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Song Parodies -> "The Cigarettes"

Original Song Title:

"The Elements (live)"

Original Performer:

Tom Lehrer

Parody Song Title:

"The Cigarettes"

Parody Written by:

Red Ant

The Lyrics

DKTOS? The live version is here. (It's basically 2/3 of the Major-General's Song, sans choruses, with a spoken part in the middle). Have fun trying to sing this!
[37 second intro]

"...This is simply the names of tobacco's chemicals,
set to a readily recognizable tune."

There's Ammonia, Hydrazine (that is rocket fuel), Acetaldehyde
Aromatic Nitrohydrocarbons, Arsenic, Formaldehyde
Nickel, Cadmium, Urethane, Quinoline, CO, Turpertine
Rum, Polonium, Thymol, Tannic Acid, Tar, and Cyanide
Triacetin, 4-(para-Hydroxyphenyl)-2-Butanone
5,7-dihydro-2-methylthieno-pyrimidone
Valerian Root Extract, oil, powder, and 3,4-Xylenol
{gasp!}
All these chemicals make me dizzy; I could use a Tylenol!

There's thiazole and 2,3,5,6-Tetramethylpyrazine
Propionic Acid, Menthol, Maltol, 1-Phenylalanine
Solanone, 5,6,7,8-Tetrahydroquinoxaline
Think it would be safer if I was smokin' leaded gasoline!

"Isn't that a lungful?
Don't worry; it's all good!
I hope you're all packing smokes,
because there's gonna be an intermission soon!"

Three sisters: Methyl, Ethyl, Isobutyl Phenylacetate
Maltyl Isobutyrate and Methyl Dihydrojasmonate
Myristaldehyde, tannic acid, and Phenenthyl Alcohol
Thiazol, Piperonal, Glycerol, Farnesol (that's not all!)
There's Benzyls: Benzoate, Butyrate, Cinnamate, Propionate
Benzoic Acid, resins, Buchu Leaf and Bornyl Acetate
coke, cocoa, caffeine, coconut oil, cubeb, whoa!, that's a lot to say!
{gasp!} Try getting off 6-Acetoxydihydrotheaspirane!

There's Sulfur, Palmitic Acid, Anise, Pyrrole, and Nonanone
You have no clue as how to pronounce these? Hell, you are not alone!
But I figure that you should know what's in a single cigarette
Simply reading the warning labels you might not know what you get

All these ingredients! I don't know exactly what they mean
But what I know is some are dying for their fix of nicotine!
copyright 2006+ Jack "Red Ant" Fletcher

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 29

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   1
 1
 1
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   4
 2
 2
 
 5   24
 26
 26
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

alvin rhodes - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
wow...you really did your homework on this one...impressive
Dee Range - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
This would make a great gag video....after finishing this at the piano and gasping for air like in the OS, the singer would light up a cig....nice job here, Red Ant, rhyming all those ingredients must have been a nightmare!
John Barry - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Butt-fiendishly clever. Bravo!
Red Ant - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Many Marlboro Miles (thank yous) to Alvin, Dee, and John. Two notes: "Acetaldehyde" is five syllables, so contracting "that is" will help pace that line, and I misspelled "turpentine". Oh well...
Jason - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
A smokingly-good song! 544
Matthias - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
This was (cough, hack, wheeze) the good sh*t!!!
Stephen Harrington - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
555.
Agrimorfee - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Jesus Christ, Red, you are killing me! 555
AFW - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
A chemical opera...great job
Jack Wilson - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Awesome job! 555!
Yoidy - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
All I can say is mein gott! That's why I choke on secondary smoke. 555
Rick D - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
Brilliant! Proud to be in your company
Joel Martinez - November 17, 2006 - Report this comment
can't.......stop........laughing.......(takes a gun and shoots himself, with his last words being , something about three fives)
Tam - November 18, 2006 - Report this comment
5's all around yet again Jack! Now I must go out for a smoke!!!
Marlborough Man - November 18, 2006 - Report this comment
I resemble this parody and posthumously approve!
Rick C - November 21, 2006 - Report this comment
Wow! Genius at work here:-) As mentioned above, it must have been painstaking work to rhyme all of those chemicals. I like the "Three sisters" line especially.
Red Ant - November 22, 2006 - Report this comment
Many thanks to Jason, Matthias, Step-chan, Agrimorfee, AFW, Jack W, Yoidy, Rick D, Joel, Tam, Marlborough Man, and Rick C. Rick Duncan: It is I who have joined your company as one of the few to tackle this song.
Agrimorfee - December 11, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) A high vote getter just for all the research...
Cat - December 19, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) YIKES. I couldn't even begin to pronounce those. But there were quite a lot of great lines!
Max Power - December 20, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM-Good
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - December 25, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - I'll take your word that this fits the OS, or I'll have to put a band aid around my tongue for weeks. The bonus irony of this song is that the lyrics wouldn't even fit on a pack of cigarettes, but possibly on the outside of a terminal tumor.
bobpiecheese - December 26, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I TRIED to have singing to it, but I couldn't pronounce them! Wonderfully unhealthy parody, Doctor Ant!
Kristof Robertson - December 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) 5s just for daring to do something so mind-numbingly verbose!
Phil Alexander - December 27, 2006 - Report this comment
I feel a right pedant pointing this out, Jack, but in too many places you've got too many syllables when a slight reordering would have made it work much better (at least, in the first verse - the second half, especially the "three sisters" couplet is spot on). It's a great concept, but to be honest I'm a little disappointed as I know that you can do better.
Red Ant - December 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks for all the votes/comments so far. Phil, you are correct in that the first two lines have 17 syllables vs the correct 16. I addressed the first line error in my 11-17 comment (I kept wanting to pronounce "Acetaldehyde" as "ah-CELL-da-HYDE" instead of its proper way, hence the syllable difference). As for the second line, the "a" in "Aromatic" has to be sung as a cue note. The "coke..." line is a syllable over, that is, unless you pronounce "coconut" as "coke-nut" (i.e., incorrectly, but dialectically correct in the South), or drop the first word.

