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Song Parodies -> "The Night Ted Drove, Kopechne Drowned"

Original Song Title:

"The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down"

Original Performer:

The Band

Parody Song Title:

"The Night Ted Drove, Kopechne Drowned"

Parody Written by:

Fiddlegirl and Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

The second installment in our new critically-acclaimed Kennedy series... made possible by the generous support of viewers like you.

The story needs no further introduction or explanation, so... there isn't any.
Teddy K. was my name; Child of privilege, wealth, and fame
Failed academic became, and shored up with Jack again
In the summer of ’69, I was horny, drunk, havin’ a time
July 18th, left the hotel
But a crime? Don’t remember—not so well.

The night I drove, Kopechne drowned
So uncaring, seeming
Was tight, but drove- Kopechne down
Poor girl left alone, screaming
She went, “No, no, no….”

Back on the shore I couldn’t see just where Mary Jo might be
“Teddy, quickly flee!”: Don't care about her, just me
Life went on just like it should; had an inquest, but my money was good
I did what I had to, Pop did the rest
But it was Mama who handled the G*D* press

The night for which I'm now renowned
Station phone not ringing
That night, next day: my lies, expound
Poor Mary paid for my swinging
I thought, “Run, run, run…”

Like my father before me, I will scheme and plan
Just like my brothers above me, I claim “entitled clan”
Cute stenographer, Robert’s staff, thought I’d thank her just on his behalf
I still hear the words Pop said to me,
"Never raise a stain on us; you're a Kennedy!"

The night I drove and Mary drowned
Chapel bells were ringing
Her plight at cove swept underground
And all the choir was singing
They went, “La, la, la…”

That night, the truth I did confound
And not a witness singing
Her plight: in car, poor girl was bound
But the dollars were slinging
They went, “Ching, ka-ching, ka-ching…”

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 17

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   16

User Comments

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metaphorsbwithu - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Perfect somg and title for the subject. A Jo(y)less parody. Glad you saved it until after the weekend. Wish you could have worked the fake neck brace in. What an ugly incident. I try not to judge, but I would not have wanted to be in the man's shoes for all the money in the world.
Mark Scotti - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Now, if she drove with a turtle, rescue would have been an easy option, istead of all that 'fiddling" around to get his story straight.... FIVES!!!
Timmy1000 - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
555 - I always like to see authors willing to take a risk. This was well written and seems forgotten by most. It is always fascinating how folks become so beloved by simply getting old or dying.
Early Turtle Gets The First Word - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Prelim replies before FG arrives with her sparkling wit (probably typing as I speak, so they'll post simultaneously):

metaphorsbwithu : What's wrong with judging when you see something that is plainly evil? - agree completely about not trading places. Thanks for v/c.

Mark Scotti: May I use that line? "Hey, baby, go out with *me*, because if we get sloshed and I drive us into the water, I can hold my breath for two hours and save you easily." Or just cut that to, "Hey, Baby, I can hold my breath for two hours hehe :) thanks for v/c!

Timmy1000: It is, isn't it? Especially for all of the Kennedys. Thanks for v/c.
DJ Blaze - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
R.I.P. Ted Kennedy. He will be missed. And you two have been doing collaboration parodies like crazy recently! 555
Fiddlegirl - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
M4: Thanks for v/c... Agree with TT-- calling for punishment when a crime has obviously been committed isn't judgmental, it's justice. Ditto on not wanting to trade places, although the money helped considerably in getting him out of those shoes and into some dry ones.

Mark: Haha! But you have to look out for the terrapin curves. ;)

Timmy1000: Insightful comment-- thanks.

DJ: Not by us, he won't. Likewise, I'm sure the Kopechne family/friends have not shed many tears over his passing. But you're still young, idealistic, and-dare I say it?- nice... And evidently far more respectful of the dead than either TT or I, to your credit. :) Appreciate v/c.
TT @ DJ and FG - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
I've always wondered why that "respect for the dead" is never applied to Stalin, Hitler, James Earl Ray, Lee Harvey Oswald, etc.,, yet applies to this killer. For once in my life, I'm stumped. (so to speak.)
DJ Blaze - August 31, 2009 - Report this comment
I just submitted a parody about Hitler. I definitely don't respect him, but we remember him for being evil.
TJC - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Excellente Rhynamic Duo... the best iambic Ken-damn-meter I've had the pleasure of reading!
TT - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
DJ Blaze: Exactly our point about Teddy. We remember him for being evil.

