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Song Parodies -> "Bert's No Good"

Original Song Title:

"Hurts So Good"

Original Performer:

John Cougar Mellencamp

Parody Song Title:

"Bert's No Good"

Parody Written by:

Spaff.com

The Lyrics

[The Count:] "One - Two - Three - THREE! Ah ah ah!"

When I was a young boy
I always grooved on - Sess-mee Street
Now that I'm gettin' older so much older
I've learned the place ain't so sweet
Elmo's hooked on glue
Bob's in rehab too
Lord knows just what Grover went through, baby
To turn him blue

But here's the worst of all...

Bert's no good
Even Ernie says that
[Ernie:] "Bert's no good!"
Sometimes Oscar's misunderstood
But baby
Bert's no good

(He) Don't practice safe sex or religion
He hides explosives in that unibrow of his (yeah)
I caught him once doin' the pigeon
All snockered up on - Figgy Fizz
I saw in plain view
His bin Laden tattoo
Watch the Muppet News Flash news, baby
They call him Deep Throat 2

He's quite the yellow one...

Bert's no good
Even Grover says that
[Grover:] "Bert's no good!"
Sometimes Kermit pimps in da hood
But dang it
Bert's no good

Don't stand close when he's brewing
Oatmeal, or leave crumbs in bed
And don't ask what he's doing
Upstairs with those - bottle caps - all day long
Bottle caps - all day long

[Elmo:] "Huh?"

Bert's no good
Even Cookie says that
[Cookie Monster:] "BERT NO GOOD"
Sometimes Snuffy bitch-slaps Big Bird
But baby
Bert's no good

Bert's no good (Come on Ernie now)
Even Yoda says that
[Yoda:] "No good, Bert is!"

[Awkward pause]

Sometimes rhymes don't work like they should
The point is
Bert's no good

[Bert laughs. Evilly.]

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 32

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 3
 3
 
 2   0
 1
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 1
 
 4   1
 0
 0
 
 5   28
 28
 28
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

2LD4U - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Very good parody! I will sing this on Saturday at The Church Of Bert & Ernie!
Stuart McArthur - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
gee, I gotta pay that show a bit more attention - and he can be "Deep Throat 1" now if he wants, after todays news/abdication - brilliant and dry as ever Spaff - 555
Arwen - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
"He hides explosives in that unibrow of his..." LOL!
Chuck A. Spear - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
First David goes berserk- now Bert! This was a perfectly crafted work of art! I wrote-in three 10's! "Lord knows just what Grover went through, baby To turn him blue"- LOL! Instant parody of the month!
John Barry - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Sesame Sweet. Let's count to 15.
Leo Jay - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Hilarious. Great job.
alvin rhodes - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
funny as hell...oops, shouldn't say "hell" when talkin' sesame street
Billy Boyd - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
I'm having to try very hard to keep from busting out laughing because I'm in a library now...but this was awesomely funny. 5's and then some.
Rick C - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Great stuff! 555
Dee Range - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Damn, this shows some promise, Spaff. Keep working on it, you're heading in the right direction :-). Seriously, no wonder mom never let me watch this show, being filled with such nefarious characters. Who woulda thunk it, huh?
Johnny D - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Why am I having naughty thoughts about Mary Poppins now? Heh heh heh.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
It's not easy being... blue? :-)
Steven Cavanagh - June 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Yoda's line (the line following it, really) was a real corker. Brought to you by the number 5. Have you submitted it to bertisevil.com?
Jeff Reuben - June 02, 2005 - Report this comment
I figured this might be inspired by bertisevil.com..excellent job as always!
Inferno714 - June 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Yo, dude! That was so awesome! I haven't watched the show in years, but your song was hilarious! 5-5-5!
Michael Pacholek - June 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Holy cow! I wish I'd thought of this! This comment is brought to you by the Number 5!
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 02, 2005 - Report this comment
I've had a renaissance with Sesame Street the past few months. Great as usual. "5s! Ah-ah-ahhh!"
Spaff.com - June 02, 2005 - Report this comment
Wow, thanks, everyone, especially [YOUR NAME HERE]. I gotta admit I didn't expect this kind of reaction.

Johnny BD: As that other Bert would say, "Just a spoonful of liquor helps the nanny babe go down. In the most delightful way."

Stevenagh & Jeffaroo: The original "Bert is Evil" site no longer exists, but it indirectly inspired this parody (which I've had on the drawing board for a long time). That site set in motion one of my favorite true stories EVER - the one of Bert appearing on a pro-Taliban poster with bin Laden. If y'all haven't read about it, you MUST - it's one of those unbelievable urban legends that actually happened:
http://www.snopes.com/rumors/bert.htm
Jack Wilson - June 17, 2005 - Report this comment
OMG I LOVED IT! 555!
Spaff.com - July 03, 2005 - Report this comment
Local Celebrity: Ernie and I thank you for your unwavering support.
Matthias - July 25, 2005 - Report this comment
I guess I didn't vote on this one. Another great one from Spaffame Street.
Spaff.com - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx, Matthias. Stay tuned for "Me Know It Only Cookie Dough But Me Like It."
Jack Wilson - December 12, 2006 - Report this comment
Spaff, I LOVE that cookie dough idea thing, but I guesds we'll never see it :(
tim - February 01, 2010 - Report this comment
Bert also got burned in salem for being a witch too!
Spaff.com - February 08, 2010 - Report this comment
So he was Burt at the stake?

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