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Song Parodies -> "Pedophilia!"

Original Song Title:

"Thriller"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Michael Jackson

Parody Song Title:

"Pedophilia!"

Parody Written by:

Spaff.com

The Lyrics

It's plausible that the accuser and his family are a bunch of lying, opportunistic scumbags trying to extort an old friend. Still, if I ever gain massive wealth and fame and then use it to indulge an icky obsession with pubescent boys, I hope y'all will write songs like this about me.
It's close to midnight
There's pretty young things in the 'musement park
I kill the floodlights
To get their butts inside out of the dark
They start to scream
I'm such a saint I'll send someone to save them
Oh what a dream
My guards bring back an underage surprise
He's just my size!

It's pedophilia!
Here tuh-night
The way you make me feel will earn some gifts from Uncle Mike
It's pedophilia!
Real duh-light
So drink your Jesus Juice and let me
Thrill ya!
Feel ya!
Tonight!

I'm gettin' old, man
But nothing hides your age like youthful love
You feel my cold hand
And understand my reason for the glove
You close your eyes
And hope I wanna NOT be startin' somethin'
What will arise?
Don't worry 'cause I'm watching your behind
Could you watch mine?

It's pedophilia!
We'll survive
Why else would Mama ditch you with a freak who's 45?
Spill yer (ooh hoo)
Miller Lite
I'll grab another can and help ful-
Fill ya
Till yer
Buzzed right!

Stay overnight and I'll show you what's white and what's black on me
I've got the touch - I can do lots of stuff that's divine
(Miracle time)
Watch me change Coke into wine
Ooh!

Why are you sul-kin'?
Big boys are brave and look how much you've grown
Macauley Cul-kin
Spent many nights here in my Home Alone
So don't you cry
Yes you and I can cuddle close together
All through the night
I'll whisper "Beat It" - that's my favorite song
There's nothing wrong

With pedophilia!
Will ya lie
And tell that mean D.A. that I'm a really rather large guy?
Will ya (ooh hoo)
Kill the lights
'Cause I just can't stop loving you, I'll
Thrill ya!
Feel ya!
Grill ya!
Drill ya!
Here tonight!

'Cause pedophilia
Feels just fine
Boy stick with me I'm sure we'll get our names back in the headlines
Squeal yer (ooh hoo)
Real delight
The boy is mine tonight so let me
Feel ya!
Thrill ya!
Oowww!

(I'm gonna do ya tonight)

[Spoken bit by Vincent Bugliosi, er, Price:]

Darkness falls in Neverland
The big hand's on the little hand
Screw the hyperbaric suite
It's time for adolescent meat

He'll pour some California wine
And share some stuff he found online
Then read tales to his favorite teen
From "Barely Legal" magazine

(I'm gonna do ya tonight)
(Pedophilia!)
(Hee hee!)
(Blah blah blah)

It's true his face is not at all
The one he had on "Off the Wall"
He dangles kids from balconies
And left his wives for chimpanzees

It's clearly whacked, the life he has
And all that stuff should chill ya
But nothing's quite as creepy as
The fear of PEDOPHILIA!

[Girlish man-boy giggle - in deep echo]

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.5

Total Votes: 92

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 7
 8
 
 2   2
 1
 0
 
 3   5
 4
 4
 
 4   11
 7
 10
 
 5   67
 73
 70
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

DKTOS? - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
For those who live in a cave and Don't Know The Original Song, it's temporarily available at spaff.com/dktos
John Barry - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Lot of work here. Great job!
Royce Miller - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
it's interesting to speculate on just what will happen in this case, like they say, "the circus of the century"....I'd rather be poor and unknown, myself (doing well with that at the moment)
Johnny D - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
This parody is a MASTERPIECE (KA-CHING!), but I gotta tell ya, Mighty Spaff, I wish I could use "(Blah blah blah)" as effectively as YOU do! 5's, of course --- I ain't kidding, unlike a certain ridiculously famous alleged member of the species Homo Rapiens.
Jack Wilson - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
LOL!!!!!!! THIS WAS HILARIOUS SPAFF!!!! Loved it! BTW Kudos on your 100th parody!:D
Red Ant - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Can't vote on this as I do not remember TOS very well, and if I voted on funny even giving a 1 would be too much credit as (acused) child molesters are some of the worst, but great job and gratz on 100 here as well.
Phil Alexander - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Ouch!
Guy - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
What Johnnie D said - We ain't seen nothin' like the mighty Spaff. Will Robert Lund be doing this one? I'd love to get a listen to this. Flawless execution.
Johnny D - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Hey, yeah, that's right --- congratulations on your 100th Amiright parody posting, Spaff!
alvin rhodes - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
even more horrifying than the original...5s
Kristof Robertson - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
I think I should be Gavin you fives for this (*sound of tumbleweeds as joke falls flat*)...brilliant as always, Spaffmeister! 555
Stuart McArthur - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
wow! that's just top-notch stuff - sulkin/culkin made me LOL - I'm on my knees to this one, and I haven't even finished my jesus juice yet - 555
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - March 16, 2005 - Report this comment
Gotta love the jingle of his Jacko Bell!
*sound of chirping giraffes being beaten up by tumbleweeds*
Another classic, Spaff. I'm a sucker for choruses that change brilliantly each time.
A real SUCKER. *eerily begins stroking Spaff's chest*
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 17, 2005 - Report this comment
The sulkin'/culkin & balconies/chimpanzees rhymes are alone worth 5s. :-)
Agrimorfee - March 17, 2005 - Report this comment
OH-- MY-- GOD. What a way to enter song #100!This one crumples up all previous MJ scandal parodies up into a ball, chews them up and spits them out. I see a SOTM win in your future. 555
Melhi - March 17, 2005 - Report this comment
The Melhi Times calls this parody "Fall down, gasp for breath funny!" and the Melhican Sun raves, "Evil is SUCH a good color on Spaff!" :)
Claude Prez - March 17, 2005 - Report this comment
Not to gloat, but I just knew you had a jacko parody cookin. I also knew it would totally rule, and I even knew for sure it would contain the phrase "Jesus Juice". Yeah, I'm gloating. This so NEEDS to be recorded.
HERE IS ROBERT LUND'S RECORDING - March 23, 2005 - Report this comment
http://www.spaff.com/poesy/pedophilia.html
Spaff.com - March 23, 2005 - Report this comment
At the urging of Claude Prez's attorneys, I must point out that the "blah blah blah" was stolen from his "Three-way":
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/franksinatra76.shtml
and the "Beat It" gag was stolen from his comments here:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/germantraditional1.shtml
OK? Can we drop the suit?