TJC: Wow, too bad it's late and FG didn't see yer comment yet -- I'm sure she will tomorrow: "Rhynamic Duo! I love it! ... and while TT has used WS' meter to send up TV, BDSM, Sarah Palin, and Dr. Seuss, I'd never disgrace the Bard by wasting him on cowardly killers a la the Mass. Murderer. Thanks, TJ!
Guy - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
FG & TT - So glad that you two used the unabridged version. I've been the victim of power and privledge myself - a military "doctor" caused the demise of my daughter in 1995 at the age of 23. I tried to take on the US Government - my lawyer was an ex-JAG military lawyer. I thought this was good at the time because he knew the inside tract. He knew it too well. Someone, probably a major pharmaceutical company, with deep pockets, played a major hand in covering up the facts - no one was held accountable for their actions and I'm still waiting to learn what happened and why. It's a very long story. My lawyer was passed on to me by my original lawyer without my knowledge. My problem is that I trusted this guy and he put the screws to my entire family. So I know exactly how the Kopechne family feels. I applaud your write. Thanks!
blackjack21 - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
It's an old story: Money talks and criminals walk. Another fine write by the hottest new team in the biz. 555 rave reviews.
Tommy Turtle - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Guy: Deepest sympathies on your loss, and even deeper (pardon the redundant superlative) sympathy for the screwing you got. I've been the victim of the same myself, although I'd rather not share the details. ... and THIS is the Government that thinks it can do so much better at health care? Thanks for v/c, Guy.

blackjack21: You said it all, Bro. Thanks much for the v/r (vote/review).
FG @ Guy - September 01, 2009 - Report this comment
What a horrible, heartbreaking story. I am so sorry.
Lifeliver - March 29, 2013 - Report this comment
This cover-up has always interested me and I'm so glad I dropped in on this, retold with unerring aplomb. Apparently Mary Jo had a lot going for her - what a waste of a life that was. Did you know they figure she was probably alive down there for a while in a pocket of air? It doesn't bear thinking about. I don't entirely blame old Ted for his actions at the scene. He was in shock, alcohol-affected and simply didn't know what to do. But the political machine behind him still has much to answer for. My belated compliments on a great song match-up for a very sharp political parody. Wish I'd been around the site in those days when you two were hitting your stride.
Tommy Turtle - March 30, 2013 - Report this comment
Liveliver: "Did you know they figure she was probably alive down there for a while in a pocket of air?"

Yes, we did.
see f/n [6]

"I don't entirely blame old Ted for his actions at the scene. He was in shock, alcohol-affected and simply didn't know what to do."

See the bottom of f/n [5] there, and f/n [4] here:

"Like father, like son" -- we summed up the evil of the patriarch that so shaped the "morality" of his sons, and closed our Kennedy series, here:

We certainly wish you'd been around the site in those days, too. Thanks for the surprise visit. Your insightful comments are always welcome!
Callmelennie - March 30, 2013 - Report this comment
Brutal! I do believe this is the best political song parody I've ever seen anywhere; and one of the best parodies of any stripe
lifeliver - March 30, 2013 - Report this comment
@ Lennie - If you thought this was good, check out the link Tommy provided to my response (above, or below, depending on which screen you're looking at). As surely as poor Mary Jo was nailed in her coffin, Ted's culpability and equally damning political immunity to a major felony is sealed tight - almost as frightening for all of us as it was for the victim. I'd hate to be the defendant with that pair of parodic prosecutors on the other side of the table. Oh, and I'll take it as a compliment that you followed my tracks here.
Tommy Turtle - March 31, 2013 - Report this comment
@ Callmelennie: Very high praise indeed -- thank you! And I can vouch for the fact that LL's recommendations are generally well worth heeding. ;-D

@ Lifeliver: Thanks for the compliment in your response to Lennie, and yes, it is indeed a tribute when someone follows another's tracks. CML apparently agrees with me that yours are often worth following.:)

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