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Song Parodies -> "My Front Yard Has Been Mined"

Original Song Title:

"Humble and Kind"

Original Performer:

Tim McGraw

Parody Song Title:

"My Front Yard Has Been Mined"

Parody Written by:

Patrick McWilliams

The Lyrics

A couple weeks ago CBS "Sunday Morning" ran a profile of songwriter Lori McKenna. That's where I first heard this song, which was a hit by Tim McGraw. It is a song of peace and goodwill. I couldn't let something like that go unchallenged.
I've got a shotgun propped up by the front door
Motion sensor wired under the mat
The search lights will shine
And my front yard has been mined
Stay away from here cause I said so
This will be the last warning you get
One wrong step you'll be wasted
Careful, the front porch is mined

You didn't make an appointment
Don't enter, don't even try
And though you brought ladders to climb with
You'll end up mangled and blind
When high voltage current shoots through you
Then you'll realize I wasn't joking
When you feel you have been fried
Lucky that you haven't died

Expect to ride in an ambulance
Hold your hands palms out where I can see them
One false move and you'll go flying
If you should step on a mine
Know the difference between visiting someone
And someone who says "Keep Away!"
"That Means You, Punk!", and need I remind
That my back yard has been mined

That door is locked for a reason
Don't sneak or steal or you'll die
You've got a crack habit you're feeding
Don't feed it that which is mine
You say you're just reading the meter
Well that line doesn't fly here anymore
Solar panels work just fine
Plenty of juice for the mines

That rattlesnake I stuffed in my mailbox
Should send a message you cannot misconstrue
Where the sun doesn't shine
That's where my boot you will find
Don't take for granted I want what you're selling
Scurry back where you came from
Don't even look back around
Warn the next guy in line
That my front porch has been mined

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 2.7
How Funny: 2.6
Overall Rating: 2.6

Total Votes: 31

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 2   1
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 3   1
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 4   2
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 5   11
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User Comments

