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Song Parodies -> "The Spork Is A Dread Board Apparel"

Original Song Title:

"The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald"

Original Performer:

Gordon Lightfoot

Parody Song Title:

"The Spork Is A Dread Board Apparel"

Parody Written by:

Merry & Pippin

The Lyrics

Before Tommy decided to do Part 2 of our TWOTEF to Hark the Heralds Angels Sing smoosh, we had thought to do our Part 2 using instead Sporks Be Perilous-y Things…

So here is our Part 2 ;)
The bludgeon shive’s on when at Chippendales we dined
Of the big spork they called Kitschy-Spooney
The spork it is said, is a kismet of dread
When it tries to dismember or hew me

If your mode of spearin’s poor, plenty pricks causin’ thumbs sore
More than bread stands imperilled: splayd-tempting
‘Cus one slip could sure cause a bone could be skewered
An assail of no member’s unsurely (1)

Adept with the tine may save a very-grim dine
When no lack of blood spillin’ ‘tis causin’
It’s a big plater’s woe: more than sticker of toast
Can accrue un-food stabbings well lesioned

Imbued with some firm and unsupple surreal spurs
With a haft fully loaded for cleave-land
A waiter unsprite with a slip - full prong
And you’ll be a mort skinned and be squealin’

Don’t wend if you’re riled or a triple-bottle bound:
Drunken weave; spork can be impaling
Can sever-y ran through, this contraption bids goo
With a glitch it do render skin peelin’

To prong’s its fate ‘cus it’s forkness don’t abate
If you flail it can render for slashin’
This bastard-spoon plain’s a deceiving bane
Be the choice: polyurethane questioned

A bellicose aim’s all it took to dissect
Raisin’ sorrows it sure nuff can bleed ya
A shiv is its kin, a maim brunchbane it’s been
The blood-jellos (or puddings) ‘ll show ya

It’s capping-spired in three or quarter they been
And a food slip cause wounding unsteriled
And late at dessert ‘cus this schwert is not inert
Came the shreddin’ of digits imperilled

Does anyone know who this supper-prod chose
With its crafty diminutive powers?
When silver’s away splayds they may blightish play
As if got knife-ti-er wiles assigned ‘er

Designed to spit clumps or designed to soup seize
Woe if spork leap and brook slaughter
‘Cus all that untames if complacent with its aims
For then knive-ish not spoon-ish it’s wroughter

Make war on rolls, sup-spearier things
When the foons have no slice-thwarter sanctions
Bold runcible reams; pricks a tongue; one screams
The guile-ing arrays awful mort lend

So mothers be so tablewar(e)y-o
Speak up that fork-queery can blunder
As the implements go stubby polymer’s no-no
Let utensils of woe-plunder be sundered

An untrusty old tool is a fork hy-brid
And its merry impaler’s wrath be droll
The lunch bell chime billeted unbenign tines
‘Clare a ban on this plastic blitz-terror!

Please pledge to laugh on what this cutlery did spawn
Now the Big Spork must bow its adieu-y
A parody it’s said is a gift to be read
May this tale of spork-wender allure thee!

(1) Don’t you love double-negatives?

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Voting Results

Pacing: 3.9
How Funny: 3.9
Overall Rating: 3.9

Total Votes: 11

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   0
 3   0
 4   0
 5   8

User Comments

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Dave W. - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Thouest sporketh some truths...cutlry of little faith
Michael Pacholek - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
The Spork of the Edmund Fitzgerald. Why didn't I think of that?
John Barry - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
AFW - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Mother sporkin' good
Timmy - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Stick a spork in me - I'm done for today. Well done.
Lifeliver - December 18, 2012 - Report this comment
Your sporktacular wordplay is well displade (groan). Quite a feat to sustain this over so many verses, the down side being that the lack of narrative thread renders the basic idea a little thin after a while. Fortunately, your fertile minds never seem to run out of ways of injuring people.

Lots of standouts. To name a few: kismet of dread, unfood-stabblings well-lesioned, haft well-loaded for cleaveland, and my fave, tableware-i-o. 5 rolls of bandages, 5 mls of antiseptic and maybe 5 prosthetic fingers any help?
Btw, I was interested to learn the single charted #40 in the UK back in the day, but it's a long time ago now. I think the electric guitar accompaniment carries the song. Does anyone know who played it?
Tommy Turtle - December 19, 2012 - Report this comment
  LOL by the time I got to "Kitschy-Spooney", esp. with Chippendale's serving sporks.

  Far TMGLTM, but as both a general compliment and a reply to LL's downside: TOS is a ballad; Spork is a generalized complaint that doesn't really lend itself to narrative; but overall, this is a masterpiece of syllable-matching on a very difficult song, and that syl-matching to TOS had a (substituted or transitive) narrative quality for this reader. 555+++

  Occasional foreign-language refs are fun, esp. it it's a tongue with which I have some familiarity. Hence "Schwert", uh, "shined". ;)

  Proving yet again that Great Minds Think Alike, AFW and TT also used "Cleave-land", but they were referring to a lady's bosom. ;) (AFW long ago; TT very recently, but not having seen AFW's.)
  And surely, given the frailty of aging Boomer memory ;), you found the "polyurethane" sub for "of a hurricane" without either of you remembering having v/c'd TT's use of it 2 1/2 months ago:

  The inevitable ruler-on-the-knuckles to Peregrin (no doubt ;) for correct use of apostrophe once, then blown three words later: (Pet Peeve Alert! Pet Peeve Alert!)
    To prong’s its fate ‘cus it’s forkness don’t abate
  Arrrgh! Both "its" are possessive, so neither should have the apostrophe. :P ... Well, nit-picks aside, continues to prove that it is, in fact, possible to smoosh short songs to long ones. Or to other short ones. And in both directions. And maybe not so much more to poor Ed Fitz, who mayhaps should be allowed to rest in peace on the seabed? xD

[1] No, when used from ignorance. Yes, when used cleverly for artistic purposes. :)

Rare violation of TT's own dislike of "security code" coincidences (on the grounds of their inevitability, given the limited number of combos): Code MAP? OMG!
Peregrin - December 19, 2012 - Report this comment
LL: I understand the fellow's name was Terry Clements, who died in 2011.

I kid you not, the security code for this post is 'SAD'. Lest anyone thinks I be making that up, check this out:
Wendy Christopher - December 19, 2012 - Report this comment
Another brilliant parody, skewering one of modern living's most useless inventions. (They had sporks in Spud-U-Like for a while too. Spud!U!Like! Who in the WORLD did they imagine could eat a BAKED POTATO with ONE SPORK??! Okay, rant over...) Lots of clever wordplay in this one, and made me laugh - 555!
Lifeliver - December 19, 2012 - Report this comment
Thanks for the link, Pippin. I never would have located that on my own. Interesting. I enjoy reading about the lives of ordinary, journeyman musicians. I can relate to being unfamous, lol. RIP Mr Clements.

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