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Song Parodies -> "Total Eclipse of Bernard"

Original Song Title:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Bonnie Tyler

Parody Song Title:

"Total Eclipse of Bernard"

Parody Written by:

Michael Pacholek

The Lyrics

An Amiright epic. Soon to be further spoofed in the film "Amiright Movie." (Note: Before reading this one, look up "My Evil Twin, Naturally" and "He Scared the Nieces.") The final battle begins. Two men enter. Only one can leave alive. In this corner: Michael, the good twin, with his "seconds," Ted Kennedy, Reggie Jackson, Scott Stevens, Greg Schiano, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Arwen. In the other corner: Bernard, the evil twin, with his seconds, Dick Cheney, Keith Hernandez, Mark Messier, Joe Paterno, Paris Hilton and Ann Coulter. (Arwen doesn't write a political column, but I needed a woman who represents Ann's opposite, to counter her pure evil.) There are no spectators. This will be too awful for children to watch, and too childish for adults to watch. I'm braced. Are you?
piano opening)

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit lonely
but it's you who's coming 'round!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit tired
of listening to you drunk from those beers!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit nervous
that the best you have to give is a lie!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit mystified
but then I see that look in your eyes!

(Bernard)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Michael)
Try to tear each other all apart!

(Bernard)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Michael)
Try to tear each other all apart!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit wishful
that I was an only child!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit restful
but I'm roused and need to go take up arms!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit angry
and I know I gotta beat you to ground!

(Bernard)
Turn around!

(Michael)
Every now and then I get a little bit mystified
but then I see that look in your eyes!

(Bernard)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Michael)
Try to tear each other all apart!

(Bernard)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Michael)
Try to tear each other all apart!

(We lunge at each other, and the evil one has the immediate upper hand.)

(Bernard)
I will beat you now tonight!
And I'll beat you worse than ever!
You could never win this fight!
I will rule this mind forever!
'Cause the side is dark and the wing's right!
That could never be wrong!
Together we can fight it 'til the end of the night
but love is gonna fall to hatred all of the time!

(Bernard's seconds)
All of the time!

(Bernard, continuing to flail away)
You don't know what to do! Give in now to the dark!
You're living in the cold, and you can't give off sparks!

(Michael falls to the floor)

(Bernard, pointing down at Michael)
I really beat you tonight!
You'll never rise again tonight!
You'll never rise again to...

(Michael, barely alive)
Once upon a time, I was riding so high.
Now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do.
A total eclipse by Bernard.

(Bernard, as Michael's seconds carry him off)
Once upon a time, you were controlling this life.
Now, I rule, I beat you so hard.
There's nothing you can say!
A total eclipse by Bernard!

(Bernard goes off to enjoy a victory cigar with his seconds,
as Michael's seconds tend to his injuries.
The following is heard over the original song's instrumental break.)

(Ted)
Let's go! He needs socialized medicine! Now!

(Reggie)
I got the adrenaline into him!

(Scott)
You always have.

(Michael, through a swollen face)
I can't see nothin', Catherine, cut me.
Cut me, Catherine, cut me.

(Catherine, unsheathing her "Mrs. Zorro" sword)
Stand back...

(Michael, as she cuts)
Uhhhhhhhh...

(Greg)
That's not the kind of scarlet I like to see.

(Scott)
I got him stabilized, but he's still not moving!

(Arwen)
Leave it to me...

(Greg)
Of course. The antidote to hate is love.

(Catherine)
You're married, Cathy, you're married, you're married...

(Michael, suddenly cured, gets to his feet)
Where... is... he?

(Arwen, pointing)
There! Smoke him!

(Michael walks toward Bernard.)

(Ted)
Amazing. Tell me, Arwen, do you, uh, work on bad backs, too?

(Greg)
This is not the time, Ted.

(Reggie)
Oh, it's the time, all right. Knock him out of the park, Mike!

(Michael, pointing)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Bernard, turning around)
I thought I had torn you all apart!

(Michael)
Turn around, wise guy!

(Bernard)
I thought I had torn you all apart!

(Michael)
I will beat you now tonight!
I will beat you worse than ever!
I am holding your throat tight!

(Bernard)
Arghhh...

(Michael)
And I'll end your threat forever!
Love beats hate and dark can't stand the light!
It could never be wrong!
Together we could take it to the end of the life!
But I'm tired of your shadow hanging all of the time!

(Michael's seconds)
All of the time!

(Michael, pounding away)
I now know what to do, the light will beat the dark!
The warmth will beat the cold! I'll knock you out of the park!

(Bernard drops to the ground)

(Michael)
I finally beat you tonight!
You'll never rise again tonight!
You'll never rise again to...

(Bernard)
Once upon a time, I was riding so high.
Now I'm only falling apart.

There's nothing I can do.
A total eclipse of Bernard.

(As the music tones down, now there's only three people left.
Michael, Bernard and Arwen. All the others have gone.)

(Michael)
Once upon a time, I had you in my life.
Now I'm finally free of canard.
There's nothing you can say!
A total eclipse of Bernard!

A total eclipse of Bernard!

(Michael and Arwen turn around, and walk off into the sunset.
Bernard reaches up with a bloody hand...)

(Bernard, softly)
Turn around, wise guys!

(They don't listen.)

(Bernard, even more softly)
Turn around, wise guys!
Turn around...

(As the notes of the piano fade away, so does he.)
Is this really the end of my evil twin Bernard? Well, you know how it is with movies and soap operas: The monsters tend to come back. Stay tuned...

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.8
How Funny: 4.2
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 1
 1
 
 2   1
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 1
 
 4   0
 1
 0
 
 5   4
 4
 4
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Jason - March 22, 2008 - Report this comment
LOL! Is Bernard Pacholek your actual twin, or just a figment of your imagination!?! 555
Stan Hall - March 22, 2008 - Report this comment
Fully anticipating a total relapse of Bernard. Surely more surely than the South shall he rise again. :-)
Rex - March 23, 2008 - Report this comment
Brilliant! And congrats on 1500!

The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.

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