Stanza I--Edward.
Once long ago, I adored Miss Amy Grant,
As if she were always free from blame all day.
But I read in Rolling Stone that she was a fool,
Like Smitty, Sandi Patty, OCP or GIA,
And deep in my heart, I knew her husband she had dumped
In two thou, just so she could get Vince Gill!
Now she's singing "Simple Things", shooting herself in the foot
And tempting men, and taking their cash, killing them at will!

Refrain I.
So don't buy Amy Grant
Because her morals are so scant!
Go and buy POG like you know that you should,
Ah! don't buy Amy Grant!

Stanza II--Twila.
You can never mess with my good friend Sara Groves;
She'll kill you if you get that DVD
Showing Amy in her concerts or just in the studio;
When she sings "Baby, Baby," you'll be served by killler bees!

Refrain II.
So don't buy Amy Grant!
Don't buy "Heart in Motion;" you simply can't!
Go and buy Casting Crowns, like you know that you should!
Ah! don't buy Amy Grant!

Bridge.
Twila: Don't take away the credit from songwriters like me!
How else can I afford to buy Land Cruisers annually?
Edward: Or Big Ten Network football games! such things are never free!
Both: So all we ask is everybody, please...

Refrain III.
Don't buy Amy Grant! (No! no!)
Even Mike Irvin knows we can't! (Just ask him!)
Go and buy SCC like you know that you should; (You really should!)
Ah! don't buy Amy Grant!

Refrain IV.
Don't buy Amy Grant! (Ah! please! don't you do it!)
Or you might as well die by a loved one's hand! (Remember your family!)
Go and buy Nordeman (Right now!) like you know that you should! (Go out and buy it!)
Ah! don't buy Amy Grant!

Refrain V.
Don't buy Amy Grant,
Or your own food will end up bland! (And you deserve it!)
Go and buy Jason Grey (Just buy him!) like you know that you should! (You cheap halfwit!)
Ah! don't buy Amy Grant!