Thanks for the praise and constructive criticism, and noticing the off-lines; trying to pronounce all these words and get the emphasis right was, not suprisingly, the hardest part of the write.
tomario - December 28, 2006 - Report this comment
well i think we will all ace the next chemistry test ! nice work 555
The Charnstar - December 28, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) That was freaking crazy go nuts... How did you even think of so many words? My head is sore from all the big words I don't know... like Phenylalanine, Butyrate, Alcohol, There's and of. 5-5-5
Jack Wilson - December 28, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above! 555
Michael McVey - December 29, 2006 - Report this comment
Obviously taken from a list of ingredients. Very well-done rebuke to the over-use of chemicals in consumer products.---MM
Stuart McArthur - December 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) another one I missed! - sorry Jack! - again a brilliant idea, and brilliantly done - the OS just goes so fast that there was no way I was going to try to evaluate your pacing as i was trying to keep up, so you get the 5s on total and complete and degree-of-difficulty trust! - and the adlib lines were very nicely done too - it also benefits from imagining it being sung with Tom Lehrer's dry delivery - 555
Red Ant - December 29, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks Tomario, Charnstar, Jack W, Michael M, and Stu. MM: Actually, about 5 "lists" were needed to make this parody. Stu: I've tried singing this; the pronounciations aren't that hard with practice (memorizing this is another matter), but I can only get up to about 80% of Tom Lehrer's speed. I'll need a tongue transplant to get the other 20%! (He sings it probably a good third faster than the PoP version of the "Major-General's Song", so I'm not doing too bad!)
wannabemustangjockey - December 29, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - "Surgeon General's Warning: Singing about cigarettes may be hazardous to your health, especially if done to the tune of the 'Major-General's Song'."
Johnny D - December 30, 2006 - Report this comment
GASP! 555 MILLIGRAMS OF MYLAUGHCANTHYDE!
Glen S - December 31, 2006 - Report this comment
The more you know... Doo Dum Dee Daaaaa...

And agreed about your singing comment, Red. Is that seriously all the ingredients?
Tim Mayfield - December 31, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This one's going on my favorites list!!! Wonderfully done!
Red Ant - January 07, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks Jay, Johnny D, Glen and Tim. 2nz: If I listed every ingredient, this parody would be about 20 times longer than it is...
MasonR - January 09, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM: You get 555's from me just because you list all the crap in cigarettes (but extra credit for doing an incredible job)!
Spaff.com - January 31, 2007 - Report this comment
Sssssssmokin'!

I happen to be a big fan of 5,7-dihydro-2-methylthieno-pyrimidone. And rum.
Rick C - March 06, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTY) The line "There's Benzyls: Benzoate, Butyrate, Cinnamate, Propionate" made me laugh, then cry, then choke suddenly. I don't know how you ever came up with this but, it's still brilliant.
Below Average Dave - March 07, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTY) Well, Red Ant this is the second parody by you I've read in this SOTY contest, I think that I liked Battle Hymn better, but this one was good too. . .There are so many entries I think next year we should consider having everyone who has a qualifying song choose which was their best. . .So much to remember. . .but I'm trying.
Matthias - March 15, 2007 - Report this comment
I agree with Dave on this not being your best, even since you did tell me that you weren't sure about even submitting this for SOTM, but I did love the whole spoken part in the middle and the line, "Think it would be safer if I was smokin' leaded gasoline!"
wannabemustangjockey - March 24, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTY - I tried to pace this and just about died. Emphysema? Nah. Just lack of breath from trying to pronounce everything. That and asthma.
Red Ant - May 12, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks Spaff, Rick, Dave, Matthias and Jay.

Spaff: I was a bit surprised to find "rum" listed as an ingrdient. Must be "Captain Morgue Inn's" rum.

Rick: This idea came by a title sub brainstorming session.

Dave: I liked "Battle Hymn..." better as well, mainly because I can sing that one.

Jay: I haven't taken a stab at recording this in a while... no guarantees that I will, but 911 is only a phone call away, lol.

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