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2A is NOT Ok - February 22, 2017 - Report this comment
the second amendment doesn't give you any right to landmines, you nitwit! You shouldn't even have that shotgun. Guns only lead to violence and the people that own them are both violent and nutjobs. There are no militias today, btw, we have the National Guard. You don't have any rights to own or carry automatic pistols, assault rifles, and other military gear. Ban guns outright! Gun violence must end. Your parody is not funny, it's wicked and sad.1's
Jonathan - February 22, 2017 - Report this comment
^ not sure if trolling, or just very Liberal! But seriously, darkly funny parody! and kudos and parodying one of the only good original songs, to come from that sellout McGraw in recent years! 5s
Patrick - February 22, 2017 - Report this comment
The Second Amendment doesn't give me anything. It is the government's promise not to infringe on pre-existing rights that come from my Creator or from one's nature as a human being, whichever you prefer. Guns are a tool that may or may not keep a younger, stronger, or more vicious person from terminating this fat, fragile 64 year old man before a bag of Burger King french fries does. You are at least partially right about the militia/National Guard concept. The federal government established the National Guard in order to take military power away from the States. State militias formed the backbone of the Confederate Army during the War of Independence and the feds did not want that to happen again. By the way, how do you ban guns? How do you take them from people to whom they are a critical part of one's identity? Perhaps you can convince them of the error of their ways and they will voluntarily throw them in the river or melt them into a giant statue of Hillary Clinton. But, history shows that the only way to disarm someone who is committed to retain his weapons is to use weapons. Whose weapons will those be? A common burglar might go away if I give him my wallet, even though it has little in it. He might be satisfied with the keys to my old, beat-up car. But a government Jackboot will not be bought off. And when you call for banning guns, that is exactly what you are asking for--amoral goons, with automatic weapons, kicking down doors in the middle of the night, and shooting people, throwing grenades into baby cribs, even killing peoples' pet dogs. Just look at the war on drugs and you'll know just how a ban on guns would go down. I hope you read this response to your comment, because I really want to know what you think. Oh, Jonathan, as a participant in a parody website, you seem to have grasped what so many have not--the concept of "satire". It's one of those things that I use for dividing people. There are those who get it, and those who don't. Oh, and I recall one time seeing a story from South Africa where wealthier individuals are protecting their estates from the massive crime wave by installing electrically operated landmines in their yards.
Misunderstood - February 22, 2017 - Report this comment
Although I do "get it," your homemade Maginot Line lacks the Strangelovian absurdity to make it as effective a satire as it should have been. Still, I myself have tried over-the-top outrageousness, but I couldn't penetrate the dullness of the literalists who insist on being offended. It's no use! What we need is a parody site where real parodies are written and appreciated. Message Alert: Around 1947, there was a movie "The Senator Was Indiscreet." A political buffoon was offered the presidential candidacy by the backroom guys. He replied, with great disappointment, that he hoped to be baseball commissioner, but he came around when he was told that the President's salary is greater. Seventy years later, although the details differ somewhat, we have life imitating art.
Misunderstood - February 23, 2017 - Report this comment
I am amazed by your presumptuous and eccentric assertion that the right to bear arms is a pre-existing condition conferred by God or Nature. I assume that "arms" include a rock or a stick, in order to account for the period before firearms were invented. Moreover, a cursory reading of Scalia and Stevens in Heller reveals no comparable assertion. On the other hand, your description of Jackboots kicking in doors in the middle of the night (never in daylight or during prime time TV viewing), throwing grenades into baby cribs, and killing Fido — that is pure, hilarious satirical genius. It should have been in your parody!
Annalouise Fraka - February 23, 2017 - Report this comment
There is NOTHING funny or satirical about land mines which kill or maim 20,000 people a year. Have you seen what One landmine can do to a human being? Not to mention that there are 110 million of them buried around the world with 250 million stockpiled for war. Manufacturers make 5-10 million more per year. The fact that you want them in your yard makes you an old, crazy sadist. And your shotgun? I hope the police or military ram it up your ass when they come to seize it. You sound like a survivalist fanatic and 2A fanatic. You should be labeled a domestic terrorist. This world is about love, not hate. Sell your weapons and go help the homeless. You are definitely not part of the solution, but part of the problem. Ban all guns! Save our children!
