If I could be a politician,
I'd be mister right wing man
Killing off lousy old social protections,
according to my right wing plan,
And if I saw liberals helping the gay,
Curing sick people, not making them pay
I'd haul them off to jail in Guantanamo Bay.
Because I would be Right Wing Man.

(Now some liberals want you to be a liberal,
and they offer you things like free prescription drugs and social welfare,
but we know what to do kids, we just say no.)

If I could be a politician
I'd be mister CIA
Telling the world of the evils of weapons,
and making the dictators pay
Though I'd never admit I have troops in Iran
I'd take all your rights for exposing my plan
Cause who will ever know if I topple Tehran?
Cause I'd be CIA man

If I could be a Politician
I'd be mister free-trade Dude
I'd send US workers all back to their homes
And I'd import all of our food
I'd send off to China our best jobs to boot
Then borrow a fortune to pay for our loot
And if we lose jobs, all the links I'd refute
Becasue I would be free-trade Dude.

(Kids, you can make up your own politician! If you could, who would you be?)

If you could be a politician,
Would you be blaming man?
Making sure enemies take all the blame
when it turns out you screwed up the plan?
Like if an ex-president has a bit on the side
Would you impeach him and dance on his hide?
Or claim the left wing let security slide?
Especially Bill
Then you would be blaming man

Or if you're candidate has a simian face
Would you the others all try to disgrace?
Or claim that they're flip-flopping from place to place?
Especially John
Then you would be blaming man
Then you would be a politician like me.