I have never gone to a salad bar,
A salad bar,
A salad bar,
No, I have never gone to a salad bar,
I've stayed away,
So very far

Look at me
Look at me
Blob on the couch eatin' KFC
And I
Am tearin' off the wrapper
Of the the candy bar that contains Hershey's
I can eat all of the Doritos
I can show you how to break a record
Eating apple pies at a county fair
But that is not the point, get it back together
I can eat 12 bags full of MnM's,
While I'm swallowing an entire ham,
Couldn't even fit in my cubical,
Working as a tech-geek for IBM,
I have no friends, just a cat named puss
All of my friends live in comic books
Somebody call a cook,
I have a hankering for prime rib, so, look

Since college, I have always been alone,
Oh, so alone,
Eating T-Bone
Cuz, I can't fit through the door of my own home
Of my own home,
Of my own home

Look at me
Look at me
Just ate 3 mice and a bumblebee,
ALIVE
My fridge is empty,
Now I gotta go get groceries,
I use my money, buy junk food at the store,
I buy lots of chips, dips, candy, and ice cream,
Use MasterCard at the cash register,
"Insufficient Funds" pops up on the screen,
I was about to go psychotic,
Everything just really seemed so chaotic, Then I see
That I have my Visa with me,
Stupid me, I feel so idiotic,
Drive home slowly in my beater,
The long wait seemed to make the food sweeter
Shove the food down my digestive system
God damn me for my super-low resistance, Cuz

I can't help my self from eating Oreos,
or Do-si-dos,
this really blows,
And looking like John Goodman is really not cool,
Really not cool,
It's so, so cruel

Look at me
Look at me
Eating, and I can't stop
But, it feels real bad to me,
My weight will not drop,
My reach, is limited,
My elbows, deformed,
My couch, is dented,
My clothes aren't the norm.
At the size that I'm at I just can't function,
Cuz I'm looking just like a carved-out pumpkin,
I am considering liposuction,
Cuz I feel like I'm close to eruption,
I could try eating foods with no fat in them,
Even though I don't like 'em,
I could exercise, not watch television,
Use 'Jenny Craig', 'stead of 'OnDemand',

Because All of my pairs of pants are really tight,
They're really tight,
They're really tight,
And maybe I could do crunches and jump some rope,
And jump some rope,
There might be hope,
And when I lose some weight then I'm a get some ass,
I'm a get some ass,
I'm a get some ass,
I'M A GET SOME ASS
I'M A GET SOME ASS
I'M A GET SOME ASS

I have never gone to a salad bar,
A salad bar,
A salad bar,
I have never gone to a salad bar,
A salad bar,
A salad bar...