On a cold dreary morning
He appeared out of nowhere
A man faced with a vampire
Who was heading off to sleep
I saw his nostrils flaring
Could smell I was eating garlic
My morning bagel saved me
From this unnatural creep

He said, Son, I've taken life
But I'd never, ever waste it
And though I could kill you now
Simply could not drink your blood
And though I could spill your life force
I would never get to taste it
For a taste comparison
As bad as drinking mud

So I tossed away my bagel
And I sat down there beside him
Told me 'bout a cute brunette
He'd asked her for a bite
Then he told me 'keep it quiet'
He suffered from depression
He said, If you're gonna be undead, boy
You've got to practice every night

You've got to know where to bite 'em
Know how to frighten
Know how to sleep all day
Hide from the sun
You never bite somebody
Who is very fond of garlic
You should stay away from clerics,
Churches, priests and nuns

Now every slayer knows
The secret to surviving
Is knowing how to play the fool
Keeping tight the lip
Cause every vamp's a killer
And humans are their victims
And the best time to kill them
Track them back to their crypt

Well when he'd finished speaking
The sun was peeking out some
'Fraid of his complexion
He slithered off to sleep
And down into the darkness
I tracked him for one reason
I didn't mention that I brought
A bagel he could keep

You've got to know how to track 'em
Know how to whack 'em
Know when to use a stake
Know when to run
You never cut their head off
Till you've stuffed it full of garlic
Cause you're never safe from vampires
Till the deed is done

You've got to know when to psych 'em
Know when to spike 'em
Know when to call 'em sir
Or call 'em scum
You never 'Count' dead vampires
Till their burning in the courtyard
Holy water from the fountain
And hot burning sun

You got to know when to feed 'em
Know how to bleed 'em
Know when to stalk your prey
Or take some Tums
You never mount your offense
Till they're sleeping in their coffin
They're asleep enough for offing
When the morning comes

You gotta know where to stake 'em
Know when to bake 'em
Know when to pull the drapes
Let in the sun
(fade)