Paul - February 23, 2017 - Report this comment
^ agree wholeheartedly.
Patrick - February 23, 2017 - Report this comment
If I sell my gun, what will the buyer do with it? The image of jackbooted thugs kicking down doors, killing dogs, setting off grenades in living rooms, shooting innocent people are all reality. Watch any show about the drug war. That's exactly how a gun round-up would be "executed". My rights exist independent of what some dude in a dress thinks of them. By the way, the drug warriors attack in the middle of the night in order to take their victims by surprise, while they are sleeping. If they are startled and reach for something, they can always be shot. Dope cops are hyped up on adrenaline and propaganda, the same as junkies get hopped up on speed. Both are threats to society. As for helping the homeless, what if they are homeless because they are disarmed, and some stronger gang is forcing them from their homes? What makes a guy with a government paycheck superior to me in morality or self-control or competence in the use of a firearm? Experience has shown the opposite to be true. The millions of landmines scattered around the world were nearly all placed there by governments, to pressure other governments. They remain long after the King and Kaiser have died, to blow up farmers and road builders. Landmines are not civilian self defense weapons because of the indiscriminate nature. A shotgun in the hands of a home defender can be controlled. A trip-wire shotgun can nail a fireman or child. Not legitimate. Again, this is a satire. It may or may not reflect my actual practice in self protection. I have written parodies from the point of view of a gay man, which I am not, and from the point of view of Fred Phelps, which I am not. Satire allows one to explore the ideas and cultures of other individuals and groups. That's part of the fun. Sort of like acting. If I only wrote about my own life and experiences, my repertoire would be somewhat limited. And, to some, maybe that would be a good thing.
Misunderstood - February 23, 2017 - Report this comment
^ The price of liberty is eternal vigilance. An excess of vigilance is paranoia. It must be hell to live constantly with your fevered imaginings of armed government thugs invading home and hearth in the dead of night to confiscate the God-given essence of your independent being — your firearm.
Norman - February 24, 2017 - Report this comment
Forget logic with this Kansas City fruitcake. He's thinks he's Rambo. He's quite insane.
Patrick - February 24, 2017 - Report this comment
More Rimbaud than Rambo. Except for the gay part. I still haven't got an answer on how you plan to confiscate guns. Maybe the flying unicorns will go door to door collecting them. By the way, this parody is what is known as a "satire". It represents a misogynist individual who hides from the world behind barbed wire, minefields and guns. In the real world only the government does that, or can get away with such paranoia. Or needs to. The news is full of stories of people shot dead by SWAT teams who got the wrong address. Look up "Civil Forfeiture" sometime.
Patrick - February 24, 2017 - Report this comment
Went back and looked at some of my earlier parodies. I wonder if Norman really believes I have an army of cloned soldiers, that I work in a zoo, that I made a movie about Mohammed, that I looted a store in Ferguson, Missouri, or that I tried to buy a brain on eBay. Not to mention the girl I stalked or my whaling ship, or the time I took a guided trip through Hell. Or attended a one-room school house with a bunch of AIR writers. Or a seance with a group of witches who gave me a potion to make a woman marry me? Or the time I booked a trip to Lower Slobbovia on a WWII Liberty Ship.
Misunderstood - February 25, 2017 - Report this comment
For a real lurid nightmare, forget about jackbooted government thugs stealing your gub at 3 A.M. or the DEA poking in your medicine cabinet. You have enough material from your surgeon, your used car dealer, your kids creationist teacher, and your dinnertime telemarketer.
Seen it before - February 25, 2017 - Report this comment
Someday we're gonna be watching the news and see this cuckoo fighting the BAFTE. They'll shove that shotgun right up his rectum with ease.
Misunderstood - February 25, 2017 - Report this comment
^ Another survivalist nut job! For God's sake, put on your slippers and your aluminum foil hat, go into town, and get a shave and a bath. While you're in the tub, you can play with your toaster.
Patrick - February 26, 2017 - Report this comment
Misunderstood, if you look up some of my previous entries you will find parodies about used cars, medical emergencies, creation vs evolution, and telemarketers. Do you really think I am a lizard who evolved into a bird? That's what I wrote. I have a lot of parodies about cloning. Did I really sink with the Edmund Fitzgerald? I sure wrote a lot about that topic. I would think that someone who frequents a parody web site would grasp the basic concept of "satire". Let's see if you can understand this joke: A friend of mine did some genealogy research. He found a great-great grandfather who had been hit in the head by a Native American who was wielding a hammer or hatchet. A surgeon flattened a half dollar and sewed it to his scalp to repair the hole in his skull. From then on he was known as "Silver Head Knowel". I told my buddy I had an ancestor who fought at the Battle of Saratoga. He was crossing the battlefield when a short Redcoat soldier aimed low and shot him. The surgeon patched him up and from then on he was known as "Woodpecker Quinn". My friend did not understand the joke. Do you?
Misunderstood - February 26, 2017 - Report this comment
Patrick, I am the greatest satirist you never met. I love satire. Nobody loves satire more than me. I can tell you that. You wouldn't believe it. I know you really hate gubs. Just reread my first comment in this thread. And now, please excuse me as I am busy fattening up my one-year old son so that he can profitably be sold as food and no longer be an economic burthen on me and my good wyfe.
Misunderstood - February 26, 2017 - Report this comment
Y-you mean the surgeon gave him a prosthetic pecker made of wood. J-just like mine? Wood pecker? Woodpecker. That was a very satirical comeback you made, exaggerating your friend's example of primitive military reconstructive surgery. Is your story apocryphal? Of course! It's SATIRE! So, Patrick, does it have something to do with Obamacare?
Donata Munkimbo - February 27, 2017 - Report this comment
The only mines in my yards are from my Rhodesian Ridgeback Damba. Anyone who would want real military landmines in his yard is hell-bent on violence or crazy! There is nothing funny about that subject. I hope the American police go to this guy's house and take away all his weapons. That's what they are, weapons to hurt people. And if this crackpot fears the Government, live in Zimbabwe for a few months.
Misunderstood - February 27, 2017 - Report this comment
Anything is fodder for satire, but the satirist should know when his humor is opaque and he crosses the line into offensiveness. In that case, he should be prepared to take the barbs. This is especially true when his own lifestyle approximates the object of his satire. Perhaps that is why the playwright George S. Kaufman wrote, "Satire is what closes Saturday night."
Patrick - February 27, 2017 - Report this comment
Aren't Rhodesian Ridgebacks a breed of killer attack dog? Where I come from dangerous dogs are a lowlife status symbol. Unlike a gun, the owner only "thinks" he can control a dog. Instinct, rather than intelligence. Will attack a mail carrier same as a burglar. The story of the guy with the hole in his head is true. The "wooden pecker" is satire. I live in an apartment and the landlord would not take it too well if I started planting landmines in the front lawn. There was a story on the news a couple years ago about some people in a gated community in high crime South Africa who planted their yards with landmines and another about an inventor who devised a flamethrower to shower a carjacker with burning napalm. That would not be legal here. In Kansas it is perfectly legal to own a shotgun. It is legal to carry a pistol in your pocket. No permit required. Same goes for Missouri since the beginning of the year. Never thought about Obamacare in regard to silver coin skull surgery or wooden prosthetics. If Trump succeeds in repealing O-care, will he go out and collect wooden peckers from the people who received them under the Affordable Care Act? I'll be listening to tomorrow night's speech to see if he brings up the topic.
Rob Arndt - February 27, 2017 - Report this comment
Patrick, the Rhodesian Ridgeback is in the hound dog class and recognized by the AKC. 70-85 lbs. It was bred by the Boers in Africa as a hunting dog able to keep a lion at bay until the hunter could shoot it. It's not an attack dog! I know someone who owned one. Very popular in South Africa.
Misunderstood - February 27, 2017 - Report this comment
"Wood/pecker" is not satire. It is a pun. For a learned disquisition on the art of punning, consult Jonathan, the Sage of AIR.
Patrick - February 28, 2017 - Report this comment
I'm sure Jonathan will check in. Everyone else has. I have an instinctive distrust of large dogs. When the lions were wiped out, the Ridgeback dogs were repurposed for hunting communist insurgents. At least that's how I first heard about the breed--in a survivalist magazine. There used to be a popular newspaper columnist who advised her readers who asked about guns to get a dog instead. Dogs are a serious responsibility, not to be taken lightly. I can unload a gun and lock it in the closet and leave it unattended for years. Can't do that with a dog. Or, at least you shouldn't. Not good for the animal.
Rob Arndt - February 28, 2017 - Report this comment
