[The Count:] "One - Two - Three - THREE! Ah ah ah!"

When I was a young boy
I always grooved on - Sess-mee Street
Now that I'm gettin' older so much older
I've learned the place ain't so sweet
Elmo's hooked on glue
Bob's in rehab too
Lord knows just what Grover went through, baby
To turn him blue

But here's the worst of all...

Bert's no good
Even Ernie says that
[Ernie:] "Bert's no good!"
Sometimes Oscar's misunderstood
But baby
Bert's no good

(He) Don't practice safe sex or religion
He hides explosives in that unibrow of his (yeah)
I caught him once doin' the pigeon
All snockered up on - Figgy Fizz
I saw in plain view
His bin Laden tattoo
Watch the Muppet News Flash news, baby
They call him Deep Throat 2

He's quite the yellow one...

Bert's no good
Even Grover says that
[Grover:] "Bert's no good!"
Sometimes Kermit pimps in da hood
But dang it
Bert's no good

Don't stand close when he's brewing
Oatmeal, or leave crumbs in bed
And don't ask what he's doing
Upstairs with those - bottle caps - all day long
Bottle caps - all day long

[Elmo:] "Huh?"

Bert's no good
Even Cookie says that
[Cookie Monster:] "BERT NO GOOD"
Sometimes Snuffy bitch-slaps Big Bird
But baby
Bert's no good

Bert's no good (Come on Ernie now)
Even Yoda says that
[Yoda:] "No good, Bert is!"

[Awkward pause]

Sometimes rhymes don't work like they should
The point is
Bert's no good

[Bert laughs. Evilly.]