I called you 'cause I need you, my brain's on fire
You've gotta see, gotta see I'm no liar
Ooh, you've gotta see my weird fam'ly history
It's not a thing most folks bother with these days, well, at least
Not anyone I know, coat of arms would be neat
Mmm, but your jaw will drop once you see the crap I've got, buddy

'Cause this is my crest, it's an absolute mess
This is not what I'd don, put upon my shield or chest
Each and ev'ry part does not mesh with the rest, it's lame
I may sound harsh, buddy, you've just not seen it yet

The supporters are a boar on a spit, apple in its face
And a pile of dead frogs, it's an odd display
The escutcheon is also shaped wrong, pretty sure that's an asshole gape

How is this my crest? It's an absolute mess
When my dad had let on that we've got our own, I wept
Ooh, I love fancy art, a legacy I could display
Oh, but this is arse, no, no, no, buddy, I would rather be dead

I'm getting queasy as I look at it more
The colours are painful, abhorrent décor
And what is that thing they've used for a torse?
Oh, buddy, that's just coarse

Oh, what a crest, it's an absolute mess
Helmet looks really dumb, it's a bucket, I don't kid
Ooh, there isn't one part that doesn't look real out of place
Oh, feel the shame hard, no, no, buddy, there's no spirits to lift
Hate my crest

Oh, how is this my crest? It's an absolute mess
I would not end up shocked if it was made on a bet
But then to keep on with it and pass it to the present day
Oh, that's simply wrong, no, no, buddy, in all ways, it is shit
Oh, what a crest, it's an absolute mess
The compartment is just rotting lumps of cheese and bricks
Oh, what a crest