-> "The Story of the Bear Who Lost His Testicles"
Original Song Title:
"The Story of the Hare Who Lost His Spectacles"
Parody Song Title:
"The Story of the Bear Who Lost His Testicles"
This is the story of the bear who lost his testicles.
Kaa loved to coil quietly whilst no one was watching.
Wrapped around a tree one day,
he was surprised when suddenly Mowgli ran close by.
Now this may not seem deranged,
but when Kaa overheard Mowgli mutter to himself
and to a deadly talking snake,
"The bear has lost his testicles,"
well, he began to wander.
Presently, the moon appeared
from behind the imposing office towers encroaching on the jungle
and there, doing what he does in the woods, was Bear.
In the stream that flowed by the marijuana -- an ape named "Ape."
And, sitting astride a fresh kill -- Bagheera.
Ostensibly emotionless, Bear was trembling with discomfort,
for without his testicles he was completely hopeless.
Where were his testicles?
Could someone have stolen them?
Had he mis-laid with them?
Who was he to screw?
Bagheera wanted to help, and after snickering for a few minutes, he offered, "You probably ate them, thinking they were walnuts."
"No!" hissed Kaa, who was a buttinski, "I have good hindsight, headlights, and chiggerbites. How could even the dumbest of jungle creatures make such a moronic error?"
But all this time, Kaa had been slithering around a tree branch wondering when he was going to have a chance to put the squeeze on Mowgli.
Mowgli was clodhopping mad at this sort of fantasy. He thought far superior in intelligence to the others, being a human being and all. He was their feeder. Their after-dinner snack. He had the answer.
"Bear, you must go in search of the Electrician, or someone like him.
But then he realized that the bear was completely gutless without his testicles.
And so, Mowgli loudly proclaimed, "I can't send this eunuch down to the deli to get me a bagel!"
"You can, Baloo, you can!" shouted Ape, "You can go with Kaa!"
But Kaa was now busy swallowing what was left of Bagheera's fresh kill. Ape knew more than the rest of these idiots, because he was just on his way to visit his pal, George of the Jungle, and had solved bigger problems than this.
"You can take him in your Volkswagen van!" said Ape.
But, alas, Bear was much too big and smelly for anyone to want to give him a ride.
All this time, it had been quite plain to Bear that no one gave a rat's ass about his testicles.
As for all their stupid ideas, well Bear didn't care. For after all, he remembered that Mrs. Bear had gotten them in the divorce settlement.
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