"Baby you're so precious, Daddy's so proud of you, Sit down b*tch, If you move again I'll beat the sh*t out of you". We all know this song, its "Kim" by Eminem. Eminem is the new "shocking" and "controversial" rap star. He sings songs about raping his girlfriend, and beating his mom, and about how he hates gays, and bi's and everything else that a shocking rapper must sing about. (It's in the shocking rapper handbook, read it). He's shocking because the things he sings about were considered taboo before him...or were they? Rappers like Eminem, Ice T and Public Enemy have brainwashed people over the past 15 years to make them think that rap invented shocking lyrics. They're making people believe that they were the first to sing about sexual acts, or that they were the first to sing about offensiveness. But there is a genre that outdoes any rap song ever. There is a genre that has recorded more offensive lyrics, and more off-color lines than the number of times Ozzy has been bleeped. And that genre is.....CLASSIC ROCK! That's right kids, classic rock. Classic rock songs have been banned more than any rap song. More DJ's and radio stations have refused to play classic rock songs than any other genre of music. More classic rock songs contain lyrics that are sexual, homophobic or just not in line with the politically correct way of thinking. Are you shocked now?

Many of the songs that contain off-color lines, I bet you didn't even know were there. Lets take the Kinks for example, and their 1965 song "a well respected man". " And his mother goes to meetings, While his father pulls the maid, And she stirs the tea with councilors, While discussing foreign trade, And she passes looks, as well as bills At every suave young man....And he likes his own backyard, And he likes his fags the best, 'Cause he's better than the rest, And his own sweat smells the best, And he hopes to grab his father's loot, When Pater passes on....And he plays at stocks and shares, And he goes to the Regatta, And he adores the girl next door, 'Cause he's dying to get at her, But his mother knows the best about The matrimonial stakes." At first listen, you'd think this was a nice soft song, that is about "a well respected man, doing things conservatively", but then you'd hear the lyrics...and you'd hear the controversy. At the time, this was a very controversial thing. In 1965, people were expecting songs like "help!" or "Ferry ‘cross the mercy", nice songs about love, but not off-color. The kinks were one of the first to bend the line of acceptance with lyrics (Elvis did it with his hips, not lyrics). So, you may not be impressed by these lyrics, "So what, Ray Davies isn't singing about something shocking", ok, how bout we take a look at another Kinks song then...."Lola"...The whole song of "Lola" is a 60's censors worst nightmare. The song is about a transvestite who picks up a young boy in a Soho bar. Many people don't realize it till the end (and even after that, some don't) that Lola is a man. It was based on a true story that happened to one of Dave Davies friends...with a little artistic license. This was shocking at the time, and still is now (did you see the Queen of England's face, when at the "Queens Jubilee" Ray Davies played this song. It was hysterical, there is Queen Elizabeth, and Prince Charles, 2 people who have probably never heard of the Kinks, and Ray starts to play this nice little song, and then "I'm glad I'm a man, and so is Lola!..HA Ha"...priceless) Now how many rap songs can you think of that are about transvestites named Lola, and are sung by a straight man in the first person! The Kinks lyrics may have been the reason that they were banned from the United States for four years. Now you're saying to yourself "Oh that's nothing, he didn't mention any sexual acts, he didn't say anything that bad"...well, how ‘bout we talk about Lou Reed then. In the early 70's, Lou Reed had his only solo hit with the raunchy "Walk on the wild side", and while I don't really care for the song, it is one of the most off-color songs in the history of music. "Holly came from Miami, F-L-A, Hitchhiked her way across the U-S-A, Plucked her eyebrows on the way, Shaved her legs, Then he was a she, She says hey babe, take a walk on the wild side" Again, another song about a transvestite, but the difference between this song and Lola, is that Lola doesn't have this line:" Candy came from out on the island, In the back room she was everybody's darlin', But she never lost her head, Even when she was givin' head". Never thought you'd hear in a 70's song, did you? Well I hate to surprise you, but the 70's were the decade that had the most vulgarity. (In music I mean)

Probably the band that was the most vulgar was the one band that your parents were afraid to let you listen to, no I don't mean the Bay city rollers, I mean the Rolling Stones! The Rolling Stones might have single handedly offended women more than any other pop act in history (And Mick Jagger probably laided them all). The Stones had more off-color lyrics than you can imagine! Lets take for example, the title track off their amazing album "Let it bleed". "Yeah, we all need someone we can dream on, And if you want it, baby, well you can dream on me, Yeah, we all need someone we can cream on, And if you want to, well you can cream on me.... Take my arm, take my leg, oh baby don't you take my head, Yeah, we all need someone we can bleed on, Yeah, and if you want it, baby, well you can bleed on me...bleed it alright, bleed it alright, you can be my rider, you can cum all over me...you can cum all over me, bleed it alright, baby cum all over me" I have called this song the single most vulgar song in history...."She said, "My breasts, they will always be open, Baby, you can rest your weary head right on me, And there will always be a space in my parking lot, When you need a little coke and sympathy"" Now show me a rap song that says that! The stones have so many off-color songs, and I can name about 50 more, but I'm just going to do two more: ‘Honky tonk woman" "I met a gin soaked bar room queen in Memphis, she tried to take me upstairs for a ride, she had to heave me right across her shoulders, but I just cant seem to drink her off my mind", and "Little T&A", which is off their 1982 album "Tattoo you". The stones are the kings of sexual innuendos. (and Mick is the king of paternity tests!)

