Why I kvetch all day on this holiday -
It's not a holiday because I slave all day.
All our folks fly in and have to stay -
At our house all during Channu - kay.
So I schlep and cook and clean all day -
Why did we move to Californ - i -ay?
Wish they'd stay away, they'd stay away, they'd stay away.

If they stay away we'll have a holiday -
Where we can play instead of work all day.
We can watch football 'till the cows come home -
And catch up on reading John O'Hara's tomes.
I expect too much, that will never be -
Now the kids they cry - they want a Christmas tree!
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree, a Christmas tree!

Meine mishpocech -
Machetunim -
All meshuggeneh -
Hok nit kain tchynik!
My Moishe's goyish -
Bravel me shiksa -
Moishe Kapoyr -
A nechtiger tog!
Brekhn zolstu dem kop -
Feffer dir in noz -
Miesse meshina -
I'm oysgematert!
Oy vay is mir, oy vay is mir, oy vay is mir!

If they stay away we'll get some sleep at night -
A week of peace and quiet without family fights.
We'll clean the house and it'll stay that way -
There will be no need to lock the booze away.
I'll fry latkes just for you and me -
And the kids can pay for their damn Christmas tree!
If they stay away, they stay away, they stay away.

But here they come like a swarm of bees -
Mom on her broom, the rest in SUV's.
A noisy room full of screaming kids -
A throbbing pain behind my eyelids.
Entertaining shnorrers the whole day through -
Tell them to buy a place in Malibu!
And they'll stay away, they'll stay away, they'll stay away.