On a warm summer's evening, in a strip bar in Vegas
I met up with a swordsman; (we ain't talkin' Errol Flynn)
A 12 inch living legend, from New York to San Francisco
(And when there's not much goingsome sick stuff in Berlin)

He said "Son, I've made a lifeout of entering warm places
Of gals who speak no English; while I'm watched by twenty guys
If you're gonna be a playah; nailin' babes with vacant faces
Well, it ain't no frat party, so here's my best advice"

So I handed him my bottlebut he said "Son, I've quit boozin'
Coz it's hard to be "upstanding", boy...when you've got brewer's droop
And I've had so much Viagraif you shake me hard, I rattle
Although I'm stiffer than a surfboard, at least it keeps me in the loop"

You gotta know how to use itwhen to unloose it
Know where it's going, budknow when to come
Boy, you can make good moneyif you're ready, willing, able
You don't need to have an IQif you're young and hung

"Every swordsman knows thatthe secret to survive is
Workin' out and eatin' wellor fetish midget flicks
Coz every man's a sinner; but if I'm makin' moolah
I can "do" most anything, son'cept maybe chicks with dicks"

When he stopped sermonisin'.he said to me, while scratchin'
"I'm off to the clinic nowfor my weekly test"
He walked out with his hardnessand man, it got me thinkin'
I'm hung like a chihuahua, but it's prob'ly for the best

You gotta know where to danglefor cam'ra angles
Know when to tie her upand call her "slut"
That Europe-an honeyshe may ride you on the table
But, by heck, she'll be dismountin'when the boss yells "CUT!"

You gotta know when to flip 'erthat LA stripper
Know when to say your linewhen to shut up
You never ask di-rector"Vinnie, what's my motivation?"
He don't wanna see your Branaghyou're just there to shtup!