Now, I can go on forever about songs that have off-color lines, I'm just gunna name a few more: Led Zeppelin's "The lemon song": "Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg, The way you squeeze my lemon, I'm gonna fall right out of bed."... Plus, ‘Trampled under foot" and "Black Dog" as well by Zep.... Basically the whole song "Bobby Brown" by Frank Zappa: "Women's Liberation Came creepin' across the nation, I tell you people I was not ready, When I f*cked this d*ke by the name of Freddie She made a little speech then, Aw, she tried to make me say "when" She had my balls in a vice, but she left the d*ck, I guess it's still hooked on, but now it shoots too quick". I could post that whole song here, but it would take up way too much space..."Double shot of my baby's love" by the Swingin' medallions: "What happened to me last night That girl of mine, she loved me so right (yeah!) (oh, oh) She loved me so long and she loved me so hard, I finally passed out in her front yard (whoo!), It wasn't wine that I had too much of It was a double shot of my baby's love"...also, "Abracadabra" by the Steve Miller Band, "Big ten inch record" by Aerosmith, and of course everybody's favorite, "Walk this way" by Aerosmith, with its unclear lyrics. We actually had a whole conversation on the message board about what "walk this way" actually meant, and you'd be surprised at the amount of people that actually didn't know. (and the conversation that started it, I think it was someone's question if Nora Jones' "Don't know why" was about sexual dysfunction...which honestly, it could be)

And you might think that soft rock is excluded from this, well you were wrong again. Here's Jefferson Starships romantic power ballad "Miracles":"I got a taste of the real world when I went down on you babe", and of course Neil Diamond's ode to his penis, "Longfellow serenade": "ride, c'mon baby ride, let me make your dreams come true, Ill sing my song, let me make it warm for you".... see, nothing is safe! (my grandmother loves Neil Diamond, and whenever I hear her playing this song, I break out in laughter)

Now I just posted numerous lyrics about sex that are found in classic rock songs, there are about fifty million other songs that could fit in here as well, but what about other controversial things in music....There are about a million and one songs about drugs in classic rock, from "Sweet leaf" to ‘mother's little helper" to "Puff the magic dragon" to "dazed and confused"(as well as about another million written while on drugs...i.e. "walk this way"), and there are about 100 songs about getting drunk, from "Margaritaville" to "lets get drunk and screw", so im not going to put any lyrics to those up here, but what about other things, like rape, and beating up your girlfriends and the such, well.... "Bobby brown" again:" I got a cheerleader here wants to help with my paper, Let her do all the work 'n' maybe later I'll rape her"...there are about 50 more on this too, but I'm too lazy to try to remember them...

A little while ago, I asked one of my friends about this subject. I asked him if he could think of some dirty rock songs. With a disgusted look, he refused to answer, he said, "Billy, its Rock and roll, it's meant to be dirty, if its not, then they aren't doing it right". Truer works have not been spoken. From Elvis and Chuck Berry back in the 50's, Rock and Roll has been an outlet for people's filthy minds..It's been where rock stars could channel their sexual ideas (unlike with the groupies with which they apply their ideas)...Rock and roll was always meant to be dirty and controversial, that was the point...

I hope after reading this, you would never look at a rap song the same way again...they're nothing compared to the real shocking stuff...unlike rock, rap wasn't originally about controversy, rap was about showing urban problems within black society (i.e. "The message"-Grand Master Flash and the furious five, circa 1981). Rap is like Rocks younger brother that tries to emulate it, but doesn't do it well enough...you can still see the difference. Rappers think their tough and all they think they've got balls for raping about the things they do, well, Id like to show them who's really got balls, Id say its John Sebastian and Godley and Crème for naming their groups (The lovin' spoonful and 10CC respectively) after terms used in blues music for ejaculated seamen! Bet you didn't know that! (Bet the writers of "Welcome back Kotter" didn't either!)

So the next time that you hear "F*** the police" by Public enemy, think, which is more a shock to hear these days, Chuck D raping about how bad cops are, or a rock star almost as old as your grandpa singing about molesting his deaf, dumb, and blind nephew who likes to play pinball? (Sorry Pete, it was too easy)...think about it

As always,

-Billy Florio

PS: Seriously, I didn't know what "You aint seen nothin' till your down on a muffin" meant till like 2 years ago!

Read my parodies...and vote!