Will Keep Us Together" as "Blood Will Keep Us Together?" I can do the weapons and savagery version and you could do the Islamofascist Sunni cult version!!!
Chris Caillouet - January 31, 2015 - Report this comment
This is incredibly funny, a brilliant crossbreed. The use of "Mohammed" in that most familiar line was worth the visit all by itself. We played LWKUT in middle school band so I know my Captain and Tenille. I wish I could also give 5s to your response to HL^2MWSTS. Thanks for this, Lennie. (Can I call you Lennie?) ;-)

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