Everyday at the House you would see him arrive
Stood 4ft six and weighed 245
Kinda narrow in the brain and broad at the hip
And if you spoke at all he'd fatten your lip, a Big John

Ch. Big John, Big John, Big Bad John

Noone understood in a North Wales gutter
Why he picked a brawl with an egg throwing nutter
Then a crashing blow from a huge right hand
Sent a queezy farmer fella to the promised land., a Big John

He gave two fingers to the media press
Seemed to say with the Euro he couldn't care less
But the environment really turns him on
Strange we all call him Two Jags John, a Big John

Nobody knew he was an alien
Didn't make much sense in fact folk say none
His speeches were a jumbled blend
Kinda Stanley Unwin meets Bill and Ben, a Big John

His diving suit was the biggest in the land
When he put it on he looked like Michelin man
Needed a mighty loo to sit upon
A privy grand, gargantuan, A BIG JOHN...

One day at the bottom of the House blew a mine
Al Qaeda had struck and folk started cryin'
Members were praying and hearts beat fast
And everybody thought they'd breathed their last 'cept John

Through the dust and smoke of this man-made hell
Walked a short, stout man that the members knew well
Held his mighty cookbook and gave out with a groan
And like a broad oak tree he just stood there alone-Big John

With mighty strength he stood and grinned
Then an MP yelled "He's going to break wind!"
And hundreds scrambled from a would-be grave
Now there's only one in there to save-Big John

With cases and papers they moved their butts
Then came the rumble from the hero's guts
The Old Fart let rip with a gale force nine
And everyone knew it was the end of the line for Big John

Now they never dug up that hapless git
Placed a marble stand close to where he'd sit
These few word are written on that stand
At the bottom of this pile lies a BIG BIG man, Big John

(fade) Big John, Big John, Big bad John, Big John....