George Michael has been banned from his local pub for having a sneaky fag in the gents.

The Rolling Stones aren't as young as they used to be.
Rumor has it that they're working on a new album called "Steel Wheelchairs"
Tracks include:
Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
Let’s Take A Nap Together
I Can’t Get No Circulation
It’s Only Dulcolax but I Like It
Help Me Up!
Gimmie a Tax Shelter
Brown Splenda
19th Hip Replacement
Limpin' Jack Flash
You Can't Always Chew What You Want
She’s So Old and
Nursing Home Women

What's the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn't walk around Dublin thinking he is Bono.

What did George Harrison say to his guitar while it gently weeped?
Don't Fret.

Did you see that Mick Jagger & Keith Richards were clawed to death by a giant parrot?
It's like killing two Stones with one bird.

I included this riddle with a mail-in ticket request for a Dead show at the LA Coliseum (60,000+) and the ticket people must have liked it because I got a pair of front row center seats!
Q: How can you tell if Deadheads have been in your house?
A: They're still there!

Mick Jagger's lips are so big he can play a tuba...
....from either end.

What do you call Lionel Richie with a biscuit on his head?
Lionel Richtea

Whats the difference between a lawnmower and Cypress Hill?
One cuts grass and the other smokes it.

It was reported last night that Beyonce is, in fact, the love child of the late great UK presenter of 'Record Breakers' Roy Castle.
A spokesperson from Beyonce's record company has said that she is pleased by the discovery but will not be taking her newly discovered father's surname.