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Song Parodies -> "The Assassin"

Original Song Title:

"The Gambler"

Original Performer:

Kenny Rogers

Parody Song Title:

"The Assassin"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

I was drinking in a tavern
When I caught a whiff of danger
In the corner sat a stranger
He was dressed all in black
He had the eyes of a killer
A nose like a gorilla
And a 'tache like a caterpillar
All in all, he looked a prat

I turned to look away
But he looked up and caught me staring
He said, from the clothes I'm wearing
You can tell I kill to live
And there ain't no use in sassin'
A highly trained assassin
For a taste of your whiskey
Some advice to you I'll give

So I handed him my bottle
And he drank down my last swallow
Then he picked up a throwing knife
Flicked it at the door
And the bar went deathly quiet
Everyone was lookin
He said, if you're going killing, boy
You better know what you're killing for

{Refrain}
You got to know how to track 'em, how to attack 'em
Know how to slit their throats, their blood to spill
And you've gotta know your trade well, learn to handle a blade well
But most of all get paid well for every man you kill

I could see some deadly darts
Tucked into his bandanna
On his back was a katana
Shuriken in his fist
Tucked into his waistband
I couldn't help a-spyin'
A dozen bolts of iron
For the crossbow on his wrist

Wound around his leg
Was a bandage made of denim
Which held a vial of venom
In a casket made of wood
He smiled and shook his head
When I offered him a hand up
But I never saw him stand up
I don't even think he could

{Refrain thrice}

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.1
How Funny: 3.5
Overall Rating: 3.9

Total Votes: 14

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2
 1
 
 2   1
 3
 3
 
 3   3
 0
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 4   3
 4
 3
 
 5   7
 5
 7
 

User Comments

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Larbrokur - September 06, 2003 - Report this comment
For those of us into assassins, this is a most excellent parody. I like the nice narrative feel to it, just like the original, although the sound quality is a little rough. My favourite part is of course the unforgettable: "And you've gotta know your trade well, learn to handle a blade well, But most of all get paid well for every man you kill." Poetic!
Phil Alexander - September 08, 2003 - Report this comment
Thanks, Larbrokur - I think it does take a roleplayer to understand this one. The recording is a bit naff quality-wise (especially when I start supplying my own harmonies), but at the moment I haven't got the time or the kit to do it better.

To wrap up the story, I was thinking of writing an envoi - an addendum where the narrator turns out to be from the Assassins' Guild, and poisons the assassin for unlicensed killing: but although the idea's been there for a year or so, I still haven't got round to it...
Ethan Mawyer - April 22, 2004 - Report this comment
This made plenty of sense to me and i have no role playing background (but plenty of discworld background) Anyway, if this was in discworld wouldn't killing an assassin for not being registered conflict with the rule that assassins only kill for money?
Phil Alexander - April 23, 2004 - Report this comment
Have you read Pyramids, by any chance? There's a description of Pteppic piling on the weapons, then, very slowly, falling over - it was that sort of imagery I had in mind when I wrote the last couple of verses. Re your second comment, I'm pretty sure the Assassin's guild would find an answer to that one: possibly it's for the money that they *weren't* paid (IYSWIM)

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