Patrick, you should stop reading SoF and read the military journals instead. All major military powers use dogs, not just for security, but in the field under mountain troops and recon patrols. Dogs have done well in Afghanistan and Iraq. I own two large Shepherds. The dogs I worry about are pitbulls that are everywhere nowadays. I don't hate the breed, just the temperament and negligent owners. Btw, the SDD puts a pitbull to shame. Serbian Defense Dog. Illegal in the US and elsewhere in the world.
Patrick - February 28, 2017 - Report this comment
I heard somewhere that the military dogs sent to Vietnam were destroyed because of fear of spreading tropical diseases should they return Stateside. I have seen stories of Iraq/Afghan vets being allowed to repatriate the dogs they served with. I haven't seen Soldier of Fortune in years. Didn't know they were still around. I've had a lot of bad experiences with dogs starting in early childhood and I just don't trust them unless I get to know one very well. Where I come from, some people take pride in their dogs' capacity for violence. Dope dealers often keep them for security. A friend of mine discovered some documents relating to an obscure WWII program to train dogs to hunt Japanese soldiers on the islands. The Army recruited Americans of Japanese ancestry to serve as "bait". Sort of a racial thing about dogs being able to distinguish various humans by smell. You may be able to find the show on PBS "History Detectives" from several years ago. I have been amazed by how many readers here think I am sowing my front yard with landmines. They must also think I clone soldiers to carry out my grandiose plans for world domination. Or that I used to be a lizard who evolved into a bird. I recall a story about a dog called "Presso Canario" which killed a woman in San Francisco. Some prisoner was hiring people on the outside to breed these animals and split the profits with him. There is a genetic component to canine behavior, it's not simply training.
Rob Arndt - February 28, 2017 - Report this comment
http://nisei.hawaii.edu/object/io_1153256967265.html
Patrick - March 02, 2017 - Report this comment
Rob, that is about the scariest job I could think of, being bait for an attack dog. If I had a gun, that dog would not make it through training.
Rob Arndt - March 03, 2017 - Report this comment
Patrick, most military dogs used in the field today are Belgian Malinois, German Shepherd, and Labradors. A Belgian Malinois named Cairo was with SEAL Team Six when they hit Osama's compound. Some of the dogs have been given augmented titanium teeth, dog suited body armor, and respirators for jumping with their handlers from altitude. The Germans in WW2 used their dogs for AT work, sniper scouts, death camp guard duty. Some were awarded the Iron Cross!
Patrick - March 06, 2017 - Report this comment
Kansas City, Kansas Police use Belgian Malinois. Finally heard the other day why the Russian-trained explosive carrying dogs attacked Russian tanks. Apparently Russian tanks which the dogs trained on were petrol while the German tanks were diesel. They went for the tanks that smelled like the ones the Russians taught them to go for.
Rob Arndt - March 06, 2017 - Report this comment
Also, the Russian dogs went for the more familiar tank silhouette and engine noise! German AT dogs placed magnetic or satchel charges and were called back. It was against Nazi law to intentionally harm animals, even for the military and research. A dog cargo load for the V-2 aimed at space research at Peenemunde was similarly rejected.
Margaret - March 16, 2017 - Report this comment
I didn't know the original song, so I listened to it as I was reading the lyrics to the satirical version, and it seemed to match pretty well. I regret the way so many people don't grasp the idea that satire is not factual, but rather ridiculous in nature.
Counter Argument - March 17, 2017 - Report this comment
Patrick is rather ridiculous in character. He's a conspiracy theorist reactionary, Libertarian nutjob who worships gun ownership and who complains about minorities and the First Amendment right to free speech and peaceful protests. He's lunatic fringe squirrel bait. Kansas City white trash second or third generation IMHO.
Jasper - March 17, 2017 - Report this comment
Only future criminals own guns
The Informed Public - March 17, 2017 - Report this comment
^ spot on J-man. True gun control is confiscation!
Patrick - April 05, 2017 - Report this comment
Conspiracy simply means "planning". When did I ever attack minorities? This website is a forum for peaceful protest. Squirrels don't chase me. Dogs sometimes do. Third generation in Kansas City. Dad and Grandpa were not trash. You can make your own judgement about me.
Mr. Sulu - April 05, 2017 - Report this comment
Oh my! That was succinct!
CPT Kirk - April 06, 2017 - Report this comment
^^^At ease, Helmsman. Belay that last outburst (Sigh)
Rob Arndt - April 06, 2017 - Report this comment
As an aside, the Germans used millions of Teller mines in WW2. The Western Allies used metal detectors to which the Germans responded with glass and wooden shoebox mines as undetectable!

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