At the last year's Superbowl,
A breast was flashing like a peep-show,
But no time for reflection:
I'm their latest selection,
And I'm scratching at myself.

Well, it's a crowded place tonight,
And I'm a conspicuous sight!
See, down in my thong
They put three shiny leaves
So I'm scratching at myself.

Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
They made me wash my pits
With poison sumac, and it's
Got me scratching at myself.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Now I can't say why in the world
They'd rather see me than a girl
Who'd show off her chest
And briefly flash a breast,
But I'm scratching at myself.

So they think another wink
At nudity will raise a stink?
If I had the chance,
I'd pick a different dance,
And not be scratching at myself.

Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
If they must abuse me,
Beggars can't be choosy,
So I'm scratching at myself

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Aaah-owww!

[Griping and moaning chorus]

Well, so I'm broadcast to all the world
As this travesty's unfurled!
Please avert your eyes;
Pass this channel by
While I'm scratching at myself.

Yeah, this stinks! That's what I think;
I hope their Nielson ratings sink!
I can feel the ants
Crawling around in my pants;
They've got me scratching at myself.

Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
They paid me in advance
To do this terrible dance;
I've got these fire ants
Crawling around in my pants!
If I had the chance,
I'd kick them all in their pants!

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!

Oh, oh, oh--

[Instrumental]

(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh--)

So I'm watched all over the world
As this travesty's unfurled:
A thousand perverts watchin'
As I'm grabbin' my crotch, an'
I'm a-scratching at myself.

Well, I think this really stinks!
I'll fire my agent methinks,
If I had a chance,
I'd lose my coat and pants
While I'm a-scratching at myself.

Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!
If I had a chance,
I'd lose my coat and pants
--If I had a chance--
Also my underpants
--If I had the chance--
But they might look askance...

(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)
(Oh, oh, oh, oh.)

(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
Oh, ain't this rich?
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
How I itch...
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
How I itch, itch, itch...
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
...itch, itch, itch...
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
...itch, itch, itch...
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
...itch, itch, itch...
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
...itch, itch, itch, itch, itch!
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
Aaah-oow!
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
(Oh, oh, oh, scratching at myself!)
[etc...]