Now then. Thanx, Johnglebarry & Royce-a-Ryni (me too) & Johnny DD (see legal disclaimer) & Philbo & scholar rhodes & Stuartiste & Ralphing Luke (yikes) & PeterCHYD & Aggro & Mello!

Local Celebrity & Red Aunt & Johnny DD: 100 pales in comparison to other recent milestones, like Alvin's 400 and Royce's 400 and MP's 600 and RAD's 700, but it is very cool of you to notice. Thanx!

Kristof: I honestly had to Google your joke because the accuser's name is not used in the US press. Now that I get it, I wish I didn't. Heh heh.

GD'R & C4P: Recording? Did you say something about wanting a recording? Well, then...
http://www.spaff.com/poesy/pedophilia.html
Tim Hall - March 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Fabulous!
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 25, 2005 - Report this comment
So the name Gavin isn't given in the US press huh? That kinda explains why my parody with his name in the title got a lot less votes and comments than any other MJ parody I've written. (Of course it could also be that the parody totally sucks, always an alternative) :-)

http://www.amiright.com/parody/misc/southpark0.shtml
Alyssa - March 26, 2005 - Report this comment
That was amazing, theres nothing more to say 555
Spaff.com - March 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx, Tim and Alyssa!
PeterCHYD: Honestly. I didn't know what Kristof was on about. (It's a good thing we Yanks have the rest of the world to lift up our skirts for us.) I'll happily check yours out - with a URL like that it must be good.
Guy - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above comments. I heard MJ was going to name you as a character witness in his trial just so you'd have to quit writing parody about him.
Charlie Decker - April 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is an official order: Stop being so good. Now. Give everyone else a chance.
Rex - April 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I hear NAMBLA is adopting this as their new anthem.
Melhi - April 16, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) (Already commented on the text lyrics, so....) Love the recording!
Adagio - April 16, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) 5's
Rick C - April 17, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Both the parody and the recording are brilliant!! 555
Agrimorfee - April 19, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) see above
Johnny D - April 20, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above.
Scathe - April 27, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm not a fan of sex-related humor. I only listened to the recording simply to here Robert Lund's Jacko impersonation.
Jeff Reuben - April 28, 2005 - Report this comment
Well done, getting ready to listen to the recording =)
Stuart McArthur - April 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) see above - still fantastic, esp. the detail and the Vincent Price stuff
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - April 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Still brilliant. Still arousing.
Brian Hamilton - April 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Excellent!! Great work. Wierd Al would be envious :-)
Claude Prez - April 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Hey, cool, I asked for a recording and there it was. "Shakespearian Pie" SO needs to be recorded....Oh, yeah, the song was outstanding as usual, chock full-o-fun references (like you needed anyone to think of "Beat It" for you-- yeah right). "Sulkin'/ Culkin" is a great rhyme, and "the big hand is on the little hand" is awesome. There are more but I gotta go to sleep some time. Great stuff as always.
John Jenkins - April 30, 2005 - Report this comment
"Why else would Mama ditch you with a freak who's 45?" That is the question. I have tried to ignore this trial, but I enjoyed the MP3 and this parody seems to give it the perspective it deserves.
Jordan (Mike Armstrong) - May 01, 2005 - Report this comment
"startin' something" HAHAHAHAHAHA! (SOTM) great one man.
Tim Mayfield - May 01, 2005 - Report this comment
I have some Jackson 5's around here for you somewhere...
Arwen - May 02, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--if you weren't such a damned good writer, I'd be getting the creeps from the subject matter...but there you go...making me giggle about gaggy stuff. Bastard.
Spaff.com - May 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx, GD'R & Sgt Decker & Wrecks & Melhi Priestess & Patagio & Ricksy & Aggro & Johnny BD & Scathing Hot Sex Fan & Jeffaroo & s2art & Ralphing Luke & Tad (er, Brian) & C4P (I steal from the best) & Johnkins & Stretch Armstrong & Tim Aprilfield & Sister Even(ba)star(d)! The next round of Jesus Juice is on me!
ludaKris42602 - May 27, 2005 - Report this comment
That wuz hot!....wish my parodies were that good.
Steven Cavanagh - May 31, 2005 - Report this comment
So smooth it's criminal.
MARCH 2005 SONG OF THE MONTH SILVER MEDAL - June 04, 2005 - Report this comment
http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=3009.0;id=6071;image
Spaff.com - June 11, 2005 - Report this comment
ludaKris: Thanks, but don't set your sights so low.

Stevenagh: The doggone *groan* is mine.

Johnny BD: Thanks for the medal. I wear it nonstop.
leon witton and robyn - June 16, 2005 - Report this comment
rudolph the rednose reindeer had a very shiney nose he had a roll of 20 and whatever colombia grows all of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names cuz he looked like daniela westbrooke when his nose fell off his face
Matthias - June 21, 2005 - Report this comment
Spaff, BEAT IT!!! You're just too funny.
Spaff.com - June 29, 2005 - Report this comment
leon & robyn: Indubitably.
Matthias: Props again to Claude Prez for that one. Thanx!
butterflies - August 11, 2005 - Report this comment
NOT GUILTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spaff.com - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
butterflies: But not exactly innocent, either.
Yet Another Dutchman - October 21, 2005 - Report this comment
I like your use of old Michael Jackson song titles in this ("Beat It", LOL). A lot of Michael Jackson parodies only use one aspect of MJ to ridicule, and go on and on about it... You used all of them. The glove, the white/black thing... This was not a dull read. 555
Spaff.com - November 05, 2005 - Report this comment
YAD: That was not a dull comment. And, yes, more kudos to Claude for the best line in the song.
SisterGirl - November 10, 2005 - Report this comment
You are one twisted dude. I like.
Angie - December 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Very... scary... but great all the same ^^
Agrimorfee - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 05) Still a classic, but you outdid yourself later on...
Red Ant - March 11, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005 SOTY) Well, I've changed my guidelines on funny since my original post but I'm afraid 523 is the best I can do given the subject matter (I read your top comment and the recording is very good). Sorry.
Spaff.com - July 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Belated thanx, Angie & SisterGirl & Aggro (again)!

Red: I've changed my guidelines on thanking people for comments so I'm afraid that a single thank (rather than plural thanks) is the best I can do.
Chiara - September 24, 2006 - Report this comment
I don't like it.He's not guilty,didnt you know?
Spoof-Man - October 06, 2006 - Report this comment
I love it!!! I got just one question Spaff, What is Jesus Juice!! I heard in a nothere Jackson parody so I was just wondering...
Spaff.com - October 16, 2006 - Report this comment
Chiara: But not exactly innocent, either.

Spoof-Man: One of the things MJ was accused of was serving wine to minors, calling it "Jesus Juice." Which just goes to prove that without the tabloidization of what was once the real news, we'd miss out on some really great stuff.
Spoof-Man - October 24, 2006 - Report this comment
Oh, well now that's out great thing to slander him with....agian GREAT JOB!!!
Spaff.com - December 12, 2006 - Report this comment
Spoof:
Thanks.
--Spaff
IceBreaker - June 10, 2007 - Report this comment
Oh this is so cool, thank you! Funny stuff! And I'm speaking from a comedian point of view; adding all of his wierdness into one song. Like I like!!!
Spaff.com - August 18, 2007 - Report this comment
IceBreaker: Thank I thank!!! And I'm speaking from a non-comedian point of view.
Russ - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Too sick to be demented
Spaff.com - August 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Dementia's fun
This song is sick
Ya wanna take a ride on the Jackson stick?
sofie - October 28, 2009 - Report this comment
WTF is this crap! i hate it.. and btw, MICHAEL STILL IS INNOCENT!! ..f*** off..
Sofie - October 28, 2009 - Report this comment
yea, i could GLADLY take a ride on the Jackson stick! my god! michael is the sexiest, hottest, cutest ma EVER! and omg. he have THE BEST personality.. he's just 2 nice! so damn.,.. let him rest in peace!!
Spaff.com - October 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Not to discourage you, Sofie, but taking a ride on a dead man's stick is illegal in 43 states.
bill - February 21, 2010 - Report this comment
this was great and the song you should parody ABC by the jackson 5
Spaff.com - February 25, 2010 - Report this comment
Bill: Check out "OMG" by Project Sisyphus:
http://thefump.com/fump.php?id=1265

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