On a hot summer evening in a car bound for In-laws
I rode there with my husband, I knew what was coming next
Oh, how he hated my father, and my grandma drives him crazy
Only when we go to Mother's, do I see him look this vexed

He said "Dear, you are my wife, and I love you like no other
But these visits are just torture, and we go there every week
And I can't stay sober, gotta keep up with your brother
They don't die or move away, my options sure look bleak"

So I gave my usual lecture, how blood is thicker than water
He grumbled for ten minutes and then gave up the fight
Then his mouth got strangely quiet as he sunk into depression
Said "If I'm gonna live through this, I gotta plan the night"

"You got to know when to drink 'em, how to out think 'em
Know when to just say yes and know when to zip
You never talk religion when they're yelling at the table
There's no way to win the war, so just pass the dip"

Now every grumbler knows that they never win the battle
If they don't want to pay lawyers, and lose both of the boys
So he will sit at dinner, and he'll be almost civil
For the family that's together is the family that enjoys

So when the meal's over, and all but him were smoking
Every time he whispered "let's go home!" I handed him a beer
I told him it was early, and that I thought he was joking
For my Dad was telling stories really loud so all could hear

"You got to know when to drink 'em, how to out think 'em
Know when to hit the head and then close the door
You never step on Grandpa when he slumps under the table
There's no way to win the war, so just